Life Update

The MBTI stories are hard. I think I forgot that fiction writing isn’t easy. And revealing a character as an INFJ (which is what I am), even, is going to take a lot of time. So I finally have the first installment for you (next week), but know that the whole process will require your patience. (And thank you for that!)

In the mean time, let’s talk about what’s going on in my life.

Therapy

I realized I never told you all that I found a therapist. Well I did, and she’s pretty cool. Honestly, I miss Bristle, but Barley has her own set of strengths. We’re only like 4 sessions in, but I still don’t feel 100% comfortable with her. I think it might be because she’s a lot older than me/in a completely different stage of life. I mean, that obviously has its benefits, but I kind of liked how Bristle was clearly only a few years older than me.

Anyway, my appointments are bi-weekly. I’ve cried once, but mostly my sessions consist of ranting/complaining about all the tings I feel. Guilty, for not spending enough time with my mom, family, and friends. Overwhelmed by the fact that money will be tight once my student loan payments start. And that means it’ll take even longer to move out. And I love my mom, but I need to move out. Barley gives me advice on how to handle these things.

Relationships

It’s hard to stop myself from falling into the old habit of Mommy-pleasing. Barley tells me that now is the time in my life when I should be spreading my wings. Wanting to go home to keep my mom happy (because she feels like she never sees me) isn’t bad, but I need to maintain a balance. I’m also trying to be more open with my mom. Expressing my feelings, rather than burying them so I don’t rock the boat is no longer an option. Sometimes she’ll get upset, I might even unintentionally make her feel guilty about things, but living there won’t be any easier for me if I don’t do this. And hopefully by role modeling this, she will start to follow my lead, and our relationship will improve.

Things with Beau are absolutely wonderful. Our relationship is unlike any other I’ve ever had–romantic or otherwise. Beau is the only person I feel 100% comfortable expressing all of my true feelings to. Sometimes I still get a little anxious when I feel like we have something more serious to talk about, but I’m never afraid to talk to him about anything. I don’t think, “What if this makes him want to leave me?” “Am I just being crazy?” “I’m overthinking! I should just leave him alone!”

With Beau, I have a thought, then I say it. We talk about it, or he says, “No, I wasn’t thinking that at all, babe, don’t worry!” and we move on.

love amor peanuts hearts in love

The other amazing thing about us? We are constantly pushing each other to grow and be better. We talk about our goals, we come up with plans to reach them, we hold each other accountable, we listen, we give advice, we adjust as needed. He wants to see me succeed no matter what that means for me, and I want the same for him. We are working hard to become the most badass, happy versions of ourselves. And not only are we doing it because we think it’s what we deserve in our lives, but we want to be our best selves for each other, too.

Okay, I’ll stop gushing now.

Adulting

Part of me wants to stop using that word, because it’s sort of a symbol for the dumb millennial who doesn’t know how to do anything. But it’s a buzzword, and it has it’s benefits/good aspects, so it stays.

Anyway yeah, so far adulthood hasn’t been half bad. I pay my bills on time (thank God for autopay), and I go to work everyday…

Wow, I don’t really have that many responsibilities. Am I doing this right?

My biggest concern is saving money. If I’m ever going to get my own place–if I’m ever going to own my own place, I need to save money NOW. Plus, not having to live off social security checks when I’m old will be nice, too.

Alright, folks, that’s all I’ve got for you today, I would apologize for being so absent, but I’m out living my life, so I’m not sorry.

Toodles!

tipton analeigh

October Goals

Create concrete study schedule and stick to it.

I’ve decided to postpone actually taking my exams until 2017. I think I would do best to spend the next couple months really learning all of the material. Then I can focus on specific test content and review before each test. I plan to start testing in late January.

Keep to a specific schedule/routine for dividing my time.

Barley (my new therapist) told me she wants me to have more me-time. I’m always trying to navigate between Severn-Mommy time and Severn-Beau time. Rarely does she ever hear about Severn alone time. She’s right, I don’t do it enough.

So I talked to my mom about picking a few days a week to designate “us-time.” I already have days with Beau. I think I’ll make the remaining days and nights flex days, where I can decide if I want me-time, or if I want to do stuff with other people. As long as I have one solid defined day to myself, I think this will be a good balance for me.

Bring lunch to work everyday, and only eat out for dinner once a week (where I pay).

This goal has multiple purposes. First, I need to save, save, save! If I succeed in bringing lunch to work everyday, I’ll save at least an extra $200 a month. I spend so much money on food, it’s terrible. Second, homemade lunches tend to be healthier! (Provided I don’t bring frozen pizza all the time.)

YAY

Those are my main three goals for October. Anything else I do is just extra, and that’s okay with me. I’m excited!

What are your October goals?

Update (A List!)

  • I still have not found a therapist, but I have also stopped looking. It didn’t feel as urgent as it used to, but the urgency has slowly been creeping upward again.
  • I’m still learning some things at work, but for the most part it is BOR.ING.
  • I got a haircut, and I’m in love with it, even though it’s way shorter than I normally go.
  • My room is a mess, my socks don’t match, and I feel like I’m neglecting my mother (even though she says I’m not) because…
  • BEAU AND I ARE DATING. I know I said I didn’t feel those relationship vibes with him, but turns out all we had to do was “turn it on” (his words not mine) and here we are! It’s only been a couple weeks, but it feels like we’ve been a couple forever because we were friends for so long before. Being with him is the most natural feeling in the world, and I’m happier than I have been in a VERY long time.
  • I’m still trying to get the hang of the whole adulthood thing (does anyone ever really get it though?). I totally forgot about my first car payment, but luckily I remembered before I got charged a late fee.
  • Salsa classes are great, and it helps that Beau and I are the best ones there.
  • Bullet journaling is great! I’ll eventually share some of the spreads I’ve done and stuff on here, too.
  • Pursuing my architecture license has fallen from the top of my priority list, but I’m working on getting it back up there.
  • I’ve resolved to stop making promises about posting on here more because life keeps taking me by surprise, and I don’t like to break promises. It makes me anxious.

Eventually you will hear more about:

  • My relationship with Beau (and what happened to Dapper)
  • My bible study (It’s amazing)
  • Adulthood
  • My bullet journal
  • My plans for the next year or so

Until next time, my lovelies!

❤ Severn

Adulting || Work-Life Balance

What my life has consisted of:

  • Work
  • Going out with my friends
  • Talking to my mom
  • Netflix
  • Journaling
  • Trying to find a therapist
  • Bullet Journaling

What my life will slowly start to consistently consist of:

  • Work
  • The gym
  • Bible Study
  • Church
  • Salsa classes with my friend Beau
  • Netflix
  • Bullet Journaling
  • Journaling

At what point does the “adjustment period” end? Does it ever end? It still feels like I’m floating aimlessly between where I was and where I’m supposed to be. To be fair, I’m doing more of what I want to be doing, but there are some feelings I just can’t shake.

My relationship with an important person in my life is not where I would like it to be. My search for a therapist was promising, but my insurance isn’t accepted by the office I found, so I’m not really any closer to starting my sessions again.

I’m trying to keep it together, though. The more structure I have in my life, the easier it will be to distract myself from my feelings until I can get the help I need.

Blogging consistently again will be a part of that, I’m thinking of showing you all my (first) new bullet journal. It’s actually a lot of fun! Plus, there will be a post on my possibly existent love life yay (like next, probs).

Okie, toodles.

❤ Severn

I’m Important

I normally try to keep the specifics of my problems with people in my life vague when I write them on here. That’s pretty much impossible in this case. Well, maybe it’s not. Let me try harder.

An important person in my life is basically purposefully neglecting me on a day we should be spending together. To be fair, he said we would spend some time together soon after this day, but still.

Sidenote: I can think of two situations this scenario can apply to. Vague enough for me.

How his decision makes me feel:

  • unimportant
  • like an afterthought
  • second-rate
  • neglected
  • like I’m not “worthy” of his time or love

I was very close to crying when he told me.

I told my mom about it–showed her the message, and of course she got upset. As soon as that happened, I was able to calm down. My mother’s anger doesn’t make me happy, but it’s so much easier to be strong for someone else than it is to be strong for myself.

That’s not ideal, but it’s where I am. I calmed her down by listing all the reasons this is actually a good thing. They felt like cheap attempts at neutrality, but they managed to convince her that I wasn’t as hurt as I was. And that made me feel better. Or more in control, at least.

I still haven’t done my therapist research yet, but once I find her I’m going to have a lot to tell her. (My friend Janie is going to refer me to her old therapist who will then refer me to people she thinks will help me!) Hopefully she can help me work through it all. In the meantime, I’m going to try and not let his decision dictate my feelings about myself. There’s also a few things my last therapist, Bristle, taught/told me that I think I would do well to remember:

  • My expectations of him others should be realistic so I don’t get too hurt or surprised (when things like this happen). People are only capable of what they are capable of.
  • My feelings are important. I shouldn’t feel guilty about any of the behavior I’ve exhibited that may have lead to his decision. I was doing what’s best for me, as he is probably also trying to do.
  • It’s okay to feel. Don’t run away from my feelings.

Also, I think if I were to tell her about this occurrence, she would ask me why I didn’t tell him how I felt. I know that I probably should have, but that seems so much more complicated. (This is why I need a therapist.)

Anywho. *Deep Breath*

Wish me luck with quest for a therapist!

-Severn

Almost Falling

Today after work my mom took me for burgers at this great place near our house. Aside from the delicious food, we had a great conversation.

It started with me stumbling over almost every sentence out of my mouth. (“I can’t speak words!”) When she asked why not, I said it was because I spend the majority of my day not talking. That got us on the topic of the culture at my job, what I like and don’t like about work, the communication styles of the people in my office, etc. I didn’t want to admit it, but I’m not a fan.

It feels like I’m not allowed to not like my job. And I mean, I’m sure there are various reasons I feel like this: I’ve only been there two weeks, so I don’t have a true idea of what it’s like; my desk isn’t ready yet, so (as my mom pointed out) not having my own space is taking its toll; I’m lucky/blessed to even have a job.

It’s not just my job, though. I just don’t feel… happy, I guess. My mom pointed out that there are so many new things going on my life–no more school, I got a car that I drive to and from work everyday, I have a permanent job (even if I don’t have my permanent desk, yet)–and it’s normal for me to feel a bit lost. She wants me to take charge of my life because “You shouldn’t be old and bitter at such a young age!”

I know that she’s right.

But.

I feel myself almost falling.

Today my eyes flicked to the time on my computer screen every five minutes until it was time to go.

I didn’t even attempt to pack my gym bag in case I had time to go after work.

I was going to cook dinner today, but the thought of it exhausted me.

I find myself wanting to keep my feelings inside because it’s just easier that way.

But easier for who? I obviously don’t want to worry my mom. She’s already sort of there, but no need to make it worse, right? What I really need is another therapist. I didn’t realize how much I was missing Bristle (and therapy in general) until this conversation today. After a rant, I said, “I feel like I’m talking a lot, sorry.” And my mother replied, “That’s okay, I think you need to talk!”

She’s right.

I think I might need a little more than just talking, like a routine, and general purpose/things that make me happy in my life, but talking is a start. My insurance doesn’t kick in for another 2.5 months, but I think I might look for a new therapist anyway. I can pay out of pocket for the first few sessions until I’m covered.

When I started writing this post, I planned to make it positive, with a lesson about growing into your adulthood, but really I just convinced myself that I’m not actually okay.

Hopefully I will be soon.

Reasons I’m Freaking Out

  • The ten page paper I have due today is nowhere near done
  • I drunk texted Dapper Saturday, made a fool of myself, told him the next day that he never has to talk to me again if he doesn’t want to, and haven’t heard from him since
  • I still have to grade the graduate student projects
  • I have to submit studio documentation
  • I have to clean out my studio desk
  • My graduation dress needs to be taken to the tailor
  • I’m extra broke
  • Coffee

I’ll be back later if therapy is helpful today. It’s my last session for at least three months! This saddens me.

Therapy 4/25/16

“Just so ya know, I don’t really want to cry today because I’m wearing eyeliner and concealer, and I didn’t bring any of it with me for touch ups.”

This was how I started my session yesterday, so it’s safe to say I threw Bristle a little off her game from the start. I gave her a rundown of my week, which was quite eventful. I spilled my feelings to an important person in my life and was accepted despite them. I drunkenly hooked up with a friend (which was actually fun, though it will never happen again). And the cherry on top: the  magnification of my super duper lonely feelings since Corey and Haley are locked in his room 80% of the time.

giphy (4)

My story then fishtailed all over the place, slapping against Tiger telling me he broke up with his girlfriend, how and why I do potentially harmful things in an attempt to connect with people (like get drunk, hookup, etc.), and my aversion to messing up my makeup as a facade for pulling away from my feelings.

giphy (5)

Internally me

Let’s put this into bite sized pieces, shall we?

“I don’t want to cry” I’ve been feeling my feelings way too intensely lately, and I think having to sit in a room with a person dedicated to listening to those feelings made me subconsciously nervous and overwhelmed. Sorry, Bristle 😦

I spilled my feelings and was accepted I already told y’all about this here.

I drunkenly hooked up with a friend. The reality is that it could have been literally anyone in my house that night, and the outcome probably would have been the same. Okay, maybe not Corey, but still. I was craving intimacy, but the way I “got” it (and I add quotations marks because it was not real, loving, intimacy) had the potential to become a very uncomfortable situation. We could have seriously messed with our friendship, but thankfully, we were both very much on the same page, and not trying to make it into anything more than it was.

I’m super duper lonely. I’ve written about loneliness on this blog more than any other emotion (probably). Loneliness is why I hooked up with that friend last week. Loneliness
is why I got so drunk at the party on Saturday. Loneliness is something I do not know how to cope with well. I try to trick myself into thinking I’m in control by making decisions, but most of the time these decisions are not in my best interest. Bristle suggested that I try to look for companionship and connections in my friendships. Obviously, it’s not exactly what I’m looking for, but it could really help combat some of the worst bouts of lonely. I have sort of been getting that from my dance crews, but those reliefs only last for a couple hours. I’m still trying, though. Plus, I’ll be back home soon, and Chicago never leaves me feeling lonely.

Tiger is single. Okay, so you guys don’t know who Tiger is (unless you somehow followed me from my last blog and realized who I am), but the super short story is that he is a guy from back home that I almost dated my first year of college. I was in love with him, and he was confused, and it’s been complicated ever since. One of our problems is that the timing is never right. I guess all I really want to say about this is that as I was telling Bristle about why I shouldn’t be at all happy or excited that Tiger is single, as I was listing the reasons it would never work in the future, as I was reliving all the ways we messed up in the past, I was smiling. This is already a little strange, because the stories I told were not particularly happy, but it was made stranger by the fact that I was completely unaware that I was smiling. Is that not weird? My subconscious totally took over my face, and apparently still has some pleasant feelings about Tiger. Aside from my unruly lips, I’m worried that I will easily fall back into depending on him for my happiness, and going to him to get rid of my loneliness. It’s probably a good sign that I’m aware of all this before it happens, but the worry is still there.

That was pretty much everything, I think. I addressed some of the other things I mentioned less explicitly within these bite-sized morsels of my issues. Hopefully this next week will be a little less emotionally intense. I believe it’s good to just coast, sometimes.

Until next time,

Severn

 

My Life 4/14-4/18 (Some Lists!)

Things I didn’t do:

  • Post Thursday
  • Post Friday
  • Write in my journal
  • Homework

Things I did do:

  • Hung out with friends
  • Got a pleasant amount of drunk (2 of the last 4 days)
  • Watched my team win third place in the races
  • Partied
  • Slept
  • Therapy

Things that went wrong or are now wrong:

  • I was ready to fight this girl who hates me because she came into my house like she was welcome there (even though fighting is NOT me at all… like I can get really angry, but fighting is so immature)
  • I made a dumb drunk decision that I wish I could take back, but can’t, so instead am trying not to dwell on it or hate myself
  • My phone won’t turn on, and I think it might have something to do with the fact that the battery can’t hold a decent charge

Things I did not expect to happen, but did:

  • I talked to Shoelaces for a sustained period of time (while drunk, which he hates) and didn’t spontaneously combust or feel weird about it
  • That drunken decision I made that I’m trying not to think about
  • I went to a very college-y party in a park where there was a giant homemade slip-n-slide, half-naked drunk people everywhere, club music, and that oh so disgusting Natty Light *vomits* (we didn’t drink that crap, we brought our own stuffs)
  • I made a new friend
  • I wore a crop top almost everyday

Things I now have to do to get my life together:

  • My psych project poster, presentation, and paper
  • My history presentation and paper
  • My studio project drawings and such
  • Grade assignments for the class I TA
  • Laundry
  • Groceries
  • Buy a new battery for my phone and/or go to my service provider
  • Have a serious talk with someone important in my life because I feel like our relationship is basically bullshit.
  • Cry a little bit because even though I have a plan for after graduation, and my bank account has more than the $5 dollars it had 5 days ago, I still feel like a total failure and like I have no idea what to do with my life let alone my daily tasks

Maybe I’ll start the crying a little early today.

Therapy 4/11/16

There were so many tears. I’ve been struggling with making a decision that could put a lot of strain on a relationship I’m trying to repair. I feel torn. It seems that no matter what I decide to do, someone ends up getting hurt, and I don’t want to be the cause of that.

This specific bout of indecisiveness is the result of various factors. When I was younger, I often acted as the mediator between adults who should have had my best interests at heart, but didn’t really understand how I was being effected. Now, as an adult, I still can’t function as more than a mediator. Once again, my own feelings and my own needs are taking a back seat as I try to make sure everyone else is pleased.

Bristle told me that she wants me to try and find a solution that doesn’t force me to sacrifice anything. Honestly, making any decision makes me anxious. It feels permanent, and like whatever consequences follow will be permanent, too.

I’m trying, though. I’m trying to really listen to my heart and figure out what it is that I want, what would make me most comfortable, and what I can emotionally handle. Hopefully, I can figure it out soon. And once that decision is made, I hope I have to courage to explain it to the people it directly relates to.

Wish me luck.

Severn