I’m Back

I’ve been gone for forever, but I’m trying to get back in the game. I don’t have WiFi at home (yet), but no excuses. I’ve been attempting to get my life together before I start work next week, and honestly it’s been tiring, but great.

Graduation was two weeks ago. Yay me!

giphy (3)

It was surreal, it was wonderful, it was annoying that I didn’t have my normal phone to take the million pictures the occasion warranted. There is evidence, though, it definitely happened. Also my degree is huge (I’d post a picture, but that would mess with my anonymity).

I have spent the past two weeks completely redoing my room. Since I’ll be living with my mom for the next year, or so, I thought I would update my bedroom, liven it up a bit. It’s been pretty bare the last five years, bare and simultaneously messy, but now it is exactly the haven it’s supposed to be.

giphy (4).gif

Aside from my room renovations, a lot of time was put into the graduation party my mom threw me. Such a lovely party! My mom and I hand made the party favors: individual cotton candy bags, and bags of Swedish Fish (because we always say “I love you more than a million Swedish Fish”). Not only did I get lots of money, but I felt so… loved. Everyone there was genuinely proud of me, interested in the next steps of my life, and happy that I am happy.

giphy (5).gif

No, really, I’m super happy! That’s just my face. 

And finally, my general adult life. Like I said, I start work next week, and I’m so excited! And extremely nervous. “But Severn, you just graduated from one of the best universities in the nation, you’ll be fine!”

giphy (6)

Yeah, I don’t care. I know architecture school is great and all, but I don’t believe it does a very good job at preparing us for the real world. So I’m nervous, and it’s probably really normal, but it doesn’t make me feel good. I’m honestly just hoping I don’t screw up. I’m sure I won’t screw up… I just have to be confident.

Okay, I’m gonna go now, but I hope to be back soon! Wish me luck my first day?

❤ Severn

Advertisements

Reasons I’m Freaking Out

  • The ten page paper I have due today is nowhere near done
  • I drunk texted Dapper Saturday, made a fool of myself, told him the next day that he never has to talk to me again if he doesn’t want to, and haven’t heard from him since
  • I still have to grade the graduate student projects
  • I have to submit studio documentation
  • I have to clean out my studio desk
  • My graduation dress needs to be taken to the tailor
  • I’m extra broke
  • Coffee

I’ll be back later if therapy is helpful today. It’s my last session for at least three months! This saddens me.

Just Because

I am in a good mood! I spent all day doing absolutely nothing but binge-watching Saved By the Bell, and binge-eating sour cream and onion chips from Aldi. I’m sure my body hates me, but I’ve been working hard, and I deserved a bum day!

giphy

My plan for today

It’s half past ten, now, and I finally feel like being productive again, so I’m doing laundry and cleaning my room. I have a ten-page paper due Monday, and I would really like to get it done tomorrow so I can enjoy my weekend. If I get all of this stuff done now, I’ll be able to focus better tomorrow! *says the productive procrastinator*

giphy (1)

Anywho, I just wanted to say hey. I feel like I’m letting y’all down, though, so I’ll try to make the next post a bit more interesting! Any suggestions? Comment below!

Toodles,

Severn

Reasons I Haven’t Blogged (A List!)

  • I was working on a presentation for history of sustainable architecture that was due last week Thursday, and which involved a lot more than I was ready for.
  • Dancer’s Symposium was this past weekend, so I had tech and dress rehearsals, as well as the actual show on Friday and Saturday.
  • My studio final review was today, so when I wasn’t dancing or completing a late assignment, I was finishing drawings of the park and housing complex my partner and I developed (or stressing about it, at least).
  • I got a little really drunk Friday after the show and slept over at Dapper’s.
  • I kept falling asleep whenever I had any bit of free time.
  • I scheduled those Haikus for Tiger, so I thought I could get away with the no blogging thing.
  • Therapy didn’t feel very super insightful for me the other day.
  • I’m a bum.

 

P.S. Fun fact: If you google “busy woman” a majority of the images involve cooking/childcare, but if you google “busy man” it’s almost all work and money.

Saved by the Future

My current mood is a (healthy?) mix of relaxed, determined, and… giddy? with an underlying level of stress. Is that possible?

I’ve been binge watching Saved By the Bell while I do my studio work, and let me tell you: I forgot how good this show was!

It’s funny, a lot of episodes have actual lessons, and damn Zack Morris was gorgeous! I’m totally living vicariously through this show right now. So many couples, so much friendship, and did I mention Zack Morris was hot?

giphy (7)

Yes, I’m one of those millennials slightly obsessed with the 90’s, but what can I say? It was a solid decade in my personal opinion. Despite being the starting point of many of my issues, my childhood was overall pretty great! My parents loved me, I had the best cartoons, cool clothes, a Skip It, and I didn’t grow up with a cell phone glued to my hand.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the past–not just like “yo the 90’s were poppin’!” but also reliving various moments of my life. My first crush, fights my parents used to have, watching Saturday morning cartoons while my grandma made me pancakes. Then when I was a bit older: applying to high school; having a crush on one of the cute, popular, rich kids in my class and not only being rejected, but made fun of; the entirety of the Tiger Saga; applying to college; Shoelaces (my last boyfriend). It’s not always pleasant to think about the past, especially when Depression Brain wants to highlight nothing but the bad.

giphy (8)

When I can’t stop reliving the past.

How do I combat this? Well, I’m glad you asked! A lot of advice tells you to focus on the present. Practice mindfulness, and let it ground you in the here and now. That’s not always helpful for me, though; my brain is a little too unruly to successfully accomplish such a task. And to be honest, most of the time I’m unhappy with my present situation, and no amount of concentrating on my fingers as they type is going to change that.

giphy (9).gif

Instead, I plan for my future! I know the future is a huge cause of anxiety for many people, but it mostly just excites me. I can’t wait to have my own apartment to decorate, a dog to take care of, 128 hours a week to spend doing absolutely whatever I want. I have plans to get heavy into fitness, learn calligraphy so one day I can make my own wedding invitations, continue dancing at the Millennium in Chicago. I want to finally tackle the Rory Gilmore Reading List (of which I have ready 40 books so far), and finally become fluent in Spanish. School is important, and I obviously needed it to learn how to be an architect, but it is all consuming, and I can’t wait to be done with it.

Adults love to say, “College is great! Stay as long as you can!” but why? I have a crap ton of debt from student loans, I have pulled so many all nighters that I’m pretty sure my brain/short term memory has been permanently affected, and there is little to no recognition from any of my professors of my good work. No, I want the real world. A world where my boss will praise me for doing well, and tell me if I’m not. A world where questions get answered, and sleep is not a bonus, but a given. A world where I can actually date someone, not just hook up with them periodically and convince myself that it’s a socially/emotionally/physically satisfying experience. (Confession: it rarely is.)

No, I’m ready for the next chapter of my life. The 90’s were great, the 00’s were a little strange, and the teens have been… well full of college, which has its ups and downs. But the rest of the teens–the rest of my life. That’s what I’m ready for.

I may be living vicariously through a show that went off-air the year I was born, but in 17 days, my real life begins. And I couldn’t be more ready.

tumblr_inline_njn6rhpEzh1sa1dtv

My Life 4/14-4/18 (Some Lists!)

Things I didn’t do:

  • Post Thursday
  • Post Friday
  • Write in my journal
  • Homework

Things I did do:

  • Hung out with friends
  • Got a pleasant amount of drunk (2 of the last 4 days)
  • Watched my team win third place in the races
  • Partied
  • Slept
  • Therapy

Things that went wrong or are now wrong:

  • I was ready to fight this girl who hates me because she came into my house like she was welcome there (even though fighting is NOT me at all… like I can get really angry, but fighting is so immature)
  • I made a dumb drunk decision that I wish I could take back, but can’t, so instead am trying not to dwell on it or hate myself
  • My phone won’t turn on, and I think it might have something to do with the fact that the battery can’t hold a decent charge

Things I did not expect to happen, but did:

  • I talked to Shoelaces for a sustained period of time (while drunk, which he hates) and didn’t spontaneously combust or feel weird about it
  • That drunken decision I made that I’m trying not to think about
  • I went to a very college-y party in a park where there was a giant homemade slip-n-slide, half-naked drunk people everywhere, club music, and that oh so disgusting Natty Light *vomits* (we didn’t drink that crap, we brought our own stuffs)
  • I made a new friend
  • I wore a crop top almost everyday

Things I now have to do to get my life together:

  • My psych project poster, presentation, and paper
  • My history presentation and paper
  • My studio project drawings and such
  • Grade assignments for the class I TA
  • Laundry
  • Groceries
  • Buy a new battery for my phone and/or go to my service provider
  • Have a serious talk with someone important in my life because I feel like our relationship is basically bullshit.
  • Cry a little bit because even though I have a plan for after graduation, and my bank account has more than the $5 dollars it had 5 days ago, I still feel like a total failure and like I have no idea what to do with my life let alone my daily tasks

Maybe I’ll start the crying a little early today.

Excitement

I didn’t post yesterday because I had a studio review to prepare for. It was my first studio-related late night in a while.

giphy

This was me.

Getting work done was a bit tough because my focus was basically non-existent. This week is my school’s Spring Carnival. Carnival is a 4-day period where students don’t have class (teehee double meaning) and the school hosts various fun events.

Like this.

And this.

And this.

Normally, I’m preparing for buggy, or building a booth, but this year I have NO responsibilities! And to celebrate this, I plan to have as much fun as possible by:

  • party hopping
  • bar hopping
  • hip-hopping riding the carnival rides
  • hanging out with friends
  • cheering on my team

I’m actually really excited! And my favorite thing about excitement is that it makes depression seem so very far away. Even if I feel drained by the emotion (which happens 90% of the time), I’m still happy to experience it. And with that, I bid you adieu until tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe I’ll have an adventurous carnival story to tell you.

❤ Severn

Ups and (Mostly) Downs

I can’t explain why my emotions are all over the place today, but they are, and it’s exhausting. The worst part is that my day is nowhere near over. I’m running my psych study until 8:30pm, and I have rehearsal from 11pm-12:30am.

giphy (4)

Me, by the end of today.

All I really want to do is go home and go to sleep, but unfortunately, my schedule will not allow it. *cough cough count your blessings, Severn cough*

I have 37 days until graduation. Sounds exciting, right? But I think the low number is actually doing more bad for me than good. Instead of wanting to work hard and push through, I just want it to be done! And the senioritis is bad.

giphy (6)

Literally what I do all day instead of work.

So.

A typical day’s range of emotions are: bleh, happy, guilty, sad, happy, lonely, confused, bleh, does hunger count as an emotion?, happyish.

Today’s range of emotions (so far): bleh, exhaustion, happyish, bleh, anger, rage, bleh, lonely, anger, hunger is counting as an emotion, neutral, guilty, confused, unsure, bleh.

What I’m going to do to make the rest of the day less excruciating:

  • Drink more water (especially when I feel myself becoming less calm)
  • Take deep breaths
  • Think about all the things I’ve done well this week so far
  • Plan for the wonderful life I will lead in the real world post-graduation

Alrighty, I’m gonna go hydrate and deep breathe now.

Peace.

God

I was sitting at a table in my school’s university center when a guy and a girl approached me. “Hi, we’re part of a Christian group called [it has a name, I promise] at Pitt, and we were wondering if we could talk to you about religion today. Do you have a few minutes?”

“Sure!” I chirped. They seemed surprised and asked if they could sit down. “Of course!” I chirped again.

They asked me a few different questions: what do I think religion is, what about spirituality? Is it different? Have I had any really positive or negative experiences with religion? Is there a religious community on campus? What does religion mean to me personally?

We only spoke for ten minutes or so, but it was a great conversation. And that was the first time I bonded with someone–complete strangers–over something so (not superficially) personal.

Things I learned about myself during this conversation:

  • I want a personal relationship with God, not just a relationship with a priest who sends my messages to God
  • Because of that, I’m not 100% sure about Catholicism (I haven’t been confirmed yet)
  • I think spirituality and religion are different – spirituality is less structured, and I think it appeals to a greater number of people

At the end of it all, we prayed. Well, they prayed for me. For my future and my growing relationship with God. It was so nice.

I went to church on Easter Sunday and was so overcome with this sense of community during the priest’s homily that I started crying. I don’t even remember what he was saying, but in that moment I felt so… full. The church was filled with families, and while it made me really miss mine, I also felt safe, like these people would be my family if I needed them to. It was a strange feeling–one I’ve never had before, and I didn’t really know how to feel about it. I got it again when the two students from Pitt were praying for me.

When I get back home after graduation, I really want to strengthen my faith. I want to go to church every week, and actually read the bible to learn (not because my teachers are making me, like in elementary school). I’m excited for it. Maybe it will one day be strong enough to help me figure out just who I am, what I need, and where I should be in my life. I think that will be good for me.

The Small Things

This morning, I woke up and went for a run. When I got back home, I made myself some quinoa and scrambled eggs, and worked abs while they cooked. After breakfast and doing the dishes, I went to my room, turned on some music, and just danced.

giphy

I can’t remember the last time I happily danced around my room. It’s such a small thing, but when I think about it, it’s something I stopped doing a few years ago.

Non-clinical depression is very different from clinical depression. I’m definitely no expert, but I have a basic understanding that NC depression is a result of painful life circumstances and some health issues, and clinical depression has to do with chemical imbalances in a person’s brain. I read that if the stressors causing NC depression go unaddressed for too long, imbalances can develop.

I started going to therapy last September, and it’s pretty much the best mental health decision I’ve ever made. I’ve learned so much about myself and my relationships with–well my relationships with most things in my life! Last week I was able to finally address (outside of therapy) the biggest thing that was contributing to my depression. That thing is by no means fixed, but I’m working on it! That fact alone makes me less susceptible to the thoughts that plagued me before.

Most days I would walk around either angry, sad, or numb. Feelings of inadequacy, isolation, and self-doubt swirled around in my head no matter what I was doing.

giphy (1)

What’s worse is I had zero energy to fight those feelings. There were days I just laid in bed for hours, not even interacting with my roommate. It was really hard to focus on my schoolwork, and neither dancing, nor reading (activities I have thoroughly enjoyed my entire life) could make me feel better.

Now, after finally confronting the strife in my life (teehee that rhymed), I can find joy in the small things again. I still get angry and sad, but not obsessively so. I’m still able to go about my day and get things done. When I do procrastinate, it is no longer the result of an inability to do, but just regular senioritis kicking in.

I’m glad. I finally feel like I’m sustainably getting better. No, everything in my life is not perfect, but it’s a combination of the small things that make each day worth it. So now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get back to dancing around my room while I clean it.

giphy (2).gif

 

❤ Severn