Nighttime Haiku

The memories are

strong, and my heart is so weak.

Say you love me, please?

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Liquid

I make a terrific sidechick. I’m good at keeping secrets, I can be hella fake when I want to be. I’m good in bed, and the perfect bad, yet sweet girl alternative to your girlfriend, who you will probably end up marrying.

I also make a fantastic girlfriend. I’m loyal, loving, supportive. I will grow with you, or I will let you grow on your own while I do the same right next to you. I’m good with parents, and siblings, and friends. I can cook, and I don’t mind being the big spoon sometimes, even though I’m only 5’2″.

I guess I’m whatever you need me to be.

Like a liquid, I fill the space available.

Prayer

I didn’t go to church yesterday. Bible study is off for the month of July. I have been neglecting to read my bible everyday. Basically, I’m slacking on my Christian duties, and it’s because I haven’t felt very godly recently.

My decisions for the past month were not of Him, and while I know I have grace, I still didn’t feel worthy to come before the Lord. Despite my lapse in Christian behavior, a small, desperate part of me continued to pray.

I called out to the Lord multiple times over the last four weeks, “Lord, please close the doors you do not wish me to walk through, and may the ones you do swing wide open.” Now, I said these words, but the larger, selfish part of me hoped He wouldn’t listen. I wanted to do what I wanted!

Thankfully, my prayer was answered anyway this past weekend. Sure, it took one last bad decision to convince me the Lord has more in store for me. Plus a conversation with my best friend to realize I was selling myself short. But, I am capable of so much more than I have been doing, so why was I defying both my logic and values to do what feels good in the moment?

The honest answer is that I’m human. I’m weak, selfish, and confused. However, if I take the time to empty myself of toxic thoughts and worldly desires, I can be filled with the light of the Lord.

He loves me.

I break His heart a million times over, but he still loves me. Except for my mom, I know I will never find another love like His. And all I can do to repay Him is try to honor Him in all that I do, and love others as He loves me.

God closed a door this weekend–two, as a matter of fact. And while I’m not quite sure where the next open one is, I know it exists, and I’m excited to go through it. Prayer works, y’all. You just have to keep your eyes and heart open to receive the message the Lord is sending you.

Until next time,

❤ Severn

Grasping

Words have been pushing

against the inside of my lips,

dying to dive from the depths

of my soul.

I can’t say them out loud,

so instead I let them flow

from my fingertips.

 

Loving God

Back in June of 2016 I was saved. My older cousin texted me out of the blue and told me about a small group he and his wife ran for adult-ish people. He invited me, but I told him I had plans. I wasn’t doing too well around this time, and the idea of going to a bible study seemed lame and foreign to me. I know I’d said that when I came back home I would try to strengthen my faith, but I wasn’t ready yet.

The next morning when I woke up, though, the first thought to pop in my head was, “I need Jesus.” It was such a clear, definitive thought; if I hadn’t known better I would have thought someone had said it out loud to me. While I got ready for work I forgot about it, but later in the day I was scrolling through my messages and saw the one from cousin again. “Oh yeah,” I thought. “I need Jesus.”

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So I sent him a message and told him I’d cancelled my (non-existent) plans and I would be there. He added me to the group’s Facebook message, so I saw that they were reading the book of Acts. I believe it was chapters 12-17, so before I went to the meeting, I pulled over at a gas station, took out my pocket New Testament, and read.

In that part of the book, Peter was in jail (again), and basically God sets him free. Literally breaks the chains around his wrists, and allows Peter to walk out past the guards unscathed. Easy peasy. Because God.

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Okay let me explain the mind-blowingness of it.

I was depressed once. I was falling back into depression. And then one random day a couple weeks after being back home, my cousin is like “Come learn about Jesus with this cool group of people!” And first I was like, “Nah,” then I was like, “Okay!” And then there I found myself. In a gas station. On a Friday night. Reading about how God saved Peter from jail.

Are my staccato sentences not doing it for you?

My depression = jail.

God = the way out of jail.

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It He was exactly what I needed, and the circumstances were just right for me to accept that. That night, I shared with my new group of brothers and sisters about my depression, about how I felt like this was exactly where I needed to be, about how I felt like God was telling me, “Severn, let me set you free.” After group was over, my cousin’s wife walked me out, and at the bottom of the steps in their apartment building, I was saved.

I know it sounds a bit cliché, but I swear I flew home that night. My car was gliding 10″ above the street, and I felt almost invincible, like I was shrouded in a glowing white light.

After that night, I began to see God in everything. It was amazing how much I could see once I actually opened my eyes. I’ve always believed in God, but I don’t think I’ve ever really appreciated him.

God loves us no matter how many times we screw up, whether we sin or don’t sin. All He wants is to love us, even though we break His heart repeatedly. The least we can do is love Him back as best we know how. That’s why I added loving God and living my life to glorify Him to my list of how to become a goddess.

We don’t deserve God’s love, and truthfully it’s not something that can be earned, but I know that if I love and praise Him, the blessings will continue to come down. (More on this later, I promise!)

 

Glitter

“I swear I just saw it!” I exclaim. “Okay, look to your left and slowly turn your face to the right.”

He sighs, but does as he’s told. There’s a birthmark on his ear, right where an earring would be if his ears were pierced. I play with that lobe more than the other when we’re lounging in bed. His cheeks are speckled with stubble, but through it I see his skin: the color of my café con leche when I don’t put enough milk. His eyebrow is annoyingly tame and unbushy. People born with perfect eyebrows don’t know how good they’ve got it. He’s closed his eyes, but his eyelashes still look long and beautiful. The bridge of his nose is wide, and would make the perfect mount for glasses should his 20/20 vision change. His lips look full and soft, and for a second I forget what I’m doing, and lean in to kiss them.

He kisses me back, so lovingly, so tenderly, but then breaks away with a another sigh.

“Babe.” He grabs my shoulders and looks into my eyes. “Did you find the glitter?”

I give him an apologetic smile and sink into a shrug. “I’m sorry, I got distracted!”

He chuckles, shaking his head. “Wait, I just saw it again!”

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Choices

Getting out of bed in the morning.

Driving to work everyday.

Sticking to my meal plan and workout schedule.

Talking to God every day.

Watching Netflix instead of studying.

Loving someone–or not.

These are all choices of varying importance, but they are choices nonetheless. Depression makes choosing a difficult task–sometimes impossible–but we can fight it. I fight it everyday, and for the past couple of weeks I’ve been winning.

I still don’t necessarily enjoy any of these things, but I’m doing them! And that in itself is something to be excited about.

❤ Severn

How I’ve Been Handling Life

  • productive distractions like laundry, cleaning, writing
  • non-productive distractions like Netflix
  • talking to my mom and friends about my feelings
  • repeatedly telling myself to get my life together, making plans to do so, and failing at said plans, repeat
  • therapy (yay!)
  • shopping (yay!)
  • many imaginary conversations in my head, but mostly just overthinking the shit out of my life, feelings, and things I can’t control
  • trying (and failing) to not think about Beau
  • reminding myself to love myself
  • taking baby steps to figure out what a “normal” life is for me

December Goals

1. Catch up on studying.

I am way behind, so getting back to where I’m supposed to be (according to my handy schedule) is top priority.

2. Go to the gym!

I’m shooting for 3x/week, but I will settle for two. I am so incredibly uncomfortable with my body, so sculpting it into what I want is key to my happiness. Also, I may be signing up for a training plan, so yay!

3. Self-Love

I’m not happy, and I spend a decent amount of time putting myself down. Admonishing myself for the thoughts I have, being mean to myself about my body, telling myself I’m not doing enough to live the life I want… deep down believing I don’t deserve the life I want. Well, I can’t promise that all that will stop–chances are it never will–but I can at least add some self-love to the mix to balance out the negative. And then maybe one day the love will overwhelm the rest.

Finish the year strong! What are you December goals?

 

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Proverbs 4:23

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Marley sent this verse to me yesterday. She told me I should lift this up to God in prayer and ask him to help me guard my heart, and to help me decide when a person is deserving of my love. 

If you guys, even if you don’t know me, could do the same I would really appreciate it. 

Because Marley is right. When I love, I love with everything I have, with my entire heart. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is platonic, familial, or romantic. If I love you, know that it is a fierce, all-encompassing love. 

But I guess that makes me vulneralble, how could it not? And so asking God to help me figure out who I can and should give my heart to is necessary. It is so painful to love that fiercly and not receive the same in return. Sometimes the person just isn’t capable of it, sometimes they’re just not capable of it with me. Regardless, I can’t give my heart to just anybody. They have to be worthy, they have to be willing reciprocate.

I get it now, I have to slow down. Even if my feelings are painfully strong and obvious– like with Beau–I have to slow down. 

When Beau and I went out that first time, I felt like God was with me, like he orchestrated the whole thing and was telling me, “Yes, this one. You are supposed to be with him.” His presence that night was just so strong. But even if that is what God was telling me, that didn’t mean, “Okay now plan the rest of your life together.” 

I have to remember that being with someone, loving them, accepting them, and expecting them to do the same takes TIME. I’ve always been an impatient person… Now that I’m alone I suppose I have more time to work on that. 

Guard my heart. Once upon a time I wrote a story about a dragon who guards my heart. When someone tries to get close the dragon roars his breath of fire, hardening the castle that is my heart even more, but the water from the moat around it (to keep people out of course) would splash and soothe the burns because I crave intimacy.

The thing is, when I wrote that story, I wasn’t thinking about how I actually behave in romantic relationships. As I said, in that case I’m all in–dragon be damned. I jump, eyes wide open to watch myself fall–first in love, then to my demise. 

Seems silly now that I have a visual. Why would I bring that on myself? 

Part of me knew something like this would happen. Every time I would thank God for sending me Beau, I would also make sure to tell Him that I was SO appreciative and PLEASE don’t take him away. Why would I even mention that if I didn’t know on some level it wasn’t going to last. We went wrong somewhere along the way. 

It’s okay, though. I know God has a plan for me. Part of me still really believes Beau and I belong together, but I know I can’t just make that decision on my own. All I can do is pray that he sees it, too, that he sees just how perfect with and for each other we are, and pray that we find our way back to each other in that way when the timing is better. When we both know who we are and what we want. We can be friends again if nothing else (eventually). He said he doesn’t want to lose me, and I believe him. And more importantly I don’t  want to lose him either. I know that he cares for me deeply, and we need as many people in our lives to love us as possible.

Also, I have to pray for God to reveal his plan to me when I need guidance. Because maybe I’m not supposed to be with Beau. Maybe God has other things in store for me. What I have to do now is focus on me, building my life, pursuing my passion and goals, and becoming the best, most complete me I can be. 

Or at least I can try.