November in Review

I had one goal this month: to be happy.

It’s been hard as f*ck.

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Mostly because my heart’s been broken, but also because even before my break up I was falling back into depression.

I went from 5am wake-ups (to work out or study or cook for the day) to snoozing 30-45 minutes, and laying in bed awake until it was imperative that I get up, shower, and go to work. Then I went to work and was probably at a 50% productivity rate. Then I would come home and promptly get back under my covers–sometimes not even bothering to change out of my work clothes.

It’s been rough.

Not even a month has passed since we broke up, but it already feels like my relationship with Beau never happened. Like it was a long dream, a detour from my real life. That feeling alone could suck the happiness out of me, but honestly depression did most of that already.

I’m not happy.

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Sure, I have happy moments or days or whatever, but overall I’m just a numb, sometimes sad zombie. Objectively I’m making good progress. I got rid of so much stuff in my room and bought a bookshelf and a desk, so my space is better. I started waking up at 5am again and doing test prep or going to the gym. My productivity at work isn’t as terrible anymore. I’ve had friendly conversations with Beau, I’ve spent time with family, I’m saving money.

But none of that makes me happy. I’m just going through the motions.

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My hope for the very near future is that “just going through the motions” starts to make me feel good again.

That being sore from the gym excites me. That eating healthy food makes me feel healthier. That keeping my room clean puts me at ease. That I stop hating my job, and I start to see it as the necessary stepping stone it is.

I just want to live my life with intention, and with a general sense of… happiness. “Meh” is not an acceptable answer to “Are you happy?” but it’s pretty constant for me.

My therapist has given me some suggestions that I’ll try to follow in the next month (and probably for the rest of forever until I’m happy and then longer so I stay happy). I often get caught in negative thought loops, and I’m meaner to myself than anyone else has ever been to me. I aim to fix that.

Did I accomplish this month’s goal? No. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying.

 

November Goals

Three days late is better than never!

1. CHOOSE TO BE F*CKING HAPPY!

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This is literally my only goal this month. Yes, I know it breaks the cardinal rule of goal-making: be SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound). Okay, so it breaks the “SMA” rule.

BUT.

It’s the only thing that matters to me right now. My life feels so up in the air. The only thing in my life that makes me truly happy lately is Beau and our relationship. And that’s not healthy–I know that’s not healthy. It’s not his fault, it’s not anybody’s fault. It’s just the way my brain seems to be wired.

I don’t want to feel like this, unsatisfied with my life. Every time I start to feel myself falling I try to remind myself of all my blessings. And there are a lot! They are objectively really awesome, but I still feel like… like I’m not doing enough.

I’m not deserving, I’m not good enough, I’m not really doing my best. I keep listening to all these personal development books, having deep talks with Beau about what I want to do with my life, and praying (no where near enough, but still) in the hopes of making myself feel better. And that all helps in the moment, but it never lasts.

Part of the reason my relief is so fleeting is because I’m constantly thinking about what I need to do to get where I want to be, to look how I want to look, to live the life of my dreams. I need to stop spending so much money, to work out more and eat healthier, to study harder so I can pass my exams, to stop getting distracted at work. I just feel so unequipped for this life of mine.

Part of me knows it’s normal to feel this way because I’m a 23 year old woman, but that doesn’t make it any easier to handle. I’m sick of feeling helpless, so instead I’m going to put all of my energy into being happy.

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Easier said than done, I know, BUT I’m still going to try. Because I haven’t fallen so far down the depression hole that I can’t bring myself to at least give it a shot.

Okay, maybe one more “subgoal” if you will:

1a. Forgive myself when I need to, and remember that it is okay to feel things other than happiness.

Wish me luck, y’all. I need all the positive support I can get. 🙂

❤ Severn

 

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featured image source: http://quotesblog.net/hello-november/

Quick Hello and Goodnight

My life feels like it’s coming together! And I’m sure there are a million things just waiting to happen (both good and bad) right around the corner, but I don’t care. 

In this moment I am happy. 

In this moment I am determined to achieve my goals.

In this moment I am at peace with the trajectory my life is on. 

I thank God that I live such a blessed life, and I honestly hope each and every one of you lovely people finds a source of happiness and peace in your own lives. Whether that’s a person, an accomplished goal, or simply a decision– I hope you find it. 

Everyone deserves to be this happy. 

Derailed

I had a plan for tonight. I haven’t been able to do many of the things I normally would, so today was going to be the day. My laundry is undone, there is a pile of books to be read on my bedroom floor, the gym is mocking me, and my finances are still not organized into a budget plan.

But I don’t even care.

My cousin just wrote an amazing story. A story about our family, a story about the relationships in his life, a story about growing into the man he is right now. And I’m so proud of him. And it made me want to write again–like seriously write again.

This blog started off happily, hopefully, and while it hasn’t morphed completely, I would say it’s definitely changed. To be honest I was scared of sounding too depressed. I was afraid of somehow glamorizing my feelings here because that’s how I became so utterly dependent on my last blog. For validation, for releasing emotions, and for a definition of myself. I spoke to my readers more than to the people in my everyday life, and it wasn’t a healthy outlet anymore.

I don’t want this blog to turn into that one, but I think I might be able to find a medium.

Expect the usual positive posts with lessons to be learned from the misadventures in my life, but also be ready for some heavier content. I miss sharing raw feelings on here! Once I start therapy again I’ll get back to some of that.

Ugh, I suddenly feel very weird about this whole post. I was inspired by my cousin, but now I’m just… babbling.

Okay. Regroup.

I’m going to post more consistently.

I’m going to start writing with passion again.

I’m gonna keep being awesome.

-Severn

Update (A List!)

  • I still have not found a therapist, but I have also stopped looking. It didn’t feel as urgent as it used to, but the urgency has slowly been creeping upward again.
  • I’m still learning some things at work, but for the most part it is BOR.ING.
  • I got a haircut, and I’m in love with it, even though it’s way shorter than I normally go.
  • My room is a mess, my socks don’t match, and I feel like I’m neglecting my mother (even though she says I’m not) because…
  • BEAU AND I ARE DATING. I know I said I didn’t feel those relationship vibes with him, but turns out all we had to do was “turn it on” (his words not mine) and here we are! It’s only been a couple weeks, but it feels like we’ve been a couple forever because we were friends for so long before. Being with him is the most natural feeling in the world, and I’m happier than I have been in a VERY long time.
  • I’m still trying to get the hang of the whole adulthood thing (does anyone ever really get it though?). I totally forgot about my first car payment, but luckily I remembered before I got charged a late fee.
  • Salsa classes are great, and it helps that Beau and I are the best ones there.
  • Bullet journaling is great! I’ll eventually share some of the spreads I’ve done and stuff on here, too.
  • Pursuing my architecture license has fallen from the top of my priority list, but I’m working on getting it back up there.
  • I’ve resolved to stop making promises about posting on here more because life keeps taking me by surprise, and I don’t like to break promises. It makes me anxious.

Eventually you will hear more about:

  • My relationship with Beau (and what happened to Dapper)
  • My bible study (It’s amazing)
  • Adulthood
  • My bullet journal
  • My plans for the next year or so

Until next time, my lovelies!

❤ Severn

Beach

She laid there in the sun, eyes closed, body still. The noise of children playing and people talking slowly grew fainter as she focused on the sound of the water. A light breeze rustled the wisps of hair resting on her forehead. She smiled.

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In response to WordPress’ Daily Prompt.

Saved by the Future

My current mood is a (healthy?) mix of relaxed, determined, and… giddy? with an underlying level of stress. Is that possible?

I’ve been binge watching Saved By the Bell while I do my studio work, and let me tell you: I forgot how good this show was!

It’s funny, a lot of episodes have actual lessons, and damn Zack Morris was gorgeous! I’m totally living vicariously through this show right now. So many couples, so much friendship, and did I mention Zack Morris was hot?

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Yes, I’m one of those millennials slightly obsessed with the 90’s, but what can I say? It was a solid decade in my personal opinion. Despite being the starting point of many of my issues, my childhood was overall pretty great! My parents loved me, I had the best cartoons, cool clothes, a Skip It, and I didn’t grow up with a cell phone glued to my hand.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the past–not just like “yo the 90’s were poppin’!” but also reliving various moments of my life. My first crush, fights my parents used to have, watching Saturday morning cartoons while my grandma made me pancakes. Then when I was a bit older: applying to high school; having a crush on one of the cute, popular, rich kids in my class and not only being rejected, but made fun of; the entirety of the Tiger Saga; applying to college; Shoelaces (my last boyfriend). It’s not always pleasant to think about the past, especially when Depression Brain wants to highlight nothing but the bad.

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When I can’t stop reliving the past.

How do I combat this? Well, I’m glad you asked! A lot of advice tells you to focus on the present. Practice mindfulness, and let it ground you in the here and now. That’s not always helpful for me, though; my brain is a little too unruly to successfully accomplish such a task. And to be honest, most of the time I’m unhappy with my present situation, and no amount of concentrating on my fingers as they type is going to change that.

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Instead, I plan for my future! I know the future is a huge cause of anxiety for many people, but it mostly just excites me. I can’t wait to have my own apartment to decorate, a dog to take care of, 128 hours a week to spend doing absolutely whatever I want. I have plans to get heavy into fitness, learn calligraphy so one day I can make my own wedding invitations, continue dancing at the Millennium in Chicago. I want to finally tackle the Rory Gilmore Reading List (of which I have ready 40 books so far), and finally become fluent in Spanish. School is important, and I obviously needed it to learn how to be an architect, but it is all consuming, and I can’t wait to be done with it.

Adults love to say, “College is great! Stay as long as you can!” but why? I have a crap ton of debt from student loans, I have pulled so many all nighters that I’m pretty sure my brain/short term memory has been permanently affected, and there is little to no recognition from any of my professors of my good work. No, I want the real world. A world where my boss will praise me for doing well, and tell me if I’m not. A world where questions get answered, and sleep is not a bonus, but a given. A world where I can actually date someone, not just hook up with them periodically and convince myself that it’s a socially/emotionally/physically satisfying experience. (Confession: it rarely is.)

No, I’m ready for the next chapter of my life. The 90’s were great, the 00’s were a little strange, and the teens have been… well full of college, which has its ups and downs. But the rest of the teens–the rest of my life. That’s what I’m ready for.

I may be living vicariously through a show that went off-air the year I was born, but in 17 days, my real life begins. And I couldn’t be more ready.

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Small Victories

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t lay there for an hour contemplating how important it was for me to do stuff today. I got up, got dressed, went for a run, came back, showered, and now I’m at Starbucks being productive as fuck. And it feels great! I’ve been in a depressive slump for the past week, so it feels good to be able to do things again.

I realized that part of what’s bothering me/contributing to my loneliness is the fact that my roommate, Corey, has a girl. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that they are now a thing because it’s been a long time coming. I just didn’t think it would make me feel so… well, alone!

Anyway, regardless of the lonely thoughts still swimming in my brain, I was able to leave my apartment with a sense of purpose. I’m praying this new found purpose remains with me for the next 21 days because that’s how long till I’m back home and fully adulting, betchessss.

Excuse me, I got a little excited there. Back to work!

Severn

Excitement

I didn’t post yesterday because I had a studio review to prepare for. It was my first studio-related late night in a while.

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This was me.

Getting work done was a bit tough because my focus was basically non-existent. This week is my school’s Spring Carnival. Carnival is a 4-day period where students don’t have class (teehee double meaning) and the school hosts various fun events.

Like this.

And this.

And this.

Normally, I’m preparing for buggy, or building a booth, but this year I have NO responsibilities! And to celebrate this, I plan to have as much fun as possible by:

  • party hopping
  • bar hopping
  • hip-hopping riding the carnival rides
  • hanging out with friends
  • cheering on my team

I’m actually really excited! And my favorite thing about excitement is that it makes depression seem so very far away. Even if I feel drained by the emotion (which happens 90% of the time), I’m still happy to experience it. And with that, I bid you adieu until tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe I’ll have an adventurous carnival story to tell you.

❤ Severn

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of the things I have not yet covered in therapy. I did, however, recently finish reading Allegiant, which made me think more about the concept. (If you have not read the Divergent series and have no clue what I’m talking about, essentially Tris [main chick] struggles with forgiving her brother for betraying her. Also, GO read the series or at least watch the movies because it’s/they’re SO good!)

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Plus THIS stud is in them *drools*

Before this book, I don’t think I had a very accurate idea of what forgiveness is. Isn’t that a little weird? I was unsettled. I’m 23, and I’ve forgiven numerous people for a plethora of transgressions in my lifetime, but I don’t think I was doing it right. I mean, I told them they were forgiven, and I did my best to make that true, but I found myself still feeling angry, and hurt about whatever happened. And then I would feel guilty because I couldn’t stop it. My forgiveness felt like a lie.

In reality, my definition of forgiveness was just wrong. I thought that when you forgave somebody, it meant that you were over whatever they did to wrong you. It didn’t hurt anymore, or matter, even.

What Allegiant made me realize is that forgiveness is not a one time thing. Forgiveness is a choice you make day after day to acknowledge that a person has hurt you, and to not hold it against them. To go on maintaining a relationship with them, and to let them continue to be a part of your life.

I’ve also realized that there’s no need to feel guilty about still feeling angry, hurt, or upset sometimes. “I forgive you” is not a magic phrase that alleviates pain. It’s going to take time for those feelings to fade. It may seem like you’ll be harboring that pain forever, but you won’t be. As you go on living your life, chances are all the experiences you gather will eventually eclipse whatever was hurting you. Feelings dull over time as long as you don’t intentionally hold on to them.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I finally understand quotes like, “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself” (Tony Robbins). It makes sense to me now how deliberately making a choice is so freeing. I’m not completely free yet, but I’m working on it. And that makes me happy.