My current mood is a (healthy?) mix of relaxed, determined, and… giddy? with an underlying level of stress. Is that possible?
I’ve been binge watching Saved By the Bell while I do my studio work, and let me tell you: I forgot how good this show was!
It’s funny, a lot of episodes have actual lessons, and damn Zack Morris was gorgeous! I’m totally living vicariously through this show right now. So many couples, so much friendship, and did I mention Zack Morris was hot?
Yes, I’m one of those millennials slightly obsessed with the 90’s, but what can I say? It was a solid decade in my personal opinion. Despite being the starting point of many of my issues, my childhood was overall pretty great! My parents loved me, I had the best cartoons, cool clothes, a Skip It, and I didn’t grow up with a cell phone glued to my hand.
I spend a lot of time thinking about the past–not just like “yo the 90’s were poppin’!” but also reliving various moments of my life. My first crush, fights my parents used to have, watching Saturday morning cartoons while my grandma made me pancakes. Then when I was a bit older: applying to high school; having a crush on one of the cute, popular, rich kids in my class and not only being rejected, but made fun of; the entirety of the Tiger Saga; applying to college; Shoelaces (my last boyfriend). It’s not always pleasant to think about the past, especially when Depression Brain wants to highlight nothing but the bad.
When I can’t stop reliving the past.
How do I combat this? Well, I’m glad you asked! A lot of advice tells you to focus on the present. Practice mindfulness, and let it ground you in the here and now. That’s not always helpful for me, though; my brain is a little too unruly to successfully accomplish such a task. And to be honest, most of the time I’m unhappy with my present situation, and no amount of concentrating on my fingers as they type is going to change that.
Instead, I plan for my future! I know the future is a huge cause of anxiety for many people, but it mostly just excites me. I can’t wait to have my own apartment to decorate, a dog to take care of, 128 hours a week to spend doing absolutely whatever I want. I have plans to get heavy into fitness, learn calligraphy so one day I can make my own wedding invitations, continue dancing at the Millennium in Chicago. I want to finally tackle the Rory Gilmore Reading List (of which I have ready 40 books so far), and finally become fluent in Spanish. School is important, and I obviously needed it to learn how to be an architect, but it is all consuming, and I can’t wait to be done with it.
Adults love to say, “College is great! Stay as long as you can!” but why? I have a crap ton of debt from student loans, I have pulled so many all nighters that I’m pretty sure my brain/short term memory has been permanently affected, and there is little to no recognition from any of my professors of my good work. No, I want the real world. A world where my boss will praise me for doing well, and tell me if I’m not. A world where questions get answered, and sleep is not a bonus, but a given. A world where I can actually date someone, not just hook up with them periodically and convince myself that it’s a socially/emotionally/physically satisfying experience. (Confession: it rarely is.)
No, I’m ready for the next chapter of my life. The 90’s were great, the 00’s were a little strange, and the teens have been… well full of college, which has its ups and downs. But the rest of the teens–the rest of my life. That’s what I’m ready for.
I may be living vicariously through a show that went off-air the year I was born, but in 17 days, my real life begins. And I couldn’t be more ready.