I’m Out!

I’ve been stuck in my head for the past week or so, but I’m finally out! A combination of reading The Untethered Soul, talking to and sharing my feelings with Beau (after holding them in for no good reason), and getting an extremely good night’s sleep has me feeling on top of the world.

I don’t feel slave to my thoughts or to my experiences. I feel secure, centered. All those things I was worrying about last week–if I should be studying again already, if I give Beau too much space will he decide not to come back, what the hell do I do about not liking my job–all of that seems so… extra.

The reality of life is that you live it and then you die. Sometimes that thought freaks me out, but mostly it makes me want to do things I love and spend time with people important to me. I do NOT want to waste time worrying about shit I can’t control; I do NOT want to waste time on things that don’t matter; and I DO want to spend time figuring out what is important to me, what I want to do with my life, and how I want to make that happen.

I’ve been pretty mentally tame/calm for the past couple months in that I’ve been generally less anxious–I’ve grown a lot. But, this past week was just a reminder that there’s still work to do, and that’s okay! Growth excites me. I’m constantly evolving, and that keeps life interesting. If you don’t share that perspective, if we don’t vibrate on the same or similar frequencies? You can go on an get out of my way.

So, in summary: Go me!

Until next time,

Severn

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Pep Talks

Sometimes I have to give myself pep talks in order to accomplish things. It helps if I can watch myself be all motivating in the mirror.

Showing myself tough love is my go-to. There are a lot of challenging questions and remarks like:

“Are you seriously gonna stop studying after only 30 minutes?”

“Stop being a little bitch! You literally lifted this same weight last week–you can do it again.”

“You were not made to be average! Get your shit together and just fucking do it!”

Most of the time these work pretty well. The rest of the time, I just have to accept defeat and vow to do better next time. And that is perfectly fine. 🙂

Hey Hi Hello

Hi internet friends!

I’m alive! Lots has happened since I last posted on this lovely little blog of mine, but it seems the older I get, the less desire I have to share my entire life with the world.

I passed the first of my architecture licensing exams through copious amounts of studying and prayer. I’ve got four more to pass, and I’m working really hard to make sure I succeed.

In my previous post, I talked about how it was time for me to pick a goal and focus on it before moving on to the next. That’s still my general plan (it’s been working well), but things are starting to overlap a little more now, because life likes to throw you curve balls, and God often brings you through things you don’t exactly feel ready for. I’m okay with that.

The trajectory my life is currently on excites me! I think I have grown so much in the past year, but really in the past three months. The combination of therapy, talks with my mom, spurts of life-coaching from Beau, and my own introspection have really helped me grow into myself. I’m more secure, less anxious, more willing to accept the uncertainties in life. I’m also a much more dedicated person, to my goals, my faith, and myself.

I (think I) have mentioned a few times how I view 2017 as “the lost year” because I don’t feel like I accomplished anything real. I’m wrong about that, of course, I did do things…it’s not the lost year because of lack of action, but because *I* was lost. I bounced around randomly going on dates with strangers, reviving my previously held role of “the other woman”, refusing to take concrete steps to accomplish my goals… I didn’t know who I was, or who I wanted to be.

I’m not saying I have it all figured out now, but I have a much better idea. I know where I’m headed, and what I want to do. I have a plan to make sure what I think I want to do is what I actually want to do. But, even with this plan, I’m actively not trying to control everything around me the way I used.

*deep breath*

It’s been a while since I’ve written on here, so I’m a bit rusty, haha. The points I’d like you take away from all this:

  • Dedication, Determination, and NO Distractions are vital to achieving your goals–seriously… STOP letting your dreams be suffocated by distractions like toxic relationships, mindless time-suckers, and negative thoughts
  • Your support system is vital to your personal growth, surround yourself with people who want the best for you, and be filled with their positive energy
  • Faith can bring you through the toughest of times, and even if it doesn’t feel like it, God is with you, and he has a plan for your life

Anywho, gotta get back to studying. These practice problems aren’t going to answer themselves!

Until next time,

Severn ❤

TTFN

I’ve got, like, 4 unfinished posts sitting in my drafts folder, and it’s because I keep deciding halfway through that I no longer like them.

That’s both a hard fact, and a metaphor for my life.

I have 4 large goals I’ve been trying to accomplish for the past year and a half or so just sitting on my “Goals” list, and it’s because I consistently half-ass any efforts put towards reaching them.

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Welp. 2018 is the year of the full-ass attempts. It’s the year themed “Level Up”. It’s time for me to pick a thing, and freaking focus on it until it gets done. Then, I’ll move on to the next thing. Simple, direct, doable.

Unfortunately, blogging is not on my current list of priorities. So, while I may return every so often to update y’all, or to share some random tidbit/life-lesson/experience/super short story, this is my official notice that I’m taking a hiatus.

I deserve more from myself. My goals deserve my undivided attention. I used to be great at getting shit done, and I aim to get back to that version of myself.

So, I bid you all adieu for now.

Until next time,

Severn ❤

May Goals

I skipped a couple weeks, but I’m here now. Hellloooo.

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It’s May! Honestly, where has the time gone? Why does it move so quickly?? What is the meaning of it all?!

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Anywho, now that that mini-existential crisis is out of the way, on to the main event.

MY MAY GOALS:

  • I am going to FULLY, REALLY, TRULY, SERIOUSLY get back on my 5am wake up schedule and study grind. I have been majorly slacking, and it’s time I kick my butt back into gear. This morning was a definite struggle, but tomorrow is a new day!giphy-downsized.gif
  • Find a good balance between going out/spending money and staying in/watching Netflix. If I do too much of either, I end up burnt out, or feeling guilty for neglecting my responsibilities. I can achieve this balance by really checking in with myself and assessing both my emotional and financial resources before deciding what to do with my time. Yay mental health and being responsible! happy britney spears yay following woot GIF
  • Follow through on promises I make–to myself and others! This one is pretty self-explanatory. It also goes along with keeping to my study schedule and such.

Those are the big three! When I try to tackle more than that it doesn’t tend to end well. It’s important to set goals and really strive to achieve them, but I believe one must also be aware of one’s own capabilities. I often spread myself too thin, and that typically leads to me half-assing a bunch a things.

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Okay, so it’s more than one thing, but still. You get my point.

Other things that will be going on this month:

  • continuing along my fitness journey (workouts & meal prep)
  • blogging (please love me by continuing to read my posts!)
  • dating (for the record I deleted all my dating apps, but more on that later)
  • my mommy’s birthday!
  • general all purpose adulting

I’m excited for another month! And I’m even more excited that it started on a Monday. It’s just so satisfying. Alrighty, time for me to hit the hay. (What a weird expression for a city girl.)

Until next time!

❤ Severn

Obligatory New Year Post

I was going to do a “2016 in Review” post, but after I wrote it, I didn’t want to share it. I learned and experienced both great triumph and heartache. Right now, though, I want to focus on what’s to come.

My theme for 2017 is Self-Love.

Every goal I set for myself this year will be geared toward becoming the best version of myself possible.

I’ve always struggled a bit with self-love and happiness. However, I just finished reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck (review to come) and one of the first points Manson makes is this:

The experience of seeking happiness, success, and a positive lifestyle is inherently negative. Mostly, it helps us internalize the fact that we (think) we are NOT happy, NOT successful, NOT positive people.

The moment I read that was the moment I stopped thinking of myself as unhappy. It was like magic! And along with that realization, I decided to love myself and everything I am!

BUT

That doesn’t mean I can’t improve some things or work on bettering myself and my life situation. It just means that I’m seeking all that from the healthy place of self-love, not the dangerous place of self-hate.

So without further ado, my biggest 2017 goals:

– #ArchitectBy25

– Be comfortable in my own skin

– Apply to grad school

– Be more creative and leave my comfort zone more often

– Buy a condo

These are some huge goals! They will require major focus, dedication, and perseverance, but I know I can do it

So you have a theme for 2017? What are some of your goals? Let me know in the comments!

December Goals

1. Catch up on studying.

I am way behind, so getting back to where I’m supposed to be (according to my handy schedule) is top priority.

2. Go to the gym!

I’m shooting for 3x/week, but I will settle for two. I am so incredibly uncomfortable with my body, so sculpting it into what I want is key to my happiness. Also, I may be signing up for a training plan, so yay!

3. Self-Love

I’m not happy, and I spend a decent amount of time putting myself down. Admonishing myself for the thoughts I have, being mean to myself about my body, telling myself I’m not doing enough to live the life I want… deep down believing I don’t deserve the life I want. Well, I can’t promise that all that will stop–chances are it never will–but I can at least add some self-love to the mix to balance out the negative. And then maybe one day the love will overwhelm the rest.

Finish the year strong! What are you December goals?

 

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November Goals

Three days late is better than never!

1. CHOOSE TO BE F*CKING HAPPY!

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This is literally my only goal this month. Yes, I know it breaks the cardinal rule of goal-making: be SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound). Okay, so it breaks the “SMA” rule.

BUT.

It’s the only thing that matters to me right now. My life feels so up in the air. The only thing in my life that makes me truly happy lately is Beau and our relationship. And that’s not healthy–I know that’s not healthy. It’s not his fault, it’s not anybody’s fault. It’s just the way my brain seems to be wired.

I don’t want to feel like this, unsatisfied with my life. Every time I start to feel myself falling I try to remind myself of all my blessings. And there are a lot! They are objectively really awesome, but I still feel like… like I’m not doing enough.

I’m not deserving, I’m not good enough, I’m not really doing my best. I keep listening to all these personal development books, having deep talks with Beau about what I want to do with my life, and praying (no where near enough, but still) in the hopes of making myself feel better. And that all helps in the moment, but it never lasts.

Part of the reason my relief is so fleeting is because I’m constantly thinking about what I need to do to get where I want to be, to look how I want to look, to live the life of my dreams. I need to stop spending so much money, to work out more and eat healthier, to study harder so I can pass my exams, to stop getting distracted at work. I just feel so unequipped for this life of mine.

Part of me knows it’s normal to feel this way because I’m a 23 year old woman, but that doesn’t make it any easier to handle. I’m sick of feeling helpless, so instead I’m going to put all of my energy into being happy.

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Easier said than done, I know, BUT I’m still going to try. Because I haven’t fallen so far down the depression hole that I can’t bring myself to at least give it a shot.

Okay, maybe one more “subgoal” if you will:

1a. Forgive myself when I need to, and remember that it is okay to feel things other than happiness.

Wish me luck, y’all. I need all the positive support I can get. 🙂

❤ Severn

 

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featured image source: http://quotesblog.net/hello-november/

October in Review

Let’s see how I did with my goals this month!

1. Create a concrete study schedule a stick to it.

I definitely created the schedule, but I could definitely improve on the sticking to it part. The good news is that I’m on track! I start studying the next section in my review book today, and I’m excited. 🙂

2. Keep to a specific schedule/routine for dividing my time.

Success! My mom and I have set a day that we always spend together. Originally it was two, but she told me she was happy with one and on that day we have dinner together and watch our television series. Beau still gets Wednesday’s and half my weekends. The rest is what Barley and I like to call time with the freedom of choice. A.K.A. I do what I want time!

3. Bring lunch to work everyday, and only eat out for dinner once a week (where I pay).

Eh, I will estimate that I brought lunch to work about 80% if the time. Not quite my goal, but still pretty good!

Why is time moving so quickly?!

Look out for my November goals later today 🙂

❤ Severn

Life Update

The MBTI stories are hard. I think I forgot that fiction writing isn’t easy. And revealing a character as an INFJ (which is what I am), even, is going to take a lot of time. So I finally have the first installment for you (next week), but know that the whole process will require your patience. (And thank you for that!)

In the mean time, let’s talk about what’s going on in my life.

Therapy

I realized I never told you all that I found a therapist. Well I did, and she’s pretty cool. Honestly, I miss Bristle, but Barley has her own set of strengths. We’re only like 4 sessions in, but I still don’t feel 100% comfortable with her. I think it might be because she’s a lot older than me/in a completely different stage of life. I mean, that obviously has its benefits, but I kind of liked how Bristle was clearly only a few years older than me.

Anyway, my appointments are bi-weekly. I’ve cried once, but mostly my sessions consist of ranting/complaining about all the tings I feel. Guilty, for not spending enough time with my mom, family, and friends. Overwhelmed by the fact that money will be tight once my student loan payments start. And that means it’ll take even longer to move out. And I love my mom, but I need to move out. Barley gives me advice on how to handle these things.

Relationships

It’s hard to stop myself from falling into the old habit of Mommy-pleasing. Barley tells me that now is the time in my life when I should be spreading my wings. Wanting to go home to keep my mom happy (because she feels like she never sees me) isn’t bad, but I need to maintain a balance. I’m also trying to be more open with my mom. Expressing my feelings, rather than burying them so I don’t rock the boat is no longer an option. Sometimes she’ll get upset, I might even unintentionally make her feel guilty about things, but living there won’t be any easier for me if I don’t do this. And hopefully by role modeling this, she will start to follow my lead, and our relationship will improve.

Things with Beau are absolutely wonderful. Our relationship is unlike any other I’ve ever had–romantic or otherwise. Beau is the only person I feel 100% comfortable expressing all of my true feelings to. Sometimes I still get a little anxious when I feel like we have something more serious to talk about, but I’m never afraid to talk to him about anything. I don’t think, “What if this makes him want to leave me?” “Am I just being crazy?” “I’m overthinking! I should just leave him alone!”

With Beau, I have a thought, then I say it. We talk about it, or he says, “No, I wasn’t thinking that at all, babe, don’t worry!” and we move on.

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The other amazing thing about us? We are constantly pushing each other to grow and be better. We talk about our goals, we come up with plans to reach them, we hold each other accountable, we listen, we give advice, we adjust as needed. He wants to see me succeed no matter what that means for me, and I want the same for him. We are working hard to become the most badass, happy versions of ourselves. And not only are we doing it because we think it’s what we deserve in our lives, but we want to be our best selves for each other, too.

Okay, I’ll stop gushing now.

Adulting

Part of me wants to stop using that word, because it’s sort of a symbol for the dumb millennial who doesn’t know how to do anything. But it’s a buzzword, and it has it’s benefits/good aspects, so it stays.

Anyway yeah, so far adulthood hasn’t been half bad. I pay my bills on time (thank God for autopay), and I go to work everyday…

Wow, I don’t really have that many responsibilities. Am I doing this right?

My biggest concern is saving money. If I’m ever going to get my own place–if I’m ever going to own my own place, I need to save money NOW. Plus, not having to live off social security checks when I’m old will be nice, too.

Alright, folks, that’s all I’ve got for you today, I would apologize for being so absent, but I’m out living my life, so I’m not sorry.

Toodles!

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