Adulting || Dating

Guys. I joined Bumble.

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Full disclosure: I don’t actually know that I’m ready to date again yet. As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, I’ve never been “just dating”. I’m either in a relationship, single and lonely, or single and slutty. (Note to self: talk to therapist about this.)

Beau and I have only been broken up for about 5 weeks, BUT in perspective… That’s almost half the length of our relationship.

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Yes, I thought I was going to marry the dude (you just know, right?), but the other person kind of has to be on the same page in order for that to happen.  (._.)

So yeah. I’m not exactly ready to start dating; I don’t exactly know what dating entails, but I joined Bumble. It’s a fun time-waster, and I get a little ego-boost every time I match with a hot guy (even if I let the match expire by not actually saying anything to them).

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I also think part of the reason I joined is control. I like having it, and recently I’ve felt like I’ve lost it. Bumble let’s me have all the control I want. Swipe whichever way I want, talk to matches or don’t–it’s all up to me!

Don’t get me wrong–I know there are lots of other arenas in which I can claim control, but hear me out here: This is the only one that attacked me and left my heart broken. So I feel that even if buzzing on Bumble (I just made that up) leads to absolutely nothing (which I’m sure it will), I can at least be assured that it was my decision.

#FakeAdulting for the win. Woo!

Oh, and best case scenario I meet someone and fall in love, but I’m not counting on it, haha.

Yay Dating!

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How I’ve Been Handling Life

  • productive distractions like laundry, cleaning, writing
  • non-productive distractions like Netflix
  • talking to my mom and friends about my feelings
  • repeatedly telling myself to get my life together, making plans to do so, and failing at said plans, repeat
  • therapy (yay!)
  • shopping (yay!)
  • many imaginary conversations in my head, but mostly just overthinking the shit out of my life, feelings, and things I can’t control
  • trying (and failing) to not think about Beau
  • reminding myself to love myself
  • taking baby steps to figure out what a “normal” life is for me

November Goals

Three days late is better than never!

1. CHOOSE TO BE F*CKING HAPPY!

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This is literally my only goal this month. Yes, I know it breaks the cardinal rule of goal-making: be SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound). Okay, so it breaks the “SMA” rule.

BUT.

It’s the only thing that matters to me right now. My life feels so up in the air. The only thing in my life that makes me truly happy lately is Beau and our relationship. And that’s not healthy–I know that’s not healthy. It’s not his fault, it’s not anybody’s fault. It’s just the way my brain seems to be wired.

I don’t want to feel like this, unsatisfied with my life. Every time I start to feel myself falling I try to remind myself of all my blessings. And there are a lot! They are objectively really awesome, but I still feel like… like I’m not doing enough.

I’m not deserving, I’m not good enough, I’m not really doing my best. I keep listening to all these personal development books, having deep talks with Beau about what I want to do with my life, and praying (no where near enough, but still) in the hopes of making myself feel better. And that all helps in the moment, but it never lasts.

Part of the reason my relief is so fleeting is because I’m constantly thinking about what I need to do to get where I want to be, to look how I want to look, to live the life of my dreams. I need to stop spending so much money, to work out more and eat healthier, to study harder so I can pass my exams, to stop getting distracted at work. I just feel so unequipped for this life of mine.

Part of me knows it’s normal to feel this way because I’m a 23 year old woman, but that doesn’t make it any easier to handle. I’m sick of feeling helpless, so instead I’m going to put all of my energy into being happy.

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Easier said than done, I know, BUT I’m still going to try. Because I haven’t fallen so far down the depression hole that I can’t bring myself to at least give it a shot.

Okay, maybe one more “subgoal” if you will:

1a. Forgive myself when I need to, and remember that it is okay to feel things other than happiness.

Wish me luck, y’all. I need all the positive support I can get. 🙂

❤ Severn

 

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featured image source: http://quotesblog.net/hello-november/

Adulting || Finding Your Purpose

Disclaimer: I haven’t actually found my purpose yet. 

I am quite unsatisfied with my job. My mom says it might be the place/location; spending around 2 mind-numbing hours in my car everyday can’t be good for my mental health. (Not to mention the 8 hours of sitting and staring at a computer screen.) I think I need to find work that actually makes an impact in someone’s world, and Beau thinks I should start the search for that work by figuring out my mission statement.

Can’t say that I’ve done that yet, BUT there is other stuffs to work off of.

I love psychology. Figuring out the way people work, why we do the things we do, even just observing others as they live their lives…

I minored in psych in undergrad, and now I’m thinking about getting a master’s in it. I found this program called Industrial and Organizational Psychology that sounds like something I’d be interested in. Basically it’s geared towards figuring out how people are affected by their environments, mostly with regards to the workplace. As I understand it, most IO psychologists end up going into HR positions or consulting roles for companies looking to up their efficiency or employee happiness.

Now, I don’t want to be an HR rep. I am WAY too opinionated and judgmental to be successful in that field.

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BUT I think I may be able to draw some connection between the things I learn in this program with what I (think) I want to do in architecture. I believe the beauty of architecture lies in the fact that people are shaped by their environments, and we as architects are responsible for shaping those environments. It’s a cycle through which I am theoretically able to shape someone’s experience at some point in their life.

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No, I promise to use my powers for good.

I’ve always known I want to open up my own firm, but I’ve never been super clear on what kind of work I want to do. Generally community-based work like affordable housing projects and rec-centers have been my go-to’s when someone asks about my interests. Recently, I’ve felt those are too vague.

After a bit of research (in conjunction with my psych program research) I think I’ve figured out a more specific path. The firm that I eventually open will be typical in that it will offer architectural services, but I also want have a consulting side. Sure, architect-client relationships are always integral to the design process, but I want something a bit deeper.

Don’t talk to me about the materials you want to use in your kitchen or living room; tell me how you want to feel when you’re home. This strategy can also be applied to non-residential projects. Schools, rec-centers, orphanages, the list goes on. My point is I want my work to mean something to the people who interact with it. I want to make human-based architecture with an emphasis on the people in the space and how the space effects the people.

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This is more of an installation (in Boston) but the playful nature is clear, and the swings beg to be messed with.

I don’t know that my desire to create meaningful work necessarily constitutes a purpose (it might still be too vague), but I think pursuing that psych program (and relating it to architecture) will help me get closer to figuring out what my purpose is. The biggest thing I’ve learned, and that Beau has helped me see, is that I should always work towards something. Also, my overall mission (whatever that may be) should act as a motivator for almost everything I put my time and energy, too.

It’s okay that I don’t necessarily have an answer for any of this yet. I’m only 23 (for two more weeks omg), I’ve got time to figure it out. And honestly, it would still be okay to not have it figured out at 33. The most important thing about finding your purpose is that you are looking in the first place.

If you’re doing that, I’d say you’re in a pretty good spot.

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Life Update

The MBTI stories are hard. I think I forgot that fiction writing isn’t easy. And revealing a character as an INFJ (which is what I am), even, is going to take a lot of time. So I finally have the first installment for you (next week), but know that the whole process will require your patience. (And thank you for that!)

In the mean time, let’s talk about what’s going on in my life.

Therapy

I realized I never told you all that I found a therapist. Well I did, and she’s pretty cool. Honestly, I miss Bristle, but Barley has her own set of strengths. We’re only like 4 sessions in, but I still don’t feel 100% comfortable with her. I think it might be because she’s a lot older than me/in a completely different stage of life. I mean, that obviously has its benefits, but I kind of liked how Bristle was clearly only a few years older than me.

Anyway, my appointments are bi-weekly. I’ve cried once, but mostly my sessions consist of ranting/complaining about all the tings I feel. Guilty, for not spending enough time with my mom, family, and friends. Overwhelmed by the fact that money will be tight once my student loan payments start. And that means it’ll take even longer to move out. And I love my mom, but I need to move out. Barley gives me advice on how to handle these things.

Relationships

It’s hard to stop myself from falling into the old habit of Mommy-pleasing. Barley tells me that now is the time in my life when I should be spreading my wings. Wanting to go home to keep my mom happy (because she feels like she never sees me) isn’t bad, but I need to maintain a balance. I’m also trying to be more open with my mom. Expressing my feelings, rather than burying them so I don’t rock the boat is no longer an option. Sometimes she’ll get upset, I might even unintentionally make her feel guilty about things, but living there won’t be any easier for me if I don’t do this. And hopefully by role modeling this, she will start to follow my lead, and our relationship will improve.

Things with Beau are absolutely wonderful. Our relationship is unlike any other I’ve ever had–romantic or otherwise. Beau is the only person I feel 100% comfortable expressing all of my true feelings to. Sometimes I still get a little anxious when I feel like we have something more serious to talk about, but I’m never afraid to talk to him about anything. I don’t think, “What if this makes him want to leave me?” “Am I just being crazy?” “I’m overthinking! I should just leave him alone!”

With Beau, I have a thought, then I say it. We talk about it, or he says, “No, I wasn’t thinking that at all, babe, don’t worry!” and we move on.

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The other amazing thing about us? We are constantly pushing each other to grow and be better. We talk about our goals, we come up with plans to reach them, we hold each other accountable, we listen, we give advice, we adjust as needed. He wants to see me succeed no matter what that means for me, and I want the same for him. We are working hard to become the most badass, happy versions of ourselves. And not only are we doing it because we think it’s what we deserve in our lives, but we want to be our best selves for each other, too.

Okay, I’ll stop gushing now.

Adulting

Part of me wants to stop using that word, because it’s sort of a symbol for the dumb millennial who doesn’t know how to do anything. But it’s a buzzword, and it has it’s benefits/good aspects, so it stays.

Anyway yeah, so far adulthood hasn’t been half bad. I pay my bills on time (thank God for autopay), and I go to work everyday…

Wow, I don’t really have that many responsibilities. Am I doing this right?

My biggest concern is saving money. If I’m ever going to get my own place–if I’m ever going to own my own place, I need to save money NOW. Plus, not having to live off social security checks when I’m old will be nice, too.

Alright, folks, that’s all I’ve got for you today, I would apologize for being so absent, but I’m out living my life, so I’m not sorry.

Toodles!

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Thanks, but no thanks

Last night Wolf texted me about softball. I asked him about the schedule a month ago, and he JUST texted me, “We have 3 softball games left in the regular season, all on Wednesdays, if you’re still interested in picking up a bat.”

I just…

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WHY would you wait until the end of the season?

WHY did you decide to text me instead of email me back since that’s how we were communicating?

WHY did you text me so randomly at night? Did something or someone remind you that I exist?

WHY DO I CARE?

So I replied, “The urge kind of went away, but Ill keep that in mind. Maybe I’ll stop by and say hi to everyone, though.”

I’m not going to stop by and say hi to everyone. Also, aside from writing this post, I’m not going to think about this interaction again. I could drive myself crazy speculating on the answers to those questions, but I won’t.

Instead, I’m going to get even more excited to go visit Dapper in precisely 16 days, 22 hours, and 50 minutes. (Yes, I have a countdown on my home screen right now.) Also, I’m going to sleep.

❤ Severn

 

Adulting || A Place to Call Home

A couple days ago, I got a text from two of my cousins asking if I wanted to move in with them.

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I called them, they told me the details, and I agreed to think about it.

The Details:

  • four bedroom house with two full baths
  • my Godparents (their parents) own it
  • front and back yards
  • washer and dryer in basement
  • basement with kitchen and storage
  • porch
  • only $360/month + utilities
  • four other roommates
  • move in would be end of July or end of August

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I turned it down.

Yes, $360 is a steal if we’re talking about getting to live in a house. I would already know my landlords, and my cousins are pretty awesome. I was really excited when they first pitched it to me, but they asked me to think about it, so I didn’t say yes right away.

Here’s the thing: it’s a good deal and all, but that’s not how I pictured adulthood.

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At first, that didn’t feel like a good enough, but it totally is! An important thing I’ve learned (through therapy and self-help books) is that I have the power to make decisions based on what I want out of my life. No, I don’t always know what I want, but this–my future apartment–is one of the few things I know exactly.

Excerpt from a journal entry I wrote TWO DAYS before my cousin’s contacted me:

“It should be in Lakeview, that’s where I want to live. Two bedrooms, and there must be a bay window somewhere. If no bay window, then one of those small sun-den type places. I just want a place to read. I would prefer the third floor of a building, but second or fourth will also do. The kitchen should be its own space, not shared with a dining room. In fact, a dining room isn’t even necessary because the kitchen will be big enough for a table.

My room will have a large closet. Maybe not quite a walk-in closet, but close. The second room will be a library, and have lots of light. The bathroom doesn’t have to be big, but it should look clean, and no crazy tile colors. Unless they’re purple, or light green. Or maybe light orange, but that’s it! The tiles can have moderately crazy colors.”

All that detail, literally two days before.

No where do I see myself living with four other people.

At no point do I want to have to mow the lawn (until I own my own house).

Rent is not factored in to my budget for at least another 6-8 months.

This isn’t what I want.

But what’s more? It’s okay to say no. It’s okay! Because if they are meant to get that house, they will find a fifth person, and they will get it. And if they don’t get it, that’s not my fault!

Yes, I miss the independence of living on my own, and my mom’s condo is not my ideal adulthood home. But it’s just not time for me to move out yet.

I’m taking adulthood at my own, Goldilocks pace. And that’s okay.

Adulting || Car Shopping

I bought a car! Well, more accurately I financed a car, and my mom gave me the down payment as my graduation gift.

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When my mom told me she was giving me a car for graduating college, I was super excited, but honestly I didnt really believe her. At that time, I didn’t have a job lined up, and therefore saw no need for a car. She had more faith in me than I did.

Then, I got a job in a suburb 20 miles from my house and BOOM. A car became necessary. My mom has driven a Toyota Corolla since I was 7, and I knew that’s what I wanted, too. That’s about all I knew, though.

Should I get new or used?

How much is a car?

How does financing work?

How soon do I have to get insurance?

What’s an average down payment?

Can I get a grad discount?

ALL OF THE QUESTIONS.

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So, I set aside a few hours and did a LOT of research. Roomie and my mom helped me out and gave me a couple starting points in terms of price and insurance stuff.

I knew I wanted a new 2016 Corolla, and I knew which dealership I wanted to go to. The first thing I did was look up the blue book value of my car, then I checked the dealership’s price. Lucky for me, the sticker price wasn’t THAT much more than the value. Plus (per Roomie’s suggestion) I checked Toyota’s website and saw they give rebates to recent graduates. *praise hands emoji*

The next thing I did was check two different financing services to see which would give me a better deal. A good deal has low to no interest rates, and doable (preferably low) monthly payments. The two places I checked were Capital One and Toyota Financial services.

My mom went through Capital One when she bought her car. Basically the way it works is you fill out their application, and if you’re pre-approved, they give you a check for a certain amount. You bring the check to an eligible dealer, buy your car, and make your monthly payments to Capital One. When I applied, I was denied. I assumed it was because I’ve only been at my job for a week, but they didn’t give me a reason.

That left me with Toyota Financial Services. (There are other places, but this was just the way I went.) This is the entity that creates those great deals you see in car commercials. “72 months for 0.9% APR!” The way these interest rates are determined has a lot to do with your credit. If you have a really high credit score, (my dealer said 750-800, but I’m sure it varies a bit) you automatically get 0% interest over 60 months or less. This means the price you agree to pay the day you buy your car is actually how much you’ll have paid when all is said and done 5 years later. Any interest rate above 0 means you are paying more at the end of your term. Thankfully, I have good credit, so 0% interest for me!

Next up was insurance. I’m not sure if this is true everywhere, but in Illinois, the law require that you have auto insurance before you drive your car off the lot. My mom told me to get a quote from Geico. It literally took 10 minutes, and if I had purchased right away, maybe 15. Those commercials are no joke.

Unfortunately, I didn’t purchase right away, but I was still able to do it quickly when I was at the dealership. Fun fact, even if you’re insured for a different car, your policy will cover the car you buy for up to three weeks (again, in Illinois), so you don’t have to get a new policy, or updates yours right away (but you should.) This is what I did. When I set up my insurance, it initially covered my mom’s car, because it’s registered to our home address, and that’s what popped up. It was an easy fix, though. I just called Geico the next day, removed her car, and added mine. (I could have also done this online, but I like to make sure everything is processed quickly and correctly.) My payment went up by like $30, but it wasn’t bad at all. The other option was to add another car and driver to my mom’s insurance, but we didn’t do that. No particular reason why.

Finally, after all of that, I had to go get my city sticker. Luckily, that was super easy. I just went to a currency exchange with my registration and bill of sale (and my driver’s license just in case), and asked for city sticker. The dealership takes care of the license plate and plate sticker when you get your car. And voila! My baby was ready to go!

A recap of some major steps and tips (a list!):

  • Do your research! What kind of car, cost, financing options, etc.? Also, factor in gas, maintenance, and anything costs you can think of. The responsibilities of a car do not end at the car note.
  • Make sure you have insurance!
  • Don’t say yes to everything the salesman offers you. I negotiated the price of an unnecessary, but awesome parts protection package from over $1000 to$300. (I didn’t talk about my actual experience in this department, but if you have questions feel free to ask!)
  • Make sure you have a city sticker and any other documentation necessary for your area.
  • It helps a lot if you have good credit.
  • Love your car!

Alright, that’s all for now, because I’m sleepy.

Goodnight my lovelies! I hope you’re all kicking ass at adulting. 😉

❤ Severn