Roo

I keep trying to write about you, and I keep failing. I don’t know what it is. I can’t seem to get the words right. I try to explain that… well that’s just it. I can’t explain it. My pen hangs in mid-air, refusing to connect my thoughts to the page, refusing to let my feelings out of their cage.

Maybe I’m afraid. Understand, I’ve been here before, twice, actually. Neither time ended particularly well, so I guess my hesitation makes sense. You see, the second I start to express these feelings on paper is the second they turn into romanticized… mush.

“And our portrait will be painted in the clouds so that everyone can dance in the strokes of our kisses and learn from the slightly off colors of our palette.”

I really wrote those words. I thought I was in love, and that, apparently, is quite inspiring. I wrote something like that almost every day during that time. It didn’t always make the most sense, but it sounded nice…

Anyway, I think that’s why I can’t really write about you, Roo. What I feel about us is simple: happy. We’re friends, and we grow closer everyday–I like that. Learning about you is somehow teaching me things about myself, too. I appreciate that–I appreciate you. And sure, I could come up with some similes and metaphors about how it feels to hold your hand, or make you laugh, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to turn you into an unrealistic fantasy. I think for once, I want to slow down. I just want to feel what I’m feeling for as long as I can feel it until keeping it to myself is no longer an option.

And then it will end.

And I’m okay with that, but for now? For now, just know that I like you. And while we will remain nothing more than friends, I hope that you like me, too.

How I’ve Been Handling Life

  • productive distractions like laundry, cleaning, writing
  • non-productive distractions like Netflix
  • talking to my mom and friends about my feelings
  • repeatedly telling myself to get my life together, making plans to do so, and failing at said plans, repeat
  • therapy (yay!)
  • shopping (yay!)
  • many imaginary conversations in my head, but mostly just overthinking the shit out of my life, feelings, and things I can’t control
  • trying (and failing) to not think about Beau
  • reminding myself to love myself
  • taking baby steps to figure out what a “normal” life is for me

Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster of sorts this month. There have been more lows than highs, but I’m still thankful, this day, and every other day, too.

I’m thankful for:

  • My job, my car, the roof over my head, the fact that I can buy food when I’m hungry.
  • My family, they are crazy and loud and dramatic but they are beautiful, loving, and hilarious, and I don’t know what I would do without them.
  • My friends, they are always there for me (and were especially great when I was broken up about being broken up with) and they remind me that life is what I make it, and that I should love myself.
  • Books, without them I would be restricted to my own reality.

My life is blessed, but on this day that celebrates all those years ago when the Natives’ land was stripped away from them, I can’t help but think about how unjust the founding of this country was. Add in the DAPL situation, and I just get even more upset.

SO.

This article has a few ways you can help out. I’ll be donating to the legal defense fund.

Happy Thanksgiving.

-Severn

Neo-Goddess

The other day my friend Nebula asked me what I want this blog to be, and I didn’t have an answer for her.

When I started it, it was because I needed a fresh start. I wanted it to be more positive, informative, and generally more useful than my last (super depressing) blog. It’s still largely personal–journal-based, if you will, but that’s not what I want. Clearly that’s not what I want because if that was working for me, I would write a lot more often.

There are a few different topics I would like to write about, but don’t because I’m afraid they won’t “go” with my theme. But if my theme is really just becoming a goddess, I should be able to do whatever I want. Goddesses have that power.

So I’ve decided to re-create Severn Goddess. I already have categories for sorting my posts, but I want to organize them a bit differently based on the things I want to write about.

These will include:

  • Mental/Spirital Health
  • Physical Health
  • Lifestyle
  • Adulthood/Adulting || career, work-life balance, and relationships)
  • Fiction and Non-Fiction writing  || Nebula mentioned she missed reading the “excerpts from the book I will write one day” from my old blog. I miss them, too.

So I guess the succinct answer is that I want my blog to be a reflection of my ideal life, while still staying true to the person I am now–a goddess in training (teehee “git”).

This idea has me really excited, guys! I can’t wait to share all these things with you!

Wish me luck ūüėÄ

‚̧ Severn

Update (A List!)

  • I still have not found a therapist, but I have also stopped looking. It didn’t feel as urgent as it used to, but the urgency has¬†slowly been creeping upward again.
  • I’m still learning some things at work, but for the most part it is BOR.ING.
  • I got a haircut, and I’m in love with it, even though it’s way shorter than I normally go.
  • My room is a mess, my socks don’t match, and I feel like I’m neglecting my mother (even though she says I’m not) because…
  • BEAU¬†AND I ARE DATING. I know I said I didn’t feel those relationship vibes with him, but turns out all we had to do was “turn it on” (his words not mine) and here we are! It’s only been a couple weeks, but it feels like we’ve been a couple forever because we were friends for so long before. Being with him is the most natural feeling in the world, and I’m happier than I have been in a¬†VERY long time.
  • I’m still trying to get the hang of the whole adulthood thing (does anyone ever really get it though?). I totally forgot about my first car payment, but luckily I remembered before I got charged a late fee.
  • Salsa classes are great, and it helps that Beau and I are the best ones there.
  • Bullet journaling is great! I’ll eventually share some of the spreads I’ve done and stuff on here, too.
  • Pursuing my architecture license has fallen from the top of my priority list, but I’m working on getting¬†it back up there.
  • I’ve resolved to stop making promises about posting on here more because life keeps taking me by surprise, and I don’t like to break promises. It makes me anxious.

Eventually you will hear more about:

  • My relationship with Beau (and what happened to Dapper)
  • My bible study (It’s amazing)
  • Adulthood
  • My bullet journal
  • My plans for the next year or so

Until next time, my lovelies!

‚̧ Severn

Thanks, but no thanks

Last night Wolf texted me about softball. I asked him about the schedule a month ago, and he JUST texted me, “We have 3 softball games left in the regular season, all on Wednesdays, if you’re still interested in picking up a bat.”

I just…

what confused idk huh adam scott

WHY would you wait until the end of the season?

WHY did you decide to text me instead of email me back since that’s how we were communicating?

WHY did you text me so randomly at night? Did something or someone remind you that I exist?

WHY DO I CARE?

So I replied, “The urge kind of went away, but Ill keep that in mind. Maybe I’ll stop by and say hi to everyone, though.”

I’m not going to stop by and say hi to everyone. Also, aside from writing this post, I’m not going to think about this interaction again. I could drive myself crazy speculating on the answers to those questions, but I won’t.

Instead, I’m going to get even more excited to go visit Dapper in precisely 16 days, 22 hours, and 50 minutes. (Yes, I have a countdown on my home screen right now.) Also, I’m going to sleep.

‚̧ Severn

 

My (Possibly Existent) Love Life

The Boy: Dapper

The Girl: Me (duh!)

Dapper is the boy I got close to my last semester of college. He’s got two years left, and he’s all the way in Pittsburgh. We have a pretty strong emotional connection, and he was majorly there for me during my depression. I’m going to visit him at the end of the month. Neither of us wants it to be a big deal, but I hate Pittsburgh, and I’m willing to go back for him. That’s a big deal. Any “real” relationship would be hard, and to be honest, I miss him, but I only feel connected when I’m with him. Otherwise, it’s just us being friendly and flirty. That’s not what I’m looking for–I need love.

What’s to be expected:

Lot’s of talking, lot’s of¬†not talking (if you catch my drift), and an awkward conversation about where–if anywhere–this thing we’re doing is going (initiated by me).

The Boy: Beau

The Girl: Really?

Beau and I went to college together, he graduated two years before me, though he’s only a year older than me. He and I are working on becoming best friends.¬†It’s actually not a hard task at all. We always have fun when we hang out together, we never run out of things to talk about. We know a lot about each other, and things just flow naturally. Plus he’s super attractive (and I’m¬†obviously gorgeous, too). But I don’t exactly feel that… relationship vibe with him. Maybe it’s because we’re trying to be best friends? Maybe we’ve already known each other too long, and the friendzones have become permanent? I don’t know, but I do know that the only reason this idea is even in my head is because every time I mention him to someone (or they see us together), they ask if we’re dating. Is it something we’re putting out there? Sigh.

What’s to be expected: Absolutely nothing.

The Boy: Wolf

The Girl: The silly child (A.K.A. Me)

Wolf is this guy I used to work with. I had a ginormous crush on him, and he had a girlfriend. (For the record, I didn’t know that/don’t think they were dating when my crush first started.) My parenthetical comment does not excuse this next part: we totally hooked up. Once, we made out, and the second time we *attempted* to do a lot more. It didn’t really work out that way (thank you and I hate you, Alcy dearest). Anyway, I haven’t actually seen or spoken to him (since I asked about softball last month), but I still think about him¬†all the time. Why? I don’t know! I don’t even really know the guy, except for a few small things, and the fact that I got him to cheat on his girlfriend.

*brain flashes big ass lit sign that says STAY AWAY in front my eyes*

But alas, I fantasize about him often. I can’t explain it, but I will admit that I don’t actively shoo the thoughts away. I should probably work on that. Anywho, he shouldn’t even be on this list, but I can’t help it! So I let it out through here.

What’s to be expected: Less than nothing.

I feel only slightly better, but meh. I can at least go to sleep now.

“Are we cool?”

I’ve been ridiculously happy for the past two weeks. The combination of graduating from college, employment, getting a car, being in my glorious city, and cleansing my living space has done wonders for me.

It’s funny how the good feelings from all of that can vanish so quickly. I know I’ll probably be happy again in the morning, but right now I just feel alone, and small.

About half an hour ago, Tiger asked me if we were still cool. And I told him that I wanted to say yes, but I wasn’t sure. The reality is twofold:

  1. If you have to ask somebody if you’re still cool with each other, the answer is probably no and
  2. If it’s not a yes, it’s a no. There is no other acceptable answer.

Who wants to be friends with someone who is “sort of” or “kinda” cool with them? Nobody. Nobody should be okay with that. And because I am the way I am, I started to feel guilty about the fact that my answer wasn’t yes. But if you look at the facts, there is no mentally healthy reason I should be friends with Tiger. We are not good for each other, and deep down, we both know this, but we can’t seem to just let it go. Even now, in my gloriously happy, self-aware state (okay not right this second, but you catch my drift), I don’t want to just let it go. I want to say, “Yes, Tiger, we’re cool,” and be done with it.

Somehow my conversations with him always leave me feeling lonely, too. It doesn’t matter what we talk about, or how short the talk¬†is. Why does he have this power over me? Why is it so hard for me to take that power back? The logical part of my brain can easily list the reasons we would never work romantically or otherwise, but the second his name pops up on my screen, or I hear his voice, or (God-forbid)¬†smell¬†him? There is no more logic.

I convince myself that there is no harm in being friends with him. And sometimes I’m a bit short with him, but I never cut him off completely. It’s unfair to both of us. I need to let it–him–go, but I don’t know how. He said if I ever want to talk to him about my exact feelings, he’ll be there. I think that’s part of the problem, I know he’s always there.

I can’t talk about this anymore.

(My) Favorite Shows to Binge Watch

My last few posts have been a little on the serious side, so here is something to break the streak!

*SOME SPOILERS* (but also most of these shows are all hella old and no longer making new episodes, so get with the times y’all.)

1. Friends | Definitely my favorite show of all time. It was my mom’s favorite show as I was growing up, so I used to watch it with her all the time. Watching it again (and again and again) as an adult just made me love it even more! It’s hilarious, relatable (mostly), and has the perfect amount of drama. The short episodes make it the perfect show to fill the gaps between classes, while cooking, or on a short commute. Sidenote: I bawl my eyes out every time I watch the last episode even though I’ve seen it a million times.

2.¬†Gilmore Girls | I absolutely love this show for so many reasons. It’s definitely a very close second behind Friends for my favorite. Aside from the brilliant script, acting, and set, I appreciate GG so much because my mother and I ARE the Gilmore Girls. I feel like a lot of mother-daughter pairs say that, but I’m serious. There are eerie parallels in the story lines of Lorelai and Rory and Mommy and me. (Though I must admit, for the record, when I was younger my mom was convinced we were them, but I disagreed. I agree now, but that’s also because it’s actually true now!) Sidenote: I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE REBOOT!

3. One Tree Hill | It’s just so deliciously dramatic. The viewer totally gets sucked into the story lines of each character, even after Luke and Peyton peace out. There’s drama, comedy, suspense, nudity. (Wait, is there nudity? It was on the WB/CW, so probably not.) Plus,¬†who doesn’t want to watch Nathan and Haley fall in love and¬†stay that way? I’m holding out for my Nathan.

4. House | I learned so many medical terms from this show. I was actually able to use one of them once, though for the life of me I don’t remember which one it was. House is yet another drama, but Hugh’s¬†dry, sarcastic wit is literally my favorite type of humor. And I really enjoy that he’s such an asshole, because quite frankly, I am often an asshole, so I can relate. Also, the format of having a new case each episode keeps the viewer interested.

5.¬†Family Guy | So bad it’s good. I personally find Family Guy to be hilarious, and I love watching it. Yet another good way to kill time, and I never feel bad about falling asleep and missing episodes because it’s just Family Guy, haha. Sidenote/Fun Fact: Family Guy has made fun of at least three¬†of the above shows. And even though I love all these shows, they were pretty accurate critiques, haha. Links:¬†OTH¬†House¬†(I can’t find a video of the GG scene, but basically they talk a mile a minute and down some coffee.)

‘Tis all for now, lovelies. I’ll be back tomorrow.

‚̧ Severn

My Life 4/14-4/18 (Some Lists!)

Things I didn’t do:

  • Post Thursday
  • Post Friday
  • Write in my journal
  • Homework

Things I did do:

  • Hung¬†out with friends
  • Got¬†a pleasant amount of drunk (2 of the last 4 days)
  • Watched my team win third place in the races
  • Partied
  • Slept
  • Therapy

Things that went wrong or are now wrong:

  • I was ready to fight this girl who hates me because she came into my house like she was welcome there (even though fighting is NOT me at all… like I can get really angry, but fighting is so immature)
  • I made a dumb drunk decision that I wish I could take back, but can’t, so instead am trying not to dwell on it or hate myself
  • My phone won’t turn on, and I think it might have something to do with the fact that the battery can’t hold a decent charge

Things I did not expect to happen, but did:

  • I talked to Shoelaces for a sustained period of time (while drunk, which he hates) and didn’t spontaneously combust or feel weird about it
  • That drunken decision I made that I’m trying not to think about
  • I went to a very college-y party in a park where there was a giant homemade slip-n-slide, half-naked drunk people everywhere, club music, and that oh so disgusting Natty Light *vomits* (we didn’t drink that crap, we brought our own stuffs)
  • I made a new friend
  • I wore a crop top almost everyday

Things I now have to do to get my life together:

  • My psych project poster, presentation, and paper
  • My history presentation and paper
  • My studio project drawings and such
  • Grade assignments for the class I TA
  • Laundry
  • Groceries
  • Buy a new battery for my phone and/or go to my service provider
  • Have a serious talk with someone important in my life because I feel like our relationship is basically bullshit.
  • Cry a little bit because even though I have a plan for after graduation, and my bank account has more than the $5 dollars it had 5 days ago, I still feel like a total failure and like I have no idea what to do with my life let alone my daily tasks

Maybe I’ll start the crying a little early today.