Roo

I keep trying to write about you, and I keep failing. I don’t know what it is. I can’t seem to get the words right. I try to explain that… well that’s just it. I can’t explain it. My pen hangs in mid-air, refusing to connect my thoughts to the page, refusing to let my feelings out of their cage.

Maybe I’m afraid. Understand, I’ve been here before, twice, actually. Neither time ended particularly well, so I guess my hesitation makes sense. You see, the second I start to express these feelings on paper is the second they turn into romanticized… mush.

“And our portrait will be painted in the clouds so that everyone can dance in the strokes of our kisses and learn from the slightly off colors of our palette.”

I really wrote those words. I thought I was in love, and that, apparently, is quite inspiring. I wrote something like that almost every day during that time. It didn’t always make the most sense, but it sounded nice…

Anyway, I think that’s why I can’t really write about you, Roo. What I feel about us is simple: happy. We’re friends, and we grow closer everyday–I like that. Learning about you is somehow teaching me things about myself, too. I appreciate that–I appreciate you. And sure, I could come up with some similes and metaphors about how it feels to hold your hand, or make you laugh, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to turn you into an unrealistic fantasy. I think for once, I want to slow down. I just want to feel what I’m feeling for as long as I can feel it until keeping it to myself is no longer an option.

And then it will end.

And I’m okay with that, but for now? For now, just know that I like you. And while we will remain nothing more than friends, I hope that you like me, too.

Dapper

Alright y’all, here’s what happened with Dapper:

I fell for Beau.

Things were fine and dandy with Dapper, I was going to visit him in Pittsburgh, even, but Beau and I had that night, and we talked for hours, and we kissed. And I was still going to see Dapper–I mean I told Beau about the trip (he already knew about Dapper because we were friends and I told him everything), but I was so stressed about it!

If I went to Pittsburgh, things were sure to happen, and when would I tell Dapper that whatever we had was over? That I met someone I actually see a future with? I didn’t want to wait two whole weeks to officially start dating Beau, and I knew the weekend would’ve been tainted with my guilt. So I asked Dapper to call me when he got a chance, and told him that I met someone, and I didn’t think it was a good idea to go visit anymore.

And of course, like any other time I’ve freaked out and finally told Dapper anything serious or nerve-wracking (for me), he said, “Okay. Thanks for letting me know. I’m glad you’re doing adult woman things like dating and living.”

Like it wasn’t a big deal.

Like it was okay to put myself and my feelings first.

Like talking to someone I care about–who cares about me– about my feelings isn’t a big deal.

And that was the last thing–the last time–Dapper taught me. I do still feel like he was practice, like he was an important step I had to take before removing my relationship training wheels.

And it really has helped! Boy do I still hate confrontation of any kind, but I’m okay expressing my feelings (good, bad, or in-between) to Beau because I have more faith in the fact that my feelings and thoughts are valid. And that if I need to talk about something, Beau will listen and be accepting.

He is those things: a good listener, patient, accepting. And he cares about me. Deeply, as I do about him. It’s insane to me that we’ve only been dating for a month. Feels more like a year.

Anyway, so that’s what happened with Dapper. We cared about each other, he taught me things, we ended. We still talk occasionally, but just as friends, just to catch up.

Beau has my heart now. Dapper is another finished chapter in the saga of Severn. A good one, but through.

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P.S. The bowtie in the featured image is from this website. They’re so cool!

Update (A List!)

  • I still have not found a therapist, but I have also stopped looking. It didn’t feel as urgent as it used to, but the urgency has slowly been creeping upward again.
  • I’m still learning some things at work, but for the most part it is BOR.ING.
  • I got a haircut, and I’m in love with it, even though it’s way shorter than I normally go.
  • My room is a mess, my socks don’t match, and I feel like I’m neglecting my mother (even though she says I’m not) because…
  • BEAU AND I ARE DATING. I know I said I didn’t feel those relationship vibes with him, but turns out all we had to do was “turn it on” (his words not mine) and here we are! It’s only been a couple weeks, but it feels like we’ve been a couple forever because we were friends for so long before. Being with him is the most natural feeling in the world, and I’m happier than I have been in a VERY long time.
  • I’m still trying to get the hang of the whole adulthood thing (does anyone ever really get it though?). I totally forgot about my first car payment, but luckily I remembered before I got charged a late fee.
  • Salsa classes are great, and it helps that Beau and I are the best ones there.
  • Bullet journaling is great! I’ll eventually share some of the spreads I’ve done and stuff on here, too.
  • Pursuing my architecture license has fallen from the top of my priority list, but I’m working on getting it back up there.
  • I’ve resolved to stop making promises about posting on here more because life keeps taking me by surprise, and I don’t like to break promises. It makes me anxious.

Eventually you will hear more about:

  • My relationship with Beau (and what happened to Dapper)
  • My bible study (It’s amazing)
  • Adulthood
  • My bullet journal
  • My plans for the next year or so

Until next time, my lovelies!

❤ Severn

Why I Hate Depression

The familiar feeling of numbness is back. What a strange phrase: feeling numb. There are a lot of things that make me feel better: working out, hanging out/drinking with my friends, eating food I know is bad for me, but those are short-lived reliefs.

What I hate the most, though, is how it effects my mother. I have this idea deep down that my depression makes her feel like a failure. It makes me feel guilty, but also just sad.

My mother is not a failure. She is strong and has taught me so much about life and how to be as a person. I talked to her about it last week–I told her I didn’t blame her in any way for my depression. I told her I think she sees how I am and she feels the need to fix me–how could she not, she’s my mother–and when she can’t I can see the hurt and disappointment. I can tell she feels responsible for the unhappy person before her, and that breaks my heart.

To make sure she knew I was telling the truth when I said I didn’t blame her for my depression, I told her that I’ll admit her and my father played a large role in the development of some of my other issues, but not this.

I know that recovering from this is something I have to do for myself, but I also want to do it for her. Because just as I deserve to be happy and the best version of myself, she deserves to feel successful as a mother. I want that for her.

Yes, it puts a little more pressure on me, but I’m okay with it. It’s vaguely positive pressure. Vaguely positive is as good as I can ask for at the moment.

My (Possibly Existent) Love Life

The Boy: Dapper

The Girl: Me (duh!)

Dapper is the boy I got close to my last semester of college. He’s got two years left, and he’s all the way in Pittsburgh. We have a pretty strong emotional connection, and he was majorly there for me during my depression. I’m going to visit him at the end of the month. Neither of us wants it to be a big deal, but I hate Pittsburgh, and I’m willing to go back for him. That’s a big deal. Any “real” relationship would be hard, and to be honest, I miss him, but I only feel connected when I’m with him. Otherwise, it’s just us being friendly and flirty. That’s not what I’m looking for–I need love.

What’s to be expected:

Lot’s of talking, lot’s of not talking (if you catch my drift), and an awkward conversation about where–if anywhere–this thing we’re doing is going (initiated by me).

The Boy: Beau

The Girl: Really?

Beau and I went to college together, he graduated two years before me, though he’s only a year older than me. He and I are working on becoming best friends. It’s actually not a hard task at all. We always have fun when we hang out together, we never run out of things to talk about. We know a lot about each other, and things just flow naturally. Plus he’s super attractive (and I’m obviously gorgeous, too). But I don’t exactly feel that… relationship vibe with him. Maybe it’s because we’re trying to be best friends? Maybe we’ve already known each other too long, and the friendzones have become permanent? I don’t know, but I do know that the only reason this idea is even in my head is because every time I mention him to someone (or they see us together), they ask if we’re dating. Is it something we’re putting out there? Sigh.

What’s to be expected: Absolutely nothing.

The Boy: Wolf

The Girl: The silly child (A.K.A. Me)

Wolf is this guy I used to work with. I had a ginormous crush on him, and he had a girlfriend. (For the record, I didn’t know that/don’t think they were dating when my crush first started.) My parenthetical comment does not excuse this next part: we totally hooked up. Once, we made out, and the second time we *attempted* to do a lot more. It didn’t really work out that way (thank you and I hate you, Alcy dearest). Anyway, I haven’t actually seen or spoken to him (since I asked about softball last month), but I still think about him all the time. Why? I don’t know! I don’t even really know the guy, except for a few small things, and the fact that I got him to cheat on his girlfriend.

*brain flashes big ass lit sign that says STAY AWAY in front my eyes*

But alas, I fantasize about him often. I can’t explain it, but I will admit that I don’t actively shoo the thoughts away. I should probably work on that. Anywho, he shouldn’t even be on this list, but I can’t help it! So I let it out through here.

What’s to be expected: Less than nothing.

I feel only slightly better, but meh. I can at least go to sleep now.

I’m Important

I normally try to keep the specifics of my problems with people in my life vague when I write them on here. That’s pretty much impossible in this case. Well, maybe it’s not. Let me try harder.

An important person in my life is basically purposefully neglecting me on a day we should be spending together. To be fair, he said we would spend some time together soon after this day, but still.

Sidenote: I can think of two situations this scenario can apply to. Vague enough for me.

How his decision makes me feel:

  • unimportant
  • like an afterthought
  • second-rate
  • neglected
  • like I’m not “worthy” of his time or love

I was very close to crying when he told me.

I told my mom about it–showed her the message, and of course she got upset. As soon as that happened, I was able to calm down. My mother’s anger doesn’t make me happy, but it’s so much easier to be strong for someone else than it is to be strong for myself.

That’s not ideal, but it’s where I am. I calmed her down by listing all the reasons this is actually a good thing. They felt like cheap attempts at neutrality, but they managed to convince her that I wasn’t as hurt as I was. And that made me feel better. Or more in control, at least.

I still haven’t done my therapist research yet, but once I find her I’m going to have a lot to tell her. (My friend Janie is going to refer me to her old therapist who will then refer me to people she thinks will help me!) Hopefully she can help me work through it all. In the meantime, I’m going to try and not let his decision dictate my feelings about myself. There’s also a few things my last therapist, Bristle, taught/told me that I think I would do well to remember:

  • My expectations of him others should be realistic so I don’t get too hurt or surprised (when things like this happen). People are only capable of what they are capable of.
  • My feelings are important. I shouldn’t feel guilty about any of the behavior I’ve exhibited that may have lead to his decision. I was doing what’s best for me, as he is probably also trying to do.
  • It’s okay to feel. Don’t run away from my feelings.

Also, I think if I were to tell her about this occurrence, she would ask me why I didn’t tell him how I felt. I know that I probably should have, but that seems so much more complicated. (This is why I need a therapist.)

Anywho. *Deep Breath*

Wish me luck with quest for a therapist!

-Severn

Don’t touch the Wolf

Yesterday was not a very good day for me mentally. This was true on multiple levels, but the only thing I sort of wish I could take back about yesterday was the email I sent to Wolf.

Yesterday morning, after my water bottle opened in my bag and spilled all over my journal, and after a few hours of riveting construction documents, I decided I needed to do something. I’ve recently decided that part of my problem is that I don’t have many things going on outside of work (yet), and I’m afraid of becoming generally lethargic.

The obvious solution to this problem is to get something to do outside of work, yes? Yes. My strategy?

Subject: Random hello and a list!

Hello!

1. I hope you’re doing well and enjoying being a capital ‘A’ architect.
2. I wonder if being a capital ‘A’ architect actually really changes anything?
3. My new firm has 6 people and a dog. It’s… different.
4. Is summer softball still a thing? I think I need some softball in my life.
Also, this:
Chill, right? It’s me being my quirky self without being flirty, or talking about anything inappropriate (like I used to do ALL THE TIME). And I was legitimately trying to find out the softball schedule! (Okay, like 90% trying to find out the schedule, 10% just trying to remind him that I exist.)
But he didn’t answer.
And I sort of freaked out. Sort of.
THEN later he liked my #tbt post on Instagram. (Yeah, I know, I’m a 12 year old, let’s move on.)  Then I actually freaked out. Like enough to DM him. “Hi! Did you get my email earlier by chance?” And then after a minute of staring at that message, I freaked out further, and clicked “Unsend message” before he could see it. (Thank goodness IG has that option.)
Am I officially crazy yet?

Yes, but here’s why: He responded to my unsent message with “I didn’t even know you could send messages on Instagram.” to which I replied, “Yeah, it’s a thing.” Then, “is softball still a thing?” Then, “Sidenote: I didn’t think you saw my first message because I unsent it. [*straight mouth emoji*]”

Why am I so socially awkward?

Anyway, I made it a rule for myself a few weeks ago to not have any sort of relations with unavailable men. I think that also means friendships. Especially with someone I already have a history with. I should just let him be happy with his stupid really annoyingly cool girlfriend.
Note to self: DON’T TOUCH THE WOLF.

Almost Falling

Today after work my mom took me for burgers at this great place near our house. Aside from the delicious food, we had a great conversation.

It started with me stumbling over almost every sentence out of my mouth. (“I can’t speak words!”) When she asked why not, I said it was because I spend the majority of my day not talking. That got us on the topic of the culture at my job, what I like and don’t like about work, the communication styles of the people in my office, etc. I didn’t want to admit it, but I’m not a fan.

It feels like I’m not allowed to not like my job. And I mean, I’m sure there are various reasons I feel like this: I’ve only been there two weeks, so I don’t have a true idea of what it’s like; my desk isn’t ready yet, so (as my mom pointed out) not having my own space is taking its toll; I’m lucky/blessed to even have a job.

It’s not just my job, though. I just don’t feel… happy, I guess. My mom pointed out that there are so many new things going on my life–no more school, I got a car that I drive to and from work everyday, I have a permanent job (even if I don’t have my permanent desk, yet)–and it’s normal for me to feel a bit lost. She wants me to take charge of my life because “You shouldn’t be old and bitter at such a young age!”

I know that she’s right.

But.

I feel myself almost falling.

Today my eyes flicked to the time on my computer screen every five minutes until it was time to go.

I didn’t even attempt to pack my gym bag in case I had time to go after work.

I was going to cook dinner today, but the thought of it exhausted me.

I find myself wanting to keep my feelings inside because it’s just easier that way.

But easier for who? I obviously don’t want to worry my mom. She’s already sort of there, but no need to make it worse, right? What I really need is another therapist. I didn’t realize how much I was missing Bristle (and therapy in general) until this conversation today. After a rant, I said, “I feel like I’m talking a lot, sorry.” And my mother replied, “That’s okay, I think you need to talk!”

She’s right.

I think I might need a little more than just talking, like a routine, and general purpose/things that make me happy in my life, but talking is a start. My insurance doesn’t kick in for another 2.5 months, but I think I might look for a new therapist anyway. I can pay out of pocket for the first few sessions until I’m covered.

When I started writing this post, I planned to make it positive, with a lesson about growing into your adulthood, but really I just convinced myself that I’m not actually okay.

Hopefully I will be soon.

The Problem

Have you ever done something you knew was wrong? Have you ever done it twice?

Something about her made guys not seem to care that they were in relationships. Something about their willingness to do away with their morals made her feel special.

She switched back and forth between blaming them and blaming herself. More often than not, she concluded that she was the problem.