I’ve Been Life-Coached

I kind of got life-coached by Beau yesterday. (Yeah, we’re friends again.)

I know it’s been a while y’all, but I’m back, for now, and a little all over the place, which I’m sure you’ll see in this post. This is actually one of the things we talked about–why I haven’t blogged in so long. The answer is the same reason I haven’t moved forward in most any of the other areas in my life:

I’m afraid. 

Of what? Failure, mostly. I’m afraid of failing myself, of letting my family down by not reaching the potential they believe I have. I’m afraid that nobody cares about what I have to say, or about the experiences I’ve had.  I’m afraid that what I say I want to do isn’t actually what I want to do. I’m afraid that if I’m vulnerable on here like I was on my last blog, I’ll hurt somebody again. 

I’m sick of it. 

I’m sick of holding myself back, of dulling my light, and dialing back my feelings for the sake of others. I’m tired of trying to fit myself into this box that I constructed for myself when I was 12 years old. 

Architecture is great, but I don’t want to do it for the rest of my life.

I love my family, but I can’t let them continue to influence my decisions or how I feel about where I am in life. 

I want to write, and I can’t let my limiting beliefs stop me from doing that, from doing the one thing that makes me happiest. 

I’ve been in a pretty good place lately, stable, I guess. But, after my conversation with Beau yesterday, I realized just how much I’m suppressing. And it’s scaring me. I’m actually fighting back tears as I write this. 

On a slightly different note:

When Beau and I broke up, I had a feeling our story wasn’t over. I didn’t know what shape any future friendship/relationship would really take, but I knew there would be something. I still love him, I don’t think that’ll ever go away, but what I’m realizing now is more importantly: I still have more to learn from him. I don’t know if he’s learning anything from me, whether it’s about life, himself, or whatever, but he’s helped me.

What we established yesterday was that my fear of failure and everything that comes with it–disappointment, a sense of loss, a hit to my self-confidence–has paralyzed me. I’ve had this thought before, a long time ago, when I was super confused about my life, but it hadn’t occurred to me recently. When Beau said it, it felt like time stopped for a split second. A thud sounded in my head as my happily “stable” mind fell from the tightrope on which it was precariously perched. 

I’m paralyzed. 

My theme for 2017 was self-love. I’ve achieved that. I know I’m hard on myself, but especially after this year, I can honestly say that I love myself. I know that I’m worthy of love, that even though I make mistakes I’m still an amazing person with wonderful qualities. I don’t really need validation from other people (though it’s nice to get it sometimes). I accept myself for who I am while acknowledging that I can be better. I love me as I am, I love me for who I can be. I am enough. 

For 2018, my theme is Level-Up, because that’s what I plan to do in every aspect of life. No more paralysis, but movement. Hopefully forward and upward movement, but I acknowledge that life doesn’t always work that way, and there will be plenty of setbacks as well.  The point is that I’m ready. And I have every intention of gaining more clarity, direction, and overall satisfaction with my life. I plan to flourish. 

Until next time,

❤ Severn

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Who Am I?

Sometimes I feel like I don’t do enough. I work, I hang out with my boyfriend, I spend time with my mom, and that’s pretty much it. I think I tell myself that there’s little time for anything else, but that’s just not true. I could do things after work, I don’t have to spend my Saturday days with my mom, but that’s what happens.

The guilt of not spending enough time with her shapes my weekly schedule. Know who else I don’t see? The rest of my family. I can’t remember the last time I saw Mom, Grandma has all but given up the idea of seeing me ever. And I do feel bad, but apparently not bad enough to change anything.

It seriously makes me question myself as a person. Like, I’m not being a good granddaughter, but at a larger scale, I’m neglecting people who care about me, so overall I’m not a good person.

That struggle to figure out who we are? Does that ever stop? I’d like to think that at some point I’ll know, but it just doesn’t seem possible. How can anyone truly know who they are? Especially because we are constantly evolving beings. Or maybe we’re not actually.

There are two schools of thought, right? People are who they are at their core (and can’t change), or people can change. I don’t really know which one I believe. I can’t think of any instances where a person really, truly, changed who they were, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. I think believing one way or the other goes hand in hand with what one thinks about humanity, and whether we’re born with inherent traits. Like the question “Are people inherently good or bad?” Who the fuck knows?! And more importantly, who the fuck cares?!

There is probably not one single person alive who remains untouched, unshaped by the world. Whether we were born good or bad, that’s covered now, by the things we learn as we live our lives. We’re influenced by what we learn in school, by TV, even by our day to day interactions with other humans. It’s so hard to find who we are and to stay true to that person because in just living our lives we are bombarded with things that are “other.” These things just aren’t a part of us, and so become other, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t strong enough to cloud what we think of ourselves and how we act.

I don’t know who I am. I know what things I like to do, what I believe in, how I prefer to interact with people, but that’s not who I am, that’s how I am. Maybe I’ll never know.

 


Featured image source: http://risenmonk.com/?p=156

Book Review || The Defining Decade

Last December, I read this book:

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Ignore my blurry finger, sorry.

And aside from it being nice to read because it was so well-written, I learned new things!

Dr. Meg Jay is a therapist who works with a wide array of ages, but takes particular interest in twentysomethings. She wrote this book for us because client after client came in and made it clear to her that we as a cohort need direction. We are constantly told that our 20’s are when we should travel and just live. While not all of these articles give bad avice, we must acknolwedge that we can’t just have fun and find ourselves. Not for a full ten years, at least.

These are the years we should be using to build a foundation for the rest of our lives! So because I found this book to be so very helpful, and because I want to make sure as many of my peers as possible have access to (at least some of) the lessons in Dr. Jay’s book, I have decided to make a list of the ideas I found most helpful.

Identity capital

Identity capital is “our collection of personal assets…these are the investments we make in ourselves, the things we do well enough, or long enough, that they become a part of who we are.” This capital can be professional, or personal, but all of it is useful. It creates the building blocks of our identity! While building capital falls under the category of finding ourselves, it is important to acknowledge that in our time of exploration, we have to have the courage to make commitments. We have to decide which parts of ourselves we want to nurture, and what to seek if we’re not personally fulfilled. Examples of identity capital: a job where you learn a lot and gain experience, like counseling a camp for juvenile delinquents (like Dr. Jay did), or the way you are well put together every single day.

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The strength of weak ties

Dr. Jay defines weak ties as “the people we have met, or are connected to somehow, but do not currently know well.” She says that we often find the best connections and opportunities through these people. The opposite of weak ties are the people who make up your “urban tribe.” Your tribe is the group of people in your life that form your main support network, people like your mom or best friend. While your tribe is great for getting rides and bringing you soup when you’re sick, the weak ties are the one’s likely to affect great change in your life. Know what that means? Networking!

People like to feel useful, and to think of themselves as kind, so chances are if you ask someone for a favor, they’ll do it. Example: “I got your contact information from my neighbor; she told me you work for an architecture firm. Would you mind passing along my resume and portfolio to your boss? I’d really appreciate the help!” That literally happened, and then I got an interview. I didn’t end up getting the job, but it was still a helpful and successful interaction. The worst they can do is say no. And in that case, just try not to take it personally, and move on.

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Confidence is built from the outside in

Right away this seems like the opposite of what I’ve heard most of my life (aside from “fake it till you make it”). Personally, I have sometimes found it hard to be confident when there is so much concrete evidence of why I’m not good enough. Because of this I found it easy not only to believe Dr. Jay, but to understand her. She says, “People feel less anxious–and more confident–on the inside when they can point to things they have done well on the outside. Fake confidence comes from stuffing self-doubt. Empty confidence comes from parental platitudes on our lunch hour. Real confidence comes from mastery experiences, which are actual, lived moments of success, especially when things seem difficult.”

This makes so much sense! According to Dr. Jay, the way our brain processes things at this point in our lives makes us focus heavily on negative experiences. We have to try harder to focus on the things we do correctly, and essentially build a case for why we’re awesome. Eventually, we won’t have to try so hard to convince ourselves of this fact.

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Notice how this list isn’t that long. There are a number of things Dr. Jay mentions that I have left out. These are just a few of the bits I found most helpful to me in my current stage of life. I’m 23, looking for a job, and just trying to figure out (and be comfortable with) who the hell I am and how I should go about getting to where I want to be in life.

Thanks for reading! Now go buy that book 😉