My (Possibly Existent) Love Life

The Boy: Dapper

The Girl: Me (duh!)

Dapper is the boy I got close to my last semester of college. He’s got two years left, and he’s all the way in Pittsburgh. We have a pretty strong emotional connection, and he was majorly there for me during my depression. I’m going to visit him at the end of the month. Neither of us wants it to be a big deal, but I hate Pittsburgh, and I’m willing to go back for him. That’s a big deal. Any “real” relationship would be hard, and to be honest, I miss him, but I only feel connected when I’m with him. Otherwise, it’s just us being friendly and flirty. That’s not what I’m looking for–I need love.

What’s to be expected:

Lot’s of talking, lot’s of not talking (if you catch my drift), and an awkward conversation about where–if anywhere–this thing we’re doing is going (initiated by me).

The Boy: Beau

The Girl: Really?

Beau and I went to college together, he graduated two years before me, though he’s only a year older than me. He and I are working on becoming best friends. It’s actually not a hard task at all. We always have fun when we hang out together, we never run out of things to talk about. We know a lot about each other, and things just flow naturally. Plus he’s super attractive (and I’m obviously gorgeous, too). But I don’t exactly feel that… relationship vibe with him. Maybe it’s because we’re trying to be best friends? Maybe we’ve already known each other too long, and the friendzones have become permanent? I don’t know, but I do know that the only reason this idea is even in my head is because every time I mention him to someone (or they see us together), they ask if we’re dating. Is it something we’re putting out there? Sigh.

What’s to be expected: Absolutely nothing.

The Boy: Wolf

The Girl: The silly child (A.K.A. Me)

Wolf is this guy I used to work with. I had a ginormous crush on him, and he had a girlfriend. (For the record, I didn’t know that/don’t think they were dating when my crush first started.) My parenthetical comment does not excuse this next part: we totally hooked up. Once, we made out, and the second time we *attempted* to do a lot more. It didn’t really work out that way (thank you and I hate you, Alcy dearest). Anyway, I haven’t actually seen or spoken to him (since I asked about softball last month), but I still think about him all the time. Why? I don’t know! I don’t even really know the guy, except for a few small things, and the fact that I got him to cheat on his girlfriend.

*brain flashes big ass lit sign that says STAY AWAY in front my eyes*

But alas, I fantasize about him often. I can’t explain it, but I will admit that I don’t actively shoo the thoughts away. I should probably work on that. Anywho, he shouldn’t even be on this list, but I can’t help it! So I let it out through here.

What’s to be expected: Less than nothing.

I feel only slightly better, but meh. I can at least go to sleep now.

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My Life 4/14-4/18 (Some Lists!)

Things I didn’t do:

  • Post Thursday
  • Post Friday
  • Write in my journal
  • Homework

Things I did do:

  • Hung out with friends
  • Got a pleasant amount of drunk (2 of the last 4 days)
  • Watched my team win third place in the races
  • Partied
  • Slept
  • Therapy

Things that went wrong or are now wrong:

  • I was ready to fight this girl who hates me because she came into my house like she was welcome there (even though fighting is NOT me at all… like I can get really angry, but fighting is so immature)
  • I made a dumb drunk decision that I wish I could take back, but can’t, so instead am trying not to dwell on it or hate myself
  • My phone won’t turn on, and I think it might have something to do with the fact that the battery can’t hold a decent charge

Things I did not expect to happen, but did:

  • I talked to Shoelaces for a sustained period of time (while drunk, which he hates) and didn’t spontaneously combust or feel weird about it
  • That drunken decision I made that I’m trying not to think about
  • I went to a very college-y party in a park where there was a giant homemade slip-n-slide, half-naked drunk people everywhere, club music, and that oh so disgusting Natty Light *vomits* (we didn’t drink that crap, we brought our own stuffs)
  • I made a new friend
  • I wore a crop top almost everyday

Things I now have to do to get my life together:

  • My psych project poster, presentation, and paper
  • My history presentation and paper
  • My studio project drawings and such
  • Grade assignments for the class I TA
  • Laundry
  • Groceries
  • Buy a new battery for my phone and/or go to my service provider
  • Have a serious talk with someone important in my life because I feel like our relationship is basically bullshit.
  • Cry a little bit because even though I have a plan for after graduation, and my bank account has more than the $5 dollars it had 5 days ago, I still feel like a total failure and like I have no idea what to do with my life let alone my daily tasks

Maybe I’ll start the crying a little early today.

The Small Things

This morning, I woke up and went for a run. When I got back home, I made myself some quinoa and scrambled eggs, and worked abs while they cooked. After breakfast and doing the dishes, I went to my room, turned on some music, and just danced.

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I can’t remember the last time I happily danced around my room. It’s such a small thing, but when I think about it, it’s something I stopped doing a few years ago.

Non-clinical depression is very different from clinical depression. I’m definitely no expert, but I have a basic understanding that NC depression is a result of painful life circumstances and some health issues, and clinical depression has to do with chemical imbalances in a person’s brain. I read that if the stressors causing NC depression go unaddressed for too long, imbalances can develop.

I started going to therapy last September, and it’s pretty much the best mental health decision I’ve ever made. I’ve learned so much about myself and my relationships with–well my relationships with most things in my life! Last week I was able to finally address (outside of therapy) the biggest thing that was contributing to my depression. That thing is by no means fixed, but I’m working on it! That fact alone makes me less susceptible to the thoughts that plagued me before.

Most days I would walk around either angry, sad, or numb. Feelings of inadequacy, isolation, and self-doubt swirled around in my head no matter what I was doing.

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What’s worse is I had zero energy to fight those feelings. There were days I just laid in bed for hours, not even interacting with my roommate. It was really hard to focus on my schoolwork, and neither dancing, nor reading (activities I have thoroughly enjoyed my entire life) could make me feel better.

Now, after finally confronting the strife in my life (teehee that rhymed), I can find joy in the small things again. I still get angry and sad, but not obsessively so. I’m still able to go about my day and get things done. When I do procrastinate, it is no longer the result of an inability to do, but just regular senioritis kicking in.

I’m glad. I finally feel like I’m sustainably getting better. No, everything in my life is not perfect, but it’s a combination of the small things that make each day worth it. So now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get back to dancing around my room while I clean it.

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❤ Severn