I’m Out!

I’ve been stuck in my head for the past week or so, but I’m finally out! A combination of reading The Untethered Soul, talking to and sharing my feelings with Beau (after holding them in for no good reason), and getting an extremely good night’s sleep has me feeling on top of the world.

I don’t feel slave to my thoughts or to my experiences. I feel secure, centered. All those things I was worrying about last week–if I should be studying again already, if I give Beau too much space will he decide not to come back, what the hell do I do about not liking my job–all of that seems so… extra.

The reality of life is that you live it and then you die. Sometimes that thought freaks me out, but mostly it makes me want to do things I love and spend time with people important to me. I do NOT want to waste time worrying about shit I can’t control; I do NOT want to waste time on things that don’t matter; and I DO want to spend time figuring out what is important to me, what I want to do with my life, and how I want to make that happen.

I’ve been pretty mentally tame/calm for the past couple months in that I’ve been generally less anxious–I’ve grown a lot. But, this past week was just a reminder that there’s still work to do, and that’s okay! Growth excites me. I’m constantly evolving, and that keeps life interesting. If you don’t share that perspective, if we don’t vibrate on the same or similar frequencies? You can go on an get out of my way.

So, in summary: Go me!

Until next time,

Severn

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Bruh.

I am going to take my third of five architect registration exams next week Friday, and I have a shit ton more studying to do. Instead of doing that, though, I spent all of my post-work time today sulking. Beau is traveling for work, which he normally doesn’t do on the weekends, and my body/psyche is not reacting to it well.

Beneath the sadness and general lethargy, I’m actually quite angry with myself. Sure, I let myself feel my feelings today–a good general practice for mental health and well-being, but I also let that allowance turn into dwelling on my sadness. I’m drowning in self-inflicted misery with no desire to pull myself out. And it’s frustrating.

Things I have to do:

  • study
  • clean my apartment
  • feed myself
  • wash my hair

Tomorrow–well, 24 minutes from now, but who’s counting–will be a new day. On this new day I will resume my status as Badass, and my to-do list will be my bitch. If Beau knew how much time I wasted today (which he might, I don’t know if he actually reads these anymore), he wouldn’t judge me, but he would be sure to do everything in his power to keep me from repeating the same thing tomorrow.

Something I’m trying to implement more is focusing on working towards and accomplishing my goals for those who want to see me succeed (if I can’t seem to do the work for myself). Beau wants to see me winning, and I want to see him winning. That’s one of my favorite things about us. We are each other’s biggest cheerleaders. I’m a badass on my own, but something about him makes me feel even stronger and more capable of doing literally anything I put my mind to.

I’m babbling.

Tomorrow! Tomorrow will be productive, and I will gain ALL the knowledge. I will also cook real food and provide myself sustenance like a good adult. I’m not a girl who falls apart without her guy, I’m just PMSing. These next 7 days are MINE, so let’s get it!

Baiiii.

-S

Dragging

Currently dragging myself through today with the knowledge that

1. I am a queen and

2. I am capable of so much more than I am currently doing so

3. I need to and will get my act together

Pep Talks

Sometimes I have to give myself pep talks in order to accomplish things. It helps if I can watch myself be all motivating in the mirror.

Showing myself tough love is my go-to. There are a lot of challenging questions and remarks like:

“Are you seriously gonna stop studying after only 30 minutes?”

“Stop being a little bitch! You literally lifted this same weight last week–you can do it again.”

“You were not made to be average! Get your shit together and just fucking do it!”

Most of the time these work pretty well. The rest of the time, I just have to accept defeat and vow to do better next time. And that is perfectly fine. 🙂

What’s Going on in My Life (A List!)

I’m studying again! It’s been a minute, but I’m doing it. I haven’t scheduled my next test yet (#3 out of 5), but I will once I have more material under my belt. Consistency is key here.

I’m doing Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Make Over Baby Steps! I’m currently on Step 2: Paying off my debts with the debt snowball method. I listed out my debts in order from smallest principal to largest, and that’s the order in which I’m paying them. It is a slow process, but seeing my student loan principal balance steadily drop is an encouraging and satisfying feeling. Patience and will-power is key here.

I’m still settling in to my apartment. Oh yeah, I moved out of my mom’s house! Haha, high-key trying to do this whole adulting thing. So far so good, but much like the debt snowball, it’s a long process. Anywho, yes. Settling in. My sofa comes tomorrow, and I will finally have WiFi! *parties like it’s whatever year WiFi became a thing*

I’m becoming a fucking Goddess! When I first started this blog, I wrote this post about becoming a goddess. I made a list of things I wanted to be doing and emotional benchmarks I wanted to reach in order to evolve. What I’ve learned, though, is that I can’t just make a checklist and when it’s all done I’ll be changed. *cries because this is how I’ve lived my entire life* The process of becoming a goddess is actually much simpler.

Note that I said simple, NOT easy. Organic growth happens when you live honestly, at the edge of your comfort zone, and with an open heart. Easier said than done, I know, but the process of making those things a reality is where the evolution occurs!

It took longer than I would have expected of myself, but I finally realized that by focusing on the journey instead of the final result, the pressure was relieved, the idea of failure became less scary, and time flew by (in a good way)! And here I am, 2.5 months after moving out, feeling like I’m finally blossoming into the goddess I’m meant to be.

I still have unachieved goals, and I’m no where near “finished” growing, but I wanted to share all this because I’m just freaking happy. Even when I’m in a funk, I’m still happy. God has blessed me with balanced feelings of contentedness and thirst for an even better version of myself. He did not create me to be mediocre, so who am I to waste day after day NOT being the absolute best I can be? NOT walking in His light and letting it fill me till I’m overflowing, radiant with His love and my own beauty, ready to pour it into those around me?

I just… I’m so grateful. And wherever you are in your journey, I pray for your success, but more importantly, I pray that you learn every lesson God (or the universe, or who/whatever it is you believe in) has for you.

You are important.

You are loved.

We’re all goddesses on the inside. (Even the guys, let’s be real hehe.)

Anywho, time to get back to studying. I have a feeling I’ll be back soon–writing this post made me feel good.

Until next time!

❤ Severn

My Self-Love (A List!)

This is what self-love looks like for me:

  • Forgiving myself for mistakes I’ve made, and forgiving others so as not to waste my energy on anger. Forgiveness is a choice you make every day, to acknowledge and honor your hurt feelings/mistake, and then let them go. Life is so much sweeter when you do.
  • Being as nice to myself as I am to my best friends. It’s easy to get caught in negative thought loops, but I’ve been training myself to cut them short in the same manner I use with my friends. After having a few negative thoughts, I say to myself, “Hey. Quit it. Yeah, you fucked up, but move on and do better, you are more than capable.” Or, “You are doing so much better than you give yourself credit for! Own that!” I could go on, but you get the idea.
  • Acknowledging when I need to step my game up, and then doing just that. I think a lot of people view self-love/self-care as just cutting yourself slack, taking bubble baths with a glass of wine, or midday naps. While those types of things are exactly what you need sometimes, they are not the only way to show yourself love. Sometimes, self-love looks like waking up at 5am instead of sleeping in because I have to get a study session in. Sure, being up before the sun in the dead of winter kind of sucks, but future me will benefit from the choices present me makes. That discipline is loving myself enough to push and achieve my goals.
  • Honesty. To sort of piggy back on that last one point of holding yourself accountable… Self-love is being honest with yourself about your feelings, about what you want, about who you are. It’s easier than you think to lie to yourself–Barlow just helped me realize in my last therapy session that I was lying to myself about a relationship in my life for a while. I told myself I was happy, but really I was just lost. Self-awareness and self-love go hand in hand (in my opinion), but they are not one in the same. I’ve always been extremely self-aware, but sometimes my awareness falls short of understanding. I can identify my behaviors, my problems, even my feelings, but I don’t always know the reason behind them. So, self-love is searching for my truths, and being able to own them.

Some simple ones:

  • long showers
  • writing in my journal
  • spending time with my mom
  • spending time alone
  • talking to at least one of my really good friends each week

Aaaaannnnd one silly one for good measure:

  • Wrapping myself up in my blanket like a Severn burrito when it’s really cold outside (or I’m lonely or whatever 🙃)

What does self-love look like for you? Let me know in the comments!

 

I’ve Been Life-Coached

I kind of got life-coached by Beau yesterday. (Yeah, we’re friends again.)

I know it’s been a while y’all, but I’m back, for now, and a little all over the place, which I’m sure you’ll see in this post. This is actually one of the things we talked about–why I haven’t blogged in so long. The answer is the same reason I haven’t moved forward in most any of the other areas in my life:

I’m afraid. 

Of what? Failure, mostly. I’m afraid of failing myself, of letting my family down by not reaching the potential they believe I have. I’m afraid that nobody cares about what I have to say, or about the experiences I’ve had.  I’m afraid that what I say I want to do isn’t actually what I want to do. I’m afraid that if I’m vulnerable on here like I was on my last blog, I’ll hurt somebody again. 

I’m sick of it. 

I’m sick of holding myself back, of dulling my light, and dialing back my feelings for the sake of others. I’m tired of trying to fit myself into this box that I constructed for myself when I was 12 years old. 

Architecture is great, but I don’t want to do it for the rest of my life.

I love my family, but I can’t let them continue to influence my decisions or how I feel about where I am in life. 

I want to write, and I can’t let my limiting beliefs stop me from doing that, from doing the one thing that makes me happiest. 

I’ve been in a pretty good place lately, stable, I guess. But, after my conversation with Beau yesterday, I realized just how much I’m suppressing. And it’s scaring me. I’m actually fighting back tears as I write this. 

On a slightly different note:

When Beau and I broke up, I had a feeling our story wasn’t over. I didn’t know what shape any future friendship/relationship would really take, but I knew there would be something. I still love him, I don’t think that’ll ever go away, but what I’m realizing now is more importantly: I still have more to learn from him. I don’t know if he’s learning anything from me, whether it’s about life, himself, or whatever, but he’s helped me.

What we established yesterday was that my fear of failure and everything that comes with it–disappointment, a sense of loss, a hit to my self-confidence–has paralyzed me. I’ve had this thought before, a long time ago, when I was super confused about my life, but it hadn’t occurred to me recently. When Beau said it, it felt like time stopped for a split second. A thud sounded in my head as my happily “stable” mind fell from the tightrope on which it was precariously perched. 

I’m paralyzed. 

My theme for 2017 was self-love. I’ve achieved that. I know I’m hard on myself, but especially after this year, I can honestly say that I love myself. I know that I’m worthy of love, that even though I make mistakes I’m still an amazing person with wonderful qualities. I don’t really need validation from other people (though it’s nice to get it sometimes). I accept myself for who I am while acknowledging that I can be better. I love me as I am, I love me for who I can be. I am enough. 

For 2018, my theme is Level-Up, because that’s what I plan to do in every aspect of life. No more paralysis, but movement. Hopefully forward and upward movement, but I acknowledge that life doesn’t always work that way, and there will be plenty of setbacks as well.  The point is that I’m ready. And I have every intention of gaining more clarity, direction, and overall satisfaction with my life. I plan to flourish. 

Until next time,

❤ Severn

Prayer

I didn’t go to church yesterday. Bible study is off for the month of July. I have been neglecting to read my bible everyday. Basically, I’m slacking on my Christian duties, and it’s because I haven’t felt very godly recently.

My decisions for the past month were not of Him, and while I know I have grace, I still didn’t feel worthy to come before the Lord. Despite my lapse in Christian behavior, a small, desperate part of me continued to pray.

I called out to the Lord multiple times over the last four weeks, “Lord, please close the doors you do not wish me to walk through, and may the ones you do swing wide open.” Now, I said these words, but the larger, selfish part of me hoped He wouldn’t listen. I wanted to do what I wanted!

Thankfully, my prayer was answered anyway this past weekend. Sure, it took one last bad decision to convince me the Lord has more in store for me. Plus a conversation with my best friend to realize I was selling myself short. But, I am capable of so much more than I have been doing, so why was I defying both my logic and values to do what feels good in the moment?

The honest answer is that I’m human. I’m weak, selfish, and confused. However, if I take the time to empty myself of toxic thoughts and worldly desires, I can be filled with the light of the Lord.

He loves me.

I break His heart a million times over, but he still loves me. Except for my mom, I know I will never find another love like His. And all I can do to repay Him is try to honor Him in all that I do, and love others as He loves me.

God closed a door this weekend–two, as a matter of fact. And while I’m not quite sure where the next open one is, I know it exists, and I’m excited to go through it. Prayer works, y’all. You just have to keep your eyes and heart open to receive the message the Lord is sending you.

Until next time,

❤ Severn

Adulting || Deadlines

Here’s the thing: There are none.

Aside from taxes, and some work projects, there is pretty much no such thing as deadlines in adulthood.

I’ve been in the real world for a year now, and let me tell you something: I need deadlines. If I don’t have a hard deadline, nothing gets done.

And let me tell you something else: self-imposed deadlines do not (apparently) count.

Anxiety strangles me at the thought of letting my mom down, but if it’s only me I’m letting down? Psh. Who cares?! My goals don’t need to be accomplished anytime soon! I’m still young! I have the rest of my life ahead of me! Just have fun–no need to work towards anything specific. Just eat some hot cheetos and watch Gilmore Girls all the way through for the third time.

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My brain tells me this daily, and it’s so unbelievably frustrating. It takes a lot of energy to overcome this thinking, too, and as a result (when I can overcome it) I can have no more than a maximum of three productive days in a row. I can’t remember ever succeeding in a fourth (unless I was under enough stress to light a fire under my ass).

Here’s what I’m thinking, though:

Originally, I told myself I would get my architecture license by 25. That’s in 6 months, and so not likely to happen

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And this is where I get stuck.

Unless.

Self-imposed deadlines don’t wok. Stressing myself out by scheduling all the tests is NOT the move because I would actually implode (and go broke). So what are my options?

If any of you have ideas, please do share? I figure if I’m brainstorming, and y’all brainstorm, too, we’re bound to come up with something, right? So please help if you can and are willing. Otherwise, saying a quick prayer for my focus (and sanity) would be much appreciated as well.

Until next time,

Severn

May Goals

I skipped a couple weeks, but I’m here now. Hellloooo.

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It’s May! Honestly, where has the time gone? Why does it move so quickly?? What is the meaning of it all?!

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Anywho, now that that mini-existential crisis is out of the way, on to the main event.

MY MAY GOALS:

  • I am going to FULLY, REALLY, TRULY, SERIOUSLY get back on my 5am wake up schedule and study grind. I have been majorly slacking, and it’s time I kick my butt back into gear. This morning was a definite struggle, but tomorrow is a new day!giphy-downsized.gif
  • Find a good balance between going out/spending money and staying in/watching Netflix. If I do too much of either, I end up burnt out, or feeling guilty for neglecting my responsibilities. I can achieve this balance by really checking in with myself and assessing both my emotional and financial resources before deciding what to do with my time. Yay mental health and being responsible! happy britney spears yay following woot GIF
  • Follow through on promises I make–to myself and others! This one is pretty self-explanatory. It also goes along with keeping to my study schedule and such.

Those are the big three! When I try to tackle more than that it doesn’t tend to end well. It’s important to set goals and really strive to achieve them, but I believe one must also be aware of one’s own capabilities. I often spread myself too thin, and that typically leads to me half-assing a bunch a things.

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Okay, so it’s more than one thing, but still. You get my point.

Other things that will be going on this month:

  • continuing along my fitness journey (workouts & meal prep)
  • blogging (please love me by continuing to read my posts!)
  • dating (for the record I deleted all my dating apps, but more on that later)
  • my mommy’s birthday!
  • general all purpose adulting

I’m excited for another month! And I’m even more excited that it started on a Monday. It’s just so satisfying. Alrighty, time for me to hit the hay. (What a weird expression for a city girl.)

Until next time!

❤ Severn