Adulting || Deadlines

Here’s the thing: There are none.

Aside from taxes, and some work projects, there is pretty much no such thing as deadlines in adulthood.

I’ve been in the real world for a year now, and let me tell you something: I need deadlines. If I don’t have a hard deadline, nothing gets done.

And let me tell you something else: self-imposed deadlines do not (apparently) count.

Anxiety strangles me at the thought of letting my mom down, but if it’s only me I’m letting down? Psh. Who cares?! My goals don’t need to be accomplished anytime soon! I’m still young! I have the rest of my life ahead of me! Just have fun–no need to work towards anything specific. Just eat some hot cheetos and watch Gilmore Girls all the way through for the third time.

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My brain tells me this daily, and it’s so unbelievably frustrating. It takes a lot of energy to overcome this thinking, too, and as a result (when I can overcome it) I can have no more than a maximum of three productive days in a row. I can’t remember ever succeeding in a fourth (unless I was under enough stress to light a fire under my ass).

Here’s what I’m thinking, though:

Originally, I told myself I would get my architecture license by 25. That’s in 6 months, and so not likely to happen

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And this is where I get stuck.

Unless.

Self-imposed deadlines don’t wok. Stressing myself out by scheduling all the tests is NOT the move because I would actually implode (and go broke). So what are my options?

If any of you have ideas, please do share? I figure if I’m brainstorming, and y’all brainstorm, too, we’re bound to come up with something, right? So please help if you can and are willing. Otherwise, saying a quick prayer for my focus (and sanity) would be much appreciated as well.

Until next time,

Severn

May Goals

I skipped a couple weeks, but I’m here now. Hellloooo.

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It’s May! Honestly, where has the time gone? Why does it move so quickly?? What is the meaning of it all?!

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Anywho, now that that mini-existential crisis is out of the way, on to the main event.

MY MAY GOALS:

  • I am going to FULLY, REALLY, TRULY, SERIOUSLY get back on my 5am wake up schedule and study grind. I have been majorly slacking, and it’s time I kick my butt back into gear. This morning was a definite struggle, but tomorrow is a new day!giphy-downsized.gif
  • Find a good balance between going out/spending money and staying in/watching Netflix. If I do too much of either, I end up burnt out, or feeling guilty for neglecting my responsibilities. I can achieve this balance by really checking in with myself and assessing both my emotional and financial resources before deciding what to do with my time. Yay mental health and being responsible! happy britney spears yay following woot GIF
  • Follow through on promises I make–to myself and others! This one is pretty self-explanatory. It also goes along with keeping to my study schedule and such.

Those are the big three! When I try to tackle more than that it doesn’t tend to end well. It’s important to set goals and really strive to achieve them, but I believe one must also be aware of one’s own capabilities. I often spread myself too thin, and that typically leads to me half-assing a bunch a things.

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Okay, so it’s more than one thing, but still. You get my point.

Other things that will be going on this month:

  • continuing along my fitness journey (workouts & meal prep)
  • blogging (please love me by continuing to read my posts!)
  • dating (for the record I deleted all my dating apps, but more on that later)
  • my mommy’s birthday!
  • general all purpose adulting

I’m excited for another month! And I’m even more excited that it started on a Monday. It’s just so satisfying. Alrighty, time for me to hit the hay. (What a weird expression for a city girl.)

Until next time!

❤ Severn

Obligatory New Year Post

I was going to do a “2016 in Review” post, but after I wrote it, I didn’t want to share it. I learned and experienced both great triumph and heartache. Right now, though, I want to focus on what’s to come.

My theme for 2017 is Self-Love.

Every goal I set for myself this year will be geared toward becoming the best version of myself possible.

I’ve always struggled a bit with self-love and happiness. However, I just finished reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck (review to come) and one of the first points Manson makes is this:

The experience of seeking happiness, success, and a positive lifestyle is inherently negative. Mostly, it helps us internalize the fact that we (think) we are NOT happy, NOT successful, NOT positive people.

The moment I read that was the moment I stopped thinking of myself as unhappy. It was like magic! And along with that realization, I decided to love myself and everything I am!

BUT

That doesn’t mean I can’t improve some things or work on bettering myself and my life situation. It just means that I’m seeking all that from the healthy place of self-love, not the dangerous place of self-hate.

So without further ado, my biggest 2017 goals:

– #ArchitectBy25

– Be comfortable in my own skin

– Apply to grad school

– Be more creative and leave my comfort zone more often

– Buy a condo

These are some huge goals! They will require major focus, dedication, and perseverance, but I know I can do it

So you have a theme for 2017? What are some of your goals? Let me know in the comments!

Adulting || Dating

Guys. I joined Bumble.

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Full disclosure: I don’t actually know that I’m ready to date again yet. As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, I’ve never been “just dating”. I’m either in a relationship, single and lonely, or single and slutty. (Note to self: talk to therapist about this.)

Beau and I have only been broken up for about 5 weeks, BUT in perspective… That’s almost half the length of our relationship.

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Yes, I thought I was going to marry the dude (you just know, right?), but the other person kind of has to be on the same page in order for that to happen.  (._.)

So yeah. I’m not exactly ready to start dating; I don’t exactly know what dating entails, but I joined Bumble. It’s a fun time-waster, and I get a little ego-boost every time I match with a hot guy (even if I let the match expire by not actually saying anything to them).

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I also think part of the reason I joined is control. I like having it, and recently I’ve felt like I’ve lost it. Bumble let’s me have all the control I want. Swipe whichever way I want, talk to matches or don’t–it’s all up to me!

Don’t get me wrong–I know there are lots of other arenas in which I can claim control, but hear me out here: This is the only one that attacked me and left my heart broken. So I feel that even if buzzing on Bumble (I just made that up) leads to absolutely nothing (which I’m sure it will), I can at least be assured that it was my decision.

#FakeAdulting for the win. Woo!

Oh, and best case scenario I meet someone and fall in love, but I’m not counting on it, haha.

Yay Dating!

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Choices

Getting out of bed in the morning.

Driving to work everyday.

Sticking to my meal plan and workout schedule.

Talking to God every day.

Watching Netflix instead of studying.

Loving someone–or not.

These are all choices of varying importance, but they are choices nonetheless. Depression makes choosing a difficult task–sometimes impossible–but we can fight it. I fight it everyday, and for the past couple of weeks I’ve been winning.

I still don’t necessarily enjoy any of these things, but I’m doing them! And that in itself is something to be excited about.

❤ Severn

How I’ve Been Handling Life

  • productive distractions like laundry, cleaning, writing
  • non-productive distractions like Netflix
  • talking to my mom and friends about my feelings
  • repeatedly telling myself to get my life together, making plans to do so, and failing at said plans, repeat
  • therapy (yay!)
  • shopping (yay!)
  • many imaginary conversations in my head, but mostly just overthinking the shit out of my life, feelings, and things I can’t control
  • trying (and failing) to not think about Beau
  • reminding myself to love myself
  • taking baby steps to figure out what a “normal” life is for me

December Goals

1. Catch up on studying.

I am way behind, so getting back to where I’m supposed to be (according to my handy schedule) is top priority.

2. Go to the gym!

I’m shooting for 3x/week, but I will settle for two. I am so incredibly uncomfortable with my body, so sculpting it into what I want is key to my happiness. Also, I may be signing up for a training plan, so yay!

3. Self-Love

I’m not happy, and I spend a decent amount of time putting myself down. Admonishing myself for the thoughts I have, being mean to myself about my body, telling myself I’m not doing enough to live the life I want… deep down believing I don’t deserve the life I want. Well, I can’t promise that all that will stop–chances are it never will–but I can at least add some self-love to the mix to balance out the negative. And then maybe one day the love will overwhelm the rest.

Finish the year strong! What are you December goals?

 

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November in Review

I had one goal this month: to be happy.

It’s been hard as f*ck.

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Mostly because my heart’s been broken, but also because even before my break up I was falling back into depression.

I went from 5am wake-ups (to work out or study or cook for the day) to snoozing 30-45 minutes, and laying in bed awake until it was imperative that I get up, shower, and go to work. Then I went to work and was probably at a 50% productivity rate. Then I would come home and promptly get back under my covers–sometimes not even bothering to change out of my work clothes.

It’s been rough.

Not even a month has passed since we broke up, but it already feels like my relationship with Beau never happened. Like it was a long dream, a detour from my real life. That feeling alone could suck the happiness out of me, but honestly depression did most of that already.

I’m not happy.

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Sure, I have happy moments or days or whatever, but overall I’m just a numb, sometimes sad zombie. Objectively I’m making good progress. I got rid of so much stuff in my room and bought a bookshelf and a desk, so my space is better. I started waking up at 5am again and doing test prep or going to the gym. My productivity at work isn’t as terrible anymore. I’ve had friendly conversations with Beau, I’ve spent time with family, I’m saving money.

But none of that makes me happy. I’m just going through the motions.

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My hope for the very near future is that “just going through the motions” starts to make me feel good again.

That being sore from the gym excites me. That eating healthy food makes me feel healthier. That keeping my room clean puts me at ease. That I stop hating my job, and I start to see it as the necessary stepping stone it is.

I just want to live my life with intention, and with a general sense of… happiness. “Meh” is not an acceptable answer to “Are you happy?” but it’s pretty constant for me.

My therapist has given me some suggestions that I’ll try to follow in the next month (and probably for the rest of forever until I’m happy and then longer so I stay happy). I often get caught in negative thought loops, and I’m meaner to myself than anyone else has ever been to me. I aim to fix that.

Did I accomplish this month’s goal? No. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying.

 

November Goals

Three days late is better than never!

1. CHOOSE TO BE F*CKING HAPPY!

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This is literally my only goal this month. Yes, I know it breaks the cardinal rule of goal-making: be SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound). Okay, so it breaks the “SMA” rule.

BUT.

It’s the only thing that matters to me right now. My life feels so up in the air. The only thing in my life that makes me truly happy lately is Beau and our relationship. And that’s not healthy–I know that’s not healthy. It’s not his fault, it’s not anybody’s fault. It’s just the way my brain seems to be wired.

I don’t want to feel like this, unsatisfied with my life. Every time I start to feel myself falling I try to remind myself of all my blessings. And there are a lot! They are objectively really awesome, but I still feel like… like I’m not doing enough.

I’m not deserving, I’m not good enough, I’m not really doing my best. I keep listening to all these personal development books, having deep talks with Beau about what I want to do with my life, and praying (no where near enough, but still) in the hopes of making myself feel better. And that all helps in the moment, but it never lasts.

Part of the reason my relief is so fleeting is because I’m constantly thinking about what I need to do to get where I want to be, to look how I want to look, to live the life of my dreams. I need to stop spending so much money, to work out more and eat healthier, to study harder so I can pass my exams, to stop getting distracted at work. I just feel so unequipped for this life of mine.

Part of me knows it’s normal to feel this way because I’m a 23 year old woman, but that doesn’t make it any easier to handle. I’m sick of feeling helpless, so instead I’m going to put all of my energy into being happy.

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Easier said than done, I know, BUT I’m still going to try. Because I haven’t fallen so far down the depression hole that I can’t bring myself to at least give it a shot.

Okay, maybe one more “subgoal” if you will:

1a. Forgive myself when I need to, and remember that it is okay to feel things other than happiness.

Wish me luck, y’all. I need all the positive support I can get. 🙂

❤ Severn

 

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featured image source: http://quotesblog.net/hello-november/

Adulting || Finding Your Purpose

Disclaimer: I haven’t actually found my purpose yet. 

I am quite unsatisfied with my job. My mom says it might be the place/location; spending around 2 mind-numbing hours in my car everyday can’t be good for my mental health. (Not to mention the 8 hours of sitting and staring at a computer screen.) I think I need to find work that actually makes an impact in someone’s world, and Beau thinks I should start the search for that work by figuring out my mission statement.

Can’t say that I’ve done that yet, BUT there is other stuffs to work off of.

I love psychology. Figuring out the way people work, why we do the things we do, even just observing others as they live their lives…

I minored in psych in undergrad, and now I’m thinking about getting a master’s in it. I found this program called Industrial and Organizational Psychology that sounds like something I’d be interested in. Basically it’s geared towards figuring out how people are affected by their environments, mostly with regards to the workplace. As I understand it, most IO psychologists end up going into HR positions or consulting roles for companies looking to up their efficiency or employee happiness.

Now, I don’t want to be an HR rep. I am WAY too opinionated and judgmental to be successful in that field.

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BUT I think I may be able to draw some connection between the things I learn in this program with what I (think) I want to do in architecture. I believe the beauty of architecture lies in the fact that people are shaped by their environments, and we as architects are responsible for shaping those environments. It’s a cycle through which I am theoretically able to shape someone’s experience at some point in their life.

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No, I promise to use my powers for good.

I’ve always known I want to open up my own firm, but I’ve never been super clear on what kind of work I want to do. Generally community-based work like affordable housing projects and rec-centers have been my go-to’s when someone asks about my interests. Recently, I’ve felt those are too vague.

After a bit of research (in conjunction with my psych program research) I think I’ve figured out a more specific path. The firm that I eventually open will be typical in that it will offer architectural services, but I also want have a consulting side. Sure, architect-client relationships are always integral to the design process, but I want something a bit deeper.

Don’t talk to me about the materials you want to use in your kitchen or living room; tell me how you want to feel when you’re home. This strategy can also be applied to non-residential projects. Schools, rec-centers, orphanages, the list goes on. My point is I want my work to mean something to the people who interact with it. I want to make human-based architecture with an emphasis on the people in the space and how the space effects the people.

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This is more of an installation (in Boston) but the playful nature is clear, and the swings beg to be messed with.

I don’t know that my desire to create meaningful work necessarily constitutes a purpose (it might still be too vague), but I think pursuing that psych program (and relating it to architecture) will help me get closer to figuring out what my purpose is. The biggest thing I’ve learned, and that Beau has helped me see, is that I should always work towards something. Also, my overall mission (whatever that may be) should act as a motivator for almost everything I put my time and energy, too.

It’s okay that I don’t necessarily have an answer for any of this yet. I’m only 23 (for two more weeks omg), I’ve got time to figure it out. And honestly, it would still be okay to not have it figured out at 33. The most important thing about finding your purpose is that you are looking in the first place.

If you’re doing that, I’d say you’re in a pretty good spot.

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