Happy Monday!

Happy Monday!

My weekend was equal parts productive and relaxing. I know they seem like counter-productive activities, but they really balanced each other out and allowed me to keep my sanity. I was starting to have flashbacks of pulling all-nighters in architecture school and decided that’s what I was NOT going to do.

I will admit that I did not gain allll the knowledge, but I made really solid progress, and feel really good about what I do know! Also, I’m not sure if it’s because the weather is changing and Autumn is pushing its way in, but I am in such an invincible mood.

Crisp air makes me feel awake, alive, motivated, excited, and generally happy to be living this blessed life. I get to wear sweaters and fuzzy socks, and cuddling can happen for longer periods of time without the discomfort of sweating. In fact, sweating rarely happens at all unless its intentional, haha.

Yep, Autumn is here, my test is Friday and I don’t feel completely unprepared. Yay life!

Okie, gotta get ready for work. I pray you have a productive week with adequate amounts of sleep and proper sustenance to fuel your days.

Baiiii

-S

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Bruh.

I am going to take my third of five architect registration exams next week Friday, and I have a shit ton more studying to do. Instead of doing that, though, I spent all of my post-work time today sulking. Beau is traveling for work, which he normally doesn’t do on the weekends, and my body/psyche is not reacting to it well.

Beneath the sadness and general lethargy, I’m actually quite angry with myself. Sure, I let myself feel my feelings today–a good general practice for mental health and well-being, but I also let that allowance turn into dwelling on my sadness. I’m drowning in self-inflicted misery with no desire to pull myself out. And it’s frustrating.

Things I have to do:

  • study
  • clean my apartment
  • feed myself
  • wash my hair

Tomorrow–well, 24 minutes from now, but who’s counting–will be a new day. On this new day I will resume my status as Badass, and my to-do list will be my bitch. If Beau knew how much time I wasted today (which he might, I don’t know if he actually reads these anymore), he wouldn’t judge me, but he would be sure to do everything in his power to keep me from repeating the same thing tomorrow.

Something I’m trying to implement more is focusing on working towards and accomplishing my goals for those who want to see me succeed (if I can’t seem to do the work for myself). Beau wants to see me winning, and I want to see him winning. That’s one of my favorite things about us. We are each other’s biggest cheerleaders. I’m a badass on my own, but something about him makes me feel even stronger and more capable of doing literally anything I put my mind to.

I’m babbling.

Tomorrow! Tomorrow will be productive, and I will gain ALL the knowledge. I will also cook real food and provide myself sustenance like a good adult. I’m not a girl who falls apart without her guy, I’m just PMSing. These next 7 days are MINE, so let’s get it!

Baiiii.

-S

Dragging

Currently dragging myself through today with the knowledge that

1. I am a queen and

2. I am capable of so much more than I am currently doing so

3. I need to and will get my act together

Comprehend

I cannot comprehend everything that I’m feeling right now, but I know that it’s all generally positive. I also know that I’m okay with not comprehending it for a while.

I’m grateful for that.

TTFN

I’ve got, like, 4 unfinished posts sitting in my drafts folder, and it’s because I keep deciding halfway through that I no longer like them.

That’s both a hard fact, and a metaphor for my life.

I have 4 large goals I’ve been trying to accomplish for the past year and a half or so just sitting on my “Goals” list, and it’s because I consistently half-ass any efforts put towards reaching them.

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Welp. 2018 is the year of the full-ass attempts. It’s the year themed “Level Up”. It’s time for me to pick a thing, and freaking focus on it until it gets done. Then, I’ll move on to the next thing. Simple, direct, doable.

Unfortunately, blogging is not on my current list of priorities. So, while I may return every so often to update y’all, or to share some random tidbit/life-lesson/experience/super short story, this is my official notice that I’m taking a hiatus.

I deserve more from myself. My goals deserve my undivided attention. I used to be great at getting shit done, and I aim to get back to that version of myself.

So, I bid you all adieu for now.

Until next time,

Severn ❤

Solid

I am strong, beautiful, and worthy. I am independent, confident, and whole. There is no one who can take these things away from me because they are so ingrained into who I am.

I wasn’t always this way, but that’s okay. It takes time to grow into yourself. Then it takes more time to grow into your next self. I relish in this process. It’s painful sometimes, but it’s necessary. If you reject these changes, you remain stagnant. And if you ask me, that’s unacceptable.

I change from the old me to the new me when I have to, but I always try to settle into the current version as fully as possible. It’s important; I am who I am in this moment for a reason. I have things to learn, people to affect. And I never know when the next change is coming, so I always make the most of these seasons. Or I try to, at least.

I don’t want to be a liquid. I want to be solid.

I refuse to fill the role available. I will make my own role, and you will make the space for me to fit.

Thoughts from Tuesday

I feel weird. I want to be more specific, but I am at a loss.

I feel…on edge. Like, in a precarious place, perhaps… no, not the edge of a cliff. It’s more like… I’m trapped in a car stuck on train tracks. I don’t know when the train is coming, but I have to get out of here.

Okay, so description done, but why the hell do I feel this way? What is this a metaphor for?

My little cousin had her sweet 16 this past Saturday. It was a really nice party, and she looked beautiful. My mom made all the decorations by hand, and they came out stunningly. Everything was great until the very end, when dramatic events occurred. It could’ve been an episode in some novela.

I don’t know that everyone has reconciled yet–no one has updated me on anything. Maybe that’s why I’m on edge.

Or maybe it’s because I’m going a whole month without seeing Barlow since she’s on vacation. It’s easier staying on the outside of the depression bubble when I know I’ve got a therapy session every 14 days. It’s just two weeks–sometimes it’s difficult, but I always manage. Now, though, I’ve gotta wait 30 days. Thirty.

So.

Many.

Days.

I have to deal with everything that happens in my life by myself until August 16th.

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I’m sure I’ll be fine. I just… I know that I’ll need backup at some point, and there is currently no one to fill that role.

My singleness hasn’t really bothered me as much as it has in the past, but it is a bit difficult when I think about this time last year. Beau and I had just started dating, and it was like I was seeing the world more vividly. I was so happy, and excited about life.

Now, it feels like all the excitement lies in my future. Now, it feels like all I have is the work I must do to achieve my goals. And sure, I have fun, I go out with my friends, and those relationships are good ones, but… it’s not the same. There is an undeniable void.

I’m pretty good at ignoring it, though. So, I think that’s what I’ll continue to do while I do what I gotta do. That’s all I can do, right?

But also this:

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❤ Severn

 

I’m Baaaaack

HI! I’m alive and (mostly) well. I stopped regularly blogging because (especially after the breakup) I wanted to figure myself out in private for once. Now, I still haven’t exactly achieved that, but I’m doing a lot better than I was then!

And so here I am.

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What I’ve been doing:

  • working out
  • meal prep
  • studying for the ARE
  • volunteering
  • sort of dating
  • going out with my friends

What “trying to be back” really means:

  • More consistent posts. I’m shooting for once a week. Probably Wednesday or Thursday evenings, but we will see.
  • Great content. When I started this blog, I wrote this sappy post about drowning in depression and how I’m better now and gliding along on my chariot…  saved by the bell disgusted eww gag horrified GIFThat’s a beautiful sentiment, and I’m not taking it back, but I think my blog can use a little redirection. Because what does gliding along on my chariot even mean? The picture of calm waters under my control is not only unrealistic, but also untrue. I still have crappy days ALL the TIME. I get stuck in negative thought loops, I dread taking caring of my responsibilities, I use a LOT of energy every morning convincing myself not to call in to work. Calm waters is a (boring) fantasy, but the stuff I just listed (plus so much more) is LIFE.  wind steve woah blues clues GIFThis blog is called Severn Goddess, and from here on out it will focus on my journey to becoming just that–a goddess. What does that entail?

Becoming a Goddess. To me, being a goddess means:

  • Living the life I want to live – seeing people I want to see, doing things with my time that contribute to my happiness, fitness, and overall well-being
  • Giving to others – donating clothes, money, time; volunteering as often as I can
  • Loving God and trying my best to live a life that glorifies Him
  • Creating architecture, art, blog posts, and anything else that can bring meaning to others

I’ll be posting about allllll of these things on here. My categories won’t change much, but as I continue to create I may tweak along the way.

I’m really excited, guys! I’ve missed blogging, and I think getting back to it will be good for me. See y’all next week!

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Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster of sorts this month. There have been more lows than highs, but I’m still thankful, this day, and every other day, too.

I’m thankful for:

  • My job, my car, the roof over my head, the fact that I can buy food when I’m hungry.
  • My family, they are crazy and loud and dramatic but they are beautiful, loving, and hilarious, and I don’t know what I would do without them.
  • My friends, they are always there for me (and were especially great when I was broken up about being broken up with) and they remind me that life is what I make it, and that I should love myself.
  • Books, without them I would be restricted to my own reality.

My life is blessed, but on this day that celebrates all those years ago when the Natives’ land was stripped away from them, I can’t help but think about how unjust the founding of this country was. Add in the DAPL situation, and I just get even more upset.

SO.

This article has a few ways you can help out. I’ll be donating to the legal defense fund.

Happy Thanksgiving.

-Severn

Adulting || Finding Your Purpose

Disclaimer: I haven’t actually found my purpose yet. 

I am quite unsatisfied with my job. My mom says it might be the place/location; spending around 2 mind-numbing hours in my car everyday can’t be good for my mental health. (Not to mention the 8 hours of sitting and staring at a computer screen.) I think I need to find work that actually makes an impact in someone’s world, and Beau thinks I should start the search for that work by figuring out my mission statement.

Can’t say that I’ve done that yet, BUT there is other stuffs to work off of.

I love psychology. Figuring out the way people work, why we do the things we do, even just observing others as they live their lives…

I minored in psych in undergrad, and now I’m thinking about getting a master’s in it. I found this program called Industrial and Organizational Psychology that sounds like something I’d be interested in. Basically it’s geared towards figuring out how people are affected by their environments, mostly with regards to the workplace. As I understand it, most IO psychologists end up going into HR positions or consulting roles for companies looking to up their efficiency or employee happiness.

Now, I don’t want to be an HR rep. I am WAY too opinionated and judgmental to be successful in that field.

arrested development lucille bluth jessica walter judging judgement

BUT I think I may be able to draw some connection between the things I learn in this program with what I (think) I want to do in architecture. I believe the beauty of architecture lies in the fact that people are shaped by their environments, and we as architects are responsible for shaping those environments. It’s a cycle through which I am theoretically able to shape someone’s experience at some point in their life.

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No, I promise to use my powers for good.

I’ve always known I want to open up my own firm, but I’ve never been super clear on what kind of work I want to do. Generally community-based work like affordable housing projects and rec-centers have been my go-to’s when someone asks about my interests. Recently, I’ve felt those are too vague.

After a bit of research (in conjunction with my psych program research) I think I’ve figured out a more specific path. The firm that I eventually open will be typical in that it will offer architectural services, but I also want have a consulting side. Sure, architect-client relationships are always integral to the design process, but I want something a bit deeper.

Don’t talk to me about the materials you want to use in your kitchen or living room; tell me how you want to feel when you’re home. This strategy can also be applied to non-residential projects. Schools, rec-centers, orphanages, the list goes on. My point is I want my work to mean something to the people who interact with it. I want to make human-based architecture with an emphasis on the people in the space and how the space effects the people.

Image result for person interacting with architecture

This is more of an installation (in Boston) but the playful nature is clear, and the swings beg to be messed with.

I don’t know that my desire to create meaningful work necessarily constitutes a purpose (it might still be too vague), but I think pursuing that psych program (and relating it to architecture) will help me get closer to figuring out what my purpose is. The biggest thing I’ve learned, and that Beau has helped me see, is that I should always work towards something. Also, my overall mission (whatever that may be) should act as a motivator for almost everything I put my time and energy, too.

It’s okay that I don’t necessarily have an answer for any of this yet. I’m only 23 (for two more weeks omg), I’ve got time to figure it out. And honestly, it would still be okay to not have it figured out at 33. The most important thing about finding your purpose is that you are looking in the first place.

If you’re doing that, I’d say you’re in a pretty good spot.

spongebob patrick spongebob squarepants luck good luck