Solid

I am strong, beautiful, and worthy. I am independent, confident, and whole. There is no one who can take these things away from me because they are so ingrained into who I am.

I wasn’t always this way, but that’s okay. It takes time to grow into yourself. Then it takes more time to grow into your next self. I relish in this process. It’s painful sometimes, but it’s necessary. If you reject these changes, you remain stagnant. And if you ask me, that’s unacceptable.

I change from the old me to the new me when I have to, but I always try to settle into the current version as fully as possible. It’s important; I am who I am in this moment for a reason. I have things to learn, people to effect. And I never know when the next change is coming, so I always make the most of these seasons. Or I try to, at least.

I don’t want to be a liquid. I want to be solid.

I refuse to fill the role available. I will make my own role, and you will make the space for me to fit.

Advertisements

Liquid

I make a terrific sidechick. I’m good at keeping secrets, I can be hella fake when I want to be. I’m good in bed, and the perfect bad, yet sweet girl alternative to your girlfriend, who you will probably end up marrying.

I also make a fantastic girlfriend. I’m loyal, loving, supportive. I will grow with you, or I will let you grow on your own while I do the same right next to you. I’m good with parents, and siblings, and friends. I can cook, and I don’t mind being the big spoon sometimes, even though I’m only 5’2″.

I guess I’m whatever you need me to be.

Like a liquid, I fill the space available.

Thoughts from Tuesday

I feel weird. I want to be more specific, but I am at a loss.

I feel…on edge. Like, in a precarious place, perhaps… no, not the edge of a cliff. It’s more like… I’m trapped in a car stuck on train tracks. I don’t know when the train is coming, but I have to get out of here.

Okay, so description done, but why the hell do I feel this way? What is this a metaphor for?

My little cousin had her sweet 16 this past Saturday. It was a really nice party, and she looked beautiful. My mom made all the decorations by hand, and they came out stunningly. Everything was great until the very end, when dramatic events occurred. It could’ve been an episode in some novela.

I don’t know that everyone has reconciled yet–no one has updated me on anything. Maybe that’s why I’m on edge.

Or maybe it’s because I’m going a whole month without seeing Barlow since she’s on vacation. It’s easier staying on the outside of the depression bubble when I know I’ve got a therapy session every 14 days. It’s just two weeks–sometimes it’s difficult, but I always manage. Now, though, I’ve gotta wait 30 days. Thirty.

So.

Many.

Days.

I have to deal with everything that happens in my life by myself until August 16th.

IMG_20160629_163954

I’m sure I’ll be fine. I just… I know that I’ll need backup at some point, and there is currently no one to fill that role.

My singleness hasn’t really bothered me as much as it has in the past, but it is a bit difficult when I think about this time last year. Beau and I had just started dating, and it was like I was seeing the world more vividly. I was so happy, and excited about life.

Now, it feels like all the excitement lies in my future. Now, it feels like all I have is the work I must do to achieve my goals. And sure, I have fun, I go out with my friends, and those relationships are good ones, but… it’s not the same. There is an undeniable void.

I’m pretty good at ignoring it, though. So, I think that’s what I’ll continue to do while I do what I gotta do. That’s all I can do, right?

But also this:

giphy

❤ Severn

 

I’m Baaaaack

HI! I’m alive and (mostly) well. I stopped regularly blogging because (especially after the breakup) I wanted to figure myself out in private for once. Now, I still haven’t exactly achieved that, but I’m doing a lot better than I was then!

And so here I am.

 rosario dawson tara reid parker posey josie and the pussycats rachael leigh cook GIF

What I’ve been doing:

  • working out
  • meal prep
  • studying for the ARE
  • volunteering
  • sort of dating
  • going out with my friends

What “trying to be back” really means:

  • More consistent posts. I’m shooting for once a week. Probably Wednesday or Thursday evenings, but we will see.
  • Great content. When I started this blog, I wrote this sappy post about drowning in depression and how I’m better now and gliding along on my chariot…  saved by the bell disgusted eww gag horrified GIFThat’s a beautiful sentiment, and I’m not taking it back, but I think my blog can use a little redirection. Because what does gliding along on my chariot even mean? The picture of calm waters under my control is not only unrealistic, but also untrue. I still have crappy days ALL the TIME. I get stuck in negative thought loops, I dread taking caring of my responsibilities, I use a LOT of energy every morning convincing myself not to call in to work. Calm waters is a (boring) fantasy, but the stuff I just listed (plus so much more) is LIFE.  wind steve woah blues clues GIFThis blog is called Severn Goddess, and from here on out it will focus on my journey to becoming just that–a goddess. What does that entail?

Becoming a Goddess. To me, being a goddess means:

  • Living the life I want to live – seeing people I want to see, doing things with my time that contribute to my happiness, fitness, and overall well-being
  • Giving to others – donating clothes, money, time; volunteering as often as I can
  • Loving God and trying my best to live a life that glorifies Him
  • Creating architecture, art, blog posts, and anything else that can bring meaning to others

I’ll be posting about allllll of these things on here. My categories won’t change much, but as I continue to create I may tweak along the way.

I’m really excited, guys! I’ve missed blogging, and I think getting back to it will be good for me. See y’all next week!

 feelings GIF

Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster of sorts this month. There have been more lows than highs, but I’m still thankful, this day, and every other day, too.

I’m thankful for:

  • My job, my car, the roof over my head, the fact that I can buy food when I’m hungry.
  • My family, they are crazy and loud and dramatic but they are beautiful, loving, and hilarious, and I don’t know what I would do without them.
  • My friends, they are always there for me (and were especially great when I was broken up about being broken up with) and they remind me that life is what I make it, and that I should love myself.
  • Books, without them I would be restricted to my own reality.

My life is blessed, but on this day that celebrates all those years ago when the Natives’ land was stripped away from them, I can’t help but think about how unjust the founding of this country was. Add in the DAPL situation, and I just get even more upset.

SO.

This article has a few ways you can help out. I’ll be donating to the legal defense fund.

Happy Thanksgiving.

-Severn

Adulting || Finding Your Purpose

Disclaimer: I haven’t actually found my purpose yet. 

I am quite unsatisfied with my job. My mom says it might be the place/location; spending around 2 mind-numbing hours in my car everyday can’t be good for my mental health. (Not to mention the 8 hours of sitting and staring at a computer screen.) I think I need to find work that actually makes an impact in someone’s world, and Beau thinks I should start the search for that work by figuring out my mission statement.

Can’t say that I’ve done that yet, BUT there is other stuffs to work off of.

I love psychology. Figuring out the way people work, why we do the things we do, even just observing others as they live their lives…

I minored in psych in undergrad, and now I’m thinking about getting a master’s in it. I found this program called Industrial and Organizational Psychology that sounds like something I’d be interested in. Basically it’s geared towards figuring out how people are affected by their environments, mostly with regards to the workplace. As I understand it, most IO psychologists end up going into HR positions or consulting roles for companies looking to up their efficiency or employee happiness.

Now, I don’t want to be an HR rep. I am WAY too opinionated and judgmental to be successful in that field.

arrested development lucille bluth jessica walter judging judgement

BUT I think I may be able to draw some connection between the things I learn in this program with what I (think) I want to do in architecture. I believe the beauty of architecture lies in the fact that people are shaped by their environments, and we as architects are responsible for shaping those environments. It’s a cycle through which I am theoretically able to shape someone’s experience at some point in their life.

evil laugh food bae i love food spongebon squarepants

No, I promise to use my powers for good.

I’ve always known I want to open up my own firm, but I’ve never been super clear on what kind of work I want to do. Generally community-based work like affordable housing projects and rec-centers have been my go-to’s when someone asks about my interests. Recently, I’ve felt those are too vague.

After a bit of research (in conjunction with my psych program research) I think I’ve figured out a more specific path. The firm that I eventually open will be typical in that it will offer architectural services, but I also want have a consulting side. Sure, architect-client relationships are always integral to the design process, but I want something a bit deeper.

Don’t talk to me about the materials you want to use in your kitchen or living room; tell me how you want to feel when you’re home. This strategy can also be applied to non-residential projects. Schools, rec-centers, orphanages, the list goes on. My point is I want my work to mean something to the people who interact with it. I want to make human-based architecture with an emphasis on the people in the space and how the space effects the people.

Image result for person interacting with architecture

This is more of an installation (in Boston) but the playful nature is clear, and the swings beg to be messed with.

I don’t know that my desire to create meaningful work necessarily constitutes a purpose (it might still be too vague), but I think pursuing that psych program (and relating it to architecture) will help me get closer to figuring out what my purpose is. The biggest thing I’ve learned, and that Beau has helped me see, is that I should always work towards something. Also, my overall mission (whatever that may be) should act as a motivator for almost everything I put my time and energy, too.

It’s okay that I don’t necessarily have an answer for any of this yet. I’m only 23 (for two more weeks omg), I’ve got time to figure it out. And honestly, it would still be okay to not have it figured out at 33. The most important thing about finding your purpose is that you are looking in the first place.

If you’re doing that, I’d say you’re in a pretty good spot.

spongebob patrick spongebob squarepants luck good luck

Quick Hello and Goodnight

My life feels like it’s coming together! And I’m sure there are a million things just waiting to happen (both good and bad) right around the corner, but I don’t care. 

In this moment I am happy. 

In this moment I am determined to achieve my goals.

In this moment I am at peace with the trajectory my life is on. 

I thank God that I live such a blessed life, and I honestly hope each and every one of you lovely people finds a source of happiness and peace in your own lives. Whether that’s a person, an accomplished goal, or simply a decision– I hope you find it. 

Everyone deserves to be this happy. 

I’m Back

I’ve been gone for forever, but I’m trying to get back in the game. I don’t have WiFi at home (yet), but no excuses. I’ve been attempting to get my life together before I start work next week, and honestly it’s been tiring, but great.

Graduation was two weeks ago. Yay me!

giphy (3)

It was surreal, it was wonderful, it was annoying that I didn’t have my normal phone to take the million pictures the occasion warranted. There is evidence, though, it definitely happened. Also my degree is huge (I’d post a picture, but that would mess with my anonymity).

I have spent the past two weeks completely redoing my room. Since I’ll be living with my mom for the next year, or so, I thought I would update my bedroom, liven it up a bit. It’s been pretty bare the last five years, bare and simultaneously messy, but now it is exactly the haven it’s supposed to be.

giphy (4).gif

Aside from my room renovations, a lot of time was put into the graduation party my mom threw me. Such a lovely party! My mom and I hand made the party favors: individual cotton candy bags, and bags of Swedish Fish (because we always say “I love you more than a million Swedish Fish”). Not only did I get lots of money, but I felt so… loved. Everyone there was genuinely proud of me, interested in the next steps of my life, and happy that I am happy.

giphy (5).gif

No, really, I’m super happy! That’s just my face. 

And finally, my general adult life. Like I said, I start work next week, and I’m so excited! And extremely nervous. “But Severn, you just graduated from one of the best universities in the nation, you’ll be fine!”

giphy (6)

Yeah, I don’t care. I know architecture school is great and all, but I don’t believe it does a very good job at preparing us for the real world. So I’m nervous, and it’s probably really normal, but it doesn’t make me feel good. I’m honestly just hoping I don’t screw up. I’m sure I won’t screw up… I just have to be confident.

Okay, I’m gonna go now, but I hope to be back soon! Wish me luck my first day?

❤ Severn

Just Because

I am in a good mood! I spent all day doing absolutely nothing but binge-watching Saved By the Bell, and binge-eating sour cream and onion chips from Aldi. I’m sure my body hates me, but I’ve been working hard, and I deserved a bum day!

giphy

My plan for today

It’s half past ten, now, and I finally feel like being productive again, so I’m doing laundry and cleaning my room. I have a ten-page paper due Monday, and I would really like to get it done tomorrow so I can enjoy my weekend. If I get all of this stuff done now, I’ll be able to focus better tomorrow! *says the productive procrastinator*

giphy (1)

Anywho, I just wanted to say hey. I feel like I’m letting y’all down, though, so I’ll try to make the next post a bit more interesting! Any suggestions? Comment below!

Toodles,

Severn