December Goals

1. Catch up on studying.

I am way behind, so getting back to where I’m supposed to be (according to my handy schedule) is top priority.

2. Go to the gym!

I’m shooting for 3x/week, but I will settle for two. I am so incredibly uncomfortable with my body, so sculpting it into what I want is key to my happiness. Also, I may be signing up for a training plan, so yay!

3. Self-Love

I’m not happy, and I spend a decent amount of time putting myself down. Admonishing myself for the thoughts I have, being mean to myself about my body, telling myself I’m not doing enough to live the life I want… deep down believing I don’t deserve the life I want. Well, I can’t promise that all that will stop–chances are it never will–but I can at least add some self-love to the mix to balance out the negative. And then maybe one day the love will overwhelm the rest.

Finish the year strong! What are you December goals?

 

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Reasons I’m Freaking Out

  • The ten page paper I have due today is nowhere near done
  • I drunk texted Dapper Saturday, made a fool of myself, told him the next day that he never has to talk to me again if he doesn’t want to, and haven’t heard from him since
  • I still have to grade the graduate student projects
  • I have to submit studio documentation
  • I have to clean out my studio desk
  • My graduation dress needs to be taken to the tailor
  • I’m extra broke
  • Coffee

I’ll be back later if therapy is helpful today. It’s my last session for at least three months! This saddens me.

An Open Letter to Alcohol

Dear Alcy,

Is it okay if I still call you that? I know we went on a break, but I still feel like we’re close. It was only 111 days, and I mean I came running right back, didn’t I?

You understand why I needed the break, don’t you? Alcoholism runs on all sides of my family, and within the last year, I’ve realized that I have alcoholic tendencies. I wasn’t reliant on you, but I couldn’t moderate myself when I started drinking you. I would reach a comfortable level of buzzed, decide I could handle a few more drinks, and go too far. It wasn’t a good cycle. It led to many bad decisions, and copious amounts of guilt to accompany those decisions.

After our break, I thought I could handle you again. I thought I was ready to try since I knew it was possible to live without you. I wasn’t necessarily wrong, but I wasn’t exactly right, either. It really depends on what mood I’m in before I start drinking.

Last night I was feeling reckless. I was tired of doing work, I was tired of Dapper being too busy to hang out with me, and I was anticipating another night alone while Corey and Haley canoodled in his bed. We went to a party, and I proceeded to get very drunk. I didn’t do anything particularly stupid, and I asked Corey to come back for me minutes after I told him to go home without me (that was the best decision I made all night), but it was not good. Your hold on me was too strong.

When I drink you, it’s like getting a hug from the inside. My skin starts to tingle and my hair feels like strands of electricity shooting out from my head. Your different forms have specific feelings and memories attached to them. Blue Moon is my favorite beer, but it tastes like fun nights with bad decisions. Whiskey is my drink of choice, but it has been the main contributor to many of my black outs. Honey whiskey is sweet, and I’ll never forget the last time I got drunk on that version of you because that was the night we hooked up with an unexpected person, remember?

When you have your hold over me, I don’t care that my body isn’t good enough for the crop top I’m wearing, and I don’t mind hitting on boys way younger than me, or older for that matter. You get in my head and make me think everything is a good idea. After drinking you, my words are slurred, but my thoughts are clear as vodka. I understand that I’m not the girl guys want to take home to Mom, but the I’m the one everyone wants to dance with. I’m the girl it’s okay to be inappropriate with because I appear to like it. I’m the one who clearly doesn’t respect herself, so why should everyone else have to?

Why don’t you ever stand up for me? Don’t you care about me at all? I already know the answer to that. It’s no. You don’t care about me. You are poisonous. It’s not always a terrible time when we’re together, but the ratio is biased towards “wow this kinda sucks.” You are poisonous. Sometimes I like the uninhibited me, but especially after nights like last night, I feel so unclean. And why would I purposely make myself feel that way? Why would you let me feel this way? It’s stupid, but I am not a stupid person.

So as of right now, I’m establishing new rules for us. I will only drink you if I am in a stable mindset beforehand, if I’ve had a sufficient amount to eat that day, if I’m with people I trust, and never alone. Also, I will always stop drinking you the second my skin starts to tingle. If I can’t stick to these rules, then I’m quitting you again. If I don’t learn to control myself, I’m better off just doing without, so it won’t be a break, it will be a break up. Sometimes when you love something you have to let it go.

If I’m being honest, I think I see that in our near future. You better hope the new rules work, because I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

Forever yours Yours for an undetermined amount of time,

Severn

Small Victories

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t lay there for an hour contemplating how important it was for me to do stuff today. I got up, got dressed, went for a run, came back, showered, and now I’m at Starbucks being productive as fuck. And it feels great! I’ve been in a depressive slump for the past week, so it feels good to be able to do things again.

I realized that part of what’s bothering me/contributing to my loneliness is the fact that my roommate, Corey, has a girl. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that they are now a thing because it’s been a long time coming. I just didn’t think it would make me feel so… well, alone!

Anyway, regardless of the lonely thoughts still swimming in my brain, I was able to leave my apartment with a sense of purpose. I’m praying this new found purpose remains with me for the next 21 days because that’s how long till I’m back home and fully adulting, betchessss.

Excuse me, I got a little excited there. Back to work!

Severn