Loving God

Back in June of 2016 I was saved. My older cousin texted me out of the blue and told me about a small group he and his wife ran for adult-ish people. He invited me, but I told him I had plans. I wasn’t doing too well around this time, and the idea of going to a bible study seemed lame and foreign to me. I know I’d said that when I came back home I would try to strengthen my faith, but I wasn’t ready yet.

The next morning when I woke up, though, the first thought to pop in my head was, “I need Jesus.” It was such a clear, definitive thought; if I hadn’t known better I would have thought someone had said it out loud to me. While I got ready for work I forgot about it, but later in the day I was scrolling through my messages and saw the one from cousin again. “Oh yeah,” I thought. “I need Jesus.”

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So I sent him a message and told him I’d cancelled my (non-existent) plans and I would be there. He added me to the group’s Facebook message, so I saw that they were reading the book of Acts. I believe it was chapters 12-17, so before I went to the meeting, I pulled over at a gas station, took out my pocket New Testament, and read.

In that part of the book, Peter was in jail (again), and basically God sets him free. Literally breaks the chains around his wrists, and allows Peter to walk out past the guards unscathed. Easy peasy. Because God.

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Okay let me explain the mind-blowingness of it.

I was depressed once. I was falling back into depression. And then one random day a couple weeks after being back home, my cousin is like “Come learn about Jesus with this cool group of people!” And first I was like, “Nah,” then I was like, “Okay!” And then there I found myself. In a gas station. On a Friday night. Reading about how God saved Peter from jail.

Are my staccato sentences not doing it for you?

My depression = jail.

God = the way out of jail.

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It He was exactly what I needed, and the circumstances were just right for me to accept that. That night, I shared with my new group of brothers and sisters about my depression, about how I felt like this was exactly where I needed to be, about how I felt like God was telling me, “Severn, let me set you free.” After group was over, my cousin’s wife walked me out, and at the bottom of the steps in their apartment building, I was saved.

I know it sounds a bit cliché, but I swear I flew home that night. My car was gliding 10″ above the street, and I felt almost invincible, like I was shrouded in a glowing white light.

After that night, I began to see God in everything. It was amazing how much I could see once I actually opened my eyes. I’ve always believed in God, but I don’t think I’ve ever really appreciated him.

God loves us no matter how many times we screw up, whether we sin or don’t sin. All He wants is to love us, even though we break His heart repeatedly. The least we can do is love Him back as best we know how. That’s why I added loving God and living my life to glorify Him to my list of how to become a goddess.

We don’t deserve God’s love, and truthfully it’s not something that can be earned, but I know that if I love and praise Him, the blessings will continue to come down. (More on this later, I promise!)

 

Choices

Getting out of bed in the morning.

Driving to work everyday.

Sticking to my meal plan and workout schedule.

Talking to God every day.

Watching Netflix instead of studying.

Loving someone–or not.

These are all choices of varying importance, but they are choices nonetheless. Depression makes choosing a difficult task–sometimes impossible–but we can fight it. I fight it everyday, and for the past couple of weeks I’ve been winning.

I still don’t necessarily enjoy any of these things, but I’m doing them! And that in itself is something to be excited about.

❤ Severn

How I’ve Been Handling Life

  • productive distractions like laundry, cleaning, writing
  • non-productive distractions like Netflix
  • talking to my mom and friends about my feelings
  • repeatedly telling myself to get my life together, making plans to do so, and failing at said plans, repeat
  • therapy (yay!)
  • shopping (yay!)
  • many imaginary conversations in my head, but mostly just overthinking the shit out of my life, feelings, and things I can’t control
  • trying (and failing) to not think about Beau
  • reminding myself to love myself
  • taking baby steps to figure out what a “normal” life is for me

December Goals

1. Catch up on studying.

I am way behind, so getting back to where I’m supposed to be (according to my handy schedule) is top priority.

2. Go to the gym!

I’m shooting for 3x/week, but I will settle for two. I am so incredibly uncomfortable with my body, so sculpting it into what I want is key to my happiness. Also, I may be signing up for a training plan, so yay!

3. Self-Love

I’m not happy, and I spend a decent amount of time putting myself down. Admonishing myself for the thoughts I have, being mean to myself about my body, telling myself I’m not doing enough to live the life I want… deep down believing I don’t deserve the life I want. Well, I can’t promise that all that will stop–chances are it never will–but I can at least add some self-love to the mix to balance out the negative. And then maybe one day the love will overwhelm the rest.

Finish the year strong! What are you December goals?

 

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November in Review

I had one goal this month: to be happy.

It’s been hard as f*ck.

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Mostly because my heart’s been broken, but also because even before my break up I was falling back into depression.

I went from 5am wake-ups (to work out or study or cook for the day) to snoozing 30-45 minutes, and laying in bed awake until it was imperative that I get up, shower, and go to work. Then I went to work and was probably at a 50% productivity rate. Then I would come home and promptly get back under my covers–sometimes not even bothering to change out of my work clothes.

It’s been rough.

Not even a month has passed since we broke up, but it already feels like my relationship with Beau never happened. Like it was a long dream, a detour from my real life. That feeling alone could suck the happiness out of me, but honestly depression did most of that already.

I’m not happy.

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Sure, I have happy moments or days or whatever, but overall I’m just a numb, sometimes sad zombie. Objectively I’m making good progress. I got rid of so much stuff in my room and bought a bookshelf and a desk, so my space is better. I started waking up at 5am again and doing test prep or going to the gym. My productivity at work isn’t as terrible anymore. I’ve had friendly conversations with Beau, I’ve spent time with family, I’m saving money.

But none of that makes me happy. I’m just going through the motions.

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My hope for the very near future is that “just going through the motions” starts to make me feel good again.

That being sore from the gym excites me. That eating healthy food makes me feel healthier. That keeping my room clean puts me at ease. That I stop hating my job, and I start to see it as the necessary stepping stone it is.

I just want to live my life with intention, and with a general sense of… happiness. “Meh” is not an acceptable answer to “Are you happy?” but it’s pretty constant for me.

My therapist has given me some suggestions that I’ll try to follow in the next month (and probably for the rest of forever until I’m happy and then longer so I stay happy). I often get caught in negative thought loops, and I’m meaner to myself than anyone else has ever been to me. I aim to fix that.

Did I accomplish this month’s goal? No. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying.

 

Proverbs 4:23

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Marley sent this verse to me yesterday. She told me I should lift this up to God in prayer and ask him to help me guard my heart, and to help me decide when a person is deserving of my love. 

If you guys, even if you don’t know me, could do the same I would really appreciate it. 

Because Marley is right. When I love, I love with everything I have, with my entire heart. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is platonic, familial, or romantic. If I love you, know that it is a fierce, all-encompassing love. 

But I guess that makes me vulneralble, how could it not? And so asking God to help me figure out who I can and should give my heart to is necessary. It is so painful to love that fiercly and not receive the same in return. Sometimes the person just isn’t capable of it, sometimes they’re just not capable of it with me. Regardless, I can’t give my heart to just anybody. They have to be worthy, they have to be willing reciprocate.

I get it now, I have to slow down. Even if my feelings are painfully strong and obvious– like with Beau–I have to slow down. 

When Beau and I went out that first time, I felt like God was with me, like he orchestrated the whole thing and was telling me, “Yes, this one. You are supposed to be with him.” His presence that night was just so strong. But even if that is what God was telling me, that didn’t mean, “Okay now plan the rest of your life together.” 

I have to remember that being with someone, loving them, accepting them, and expecting them to do the same takes TIME. I’ve always been an impatient person… Now that I’m alone I suppose I have more time to work on that. 

Guard my heart. Once upon a time I wrote a story about a dragon who guards my heart. When someone tries to get close the dragon roars his breath of fire, hardening the castle that is my heart even more, but the water from the moat around it (to keep people out of course) would splash and soothe the burns because I crave intimacy.

The thing is, when I wrote that story, I wasn’t thinking about how I actually behave in romantic relationships. As I said, in that case I’m all in–dragon be damned. I jump, eyes wide open to watch myself fall–first in love, then to my demise. 

Seems silly now that I have a visual. Why would I bring that on myself? 

Part of me knew something like this would happen. Every time I would thank God for sending me Beau, I would also make sure to tell Him that I was SO appreciative and PLEASE don’t take him away. Why would I even mention that if I didn’t know on some level it wasn’t going to last. We went wrong somewhere along the way. 

It’s okay, though. I know God has a plan for me. Part of me still really believes Beau and I belong together, but I know I can’t just make that decision on my own. All I can do is pray that he sees it, too, that he sees just how perfect with and for each other we are, and pray that we find our way back to each other in that way when the timing is better. When we both know who we are and what we want. We can be friends again if nothing else (eventually). He said he doesn’t want to lose me, and I believe him. And more importantly I don’t  want to lose him either. I know that he cares for me deeply, and we need as many people in our lives to love us as possible.

Also, I have to pray for God to reveal his plan to me when I need guidance. Because maybe I’m not supposed to be with Beau. Maybe God has other things in store for me. What I have to do now is focus on me, building my life, pursuing my passion and goals, and becoming the best, most complete me I can be. 

Or at least I can try. 

Unfair

It’s unfair how quickly our worlds can change. It’s unfair that we have no say in some things. 

Beau and I broke up. I’ve typed the words about 5 times already, letting some close friends know, but it still feels like a dagger is piercing my heart every time I read them to myself. 

It all happened so fast. Basically Beau isn’t in love with me. He loves me, but he’s not in love with me. 

I’m in love with him. 

I was talking to my mom about it yesterday after it happened and I was trying to figure out how he could have missed the falling part. For me, it happened early, after a few deep, long talks and then the feeling grew stronger as time passed. I guess he needed more than a few deep, long talks. 

It feels like he’s not giving us a chance. Not everyone is me. Some people take longer than even three and half months to fall in love with someone, especially if they don’t let themselves be vulnerable. It’s hard to be sure of something like that.

But I guess it’s easy to be sure you’re not in love with them. 

He wants time to be selfish, to work on the things he wants to work on without worrying about taking a step back in our relationship to do the “vetting” we sort of rushed through in the beginning. If he was in love with me, figuring out how to do both would obviously be the way to go, but he’s not. But at the same time, I think that step we seemingly skipped is where he would have fallen. Not even trying now is what hurts the most. 

He said that after he figures all his other stuff out he can go back and figure out if a relationship is what he wants. But fuck just any relationship, I want him to want me. 

We talked so much about the future. About growing together and lifting each other up. Helping each other become the people we want to be, build the lives we want to have. We talked about our wedding day and company holiday parties and the new fitness program we were going to sign up for at New Year’s.

I thought we were doing great. Just last week we were talking about how happy we were and date ideas and coming up with a handshake. And then Friday there was a spat of sorts, Saturday the end seemed eminent, and yesterday it happened. Yesterday I lost one of the most important things I felt I had.

And that’s really it, I feel like I’ve lost him. He wants to be friends, but I told him I need space. Part of that is also the fact that he didn’t seem like he was hurting at all. I could barely talk with how hard I was crying, and he was just watching me, stoic, guarded. Does he not feel like he lost something, too? Do I really matter that much less than the other things he’s chosen over me? How can he be so emotionally removed from all of this?

I know that this isn’t my fault. I know that I’m fucking awesome, and I told him that, too. But that doesn’t change the fact that time and time again I am in this situation where the person I choose to give my entire heart to can’t seem to do the same. I’m tired of not being loved back in the same way. 

I’m sick of being heartbroken. 

I’m tired of not being the girl the guy falls in love with. 

I DESERVE to be that girl. 

Objectively I know this is the right thing to do. It sucks and it hurts, but I can’t sit here and wait for him. Even if our relationship isn’t his top priority it should at least be top 3! And if he can’t do that, we shouldn’t be together. I know I deserve better, and he knows it, too. 

I just wish my heart would stop hurting. I just wish I didn’t have to go on this journey of finding my passion and figuring myself out alone. I was so set to do it with Beau by my side. And I was so ready to invest in him doing all the same things as well.

My heart is big enough to do all those things. It’s been broken three or four times before, but it’s STILL capable of all that. 

But again, everyone is not me. 

That’s just the reality of the world. 

November Goals

Three days late is better than never!

1. CHOOSE TO BE F*CKING HAPPY!

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This is literally my only goal this month. Yes, I know it breaks the cardinal rule of goal-making: be SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound). Okay, so it breaks the “SMA” rule.

BUT.

It’s the only thing that matters to me right now. My life feels so up in the air. The only thing in my life that makes me truly happy lately is Beau and our relationship. And that’s not healthy–I know that’s not healthy. It’s not his fault, it’s not anybody’s fault. It’s just the way my brain seems to be wired.

I don’t want to feel like this, unsatisfied with my life. Every time I start to feel myself falling I try to remind myself of all my blessings. And there are a lot! They are objectively really awesome, but I still feel like… like I’m not doing enough.

I’m not deserving, I’m not good enough, I’m not really doing my best. I keep listening to all these personal development books, having deep talks with Beau about what I want to do with my life, and praying (no where near enough, but still) in the hopes of making myself feel better. And that all helps in the moment, but it never lasts.

Part of the reason my relief is so fleeting is because I’m constantly thinking about what I need to do to get where I want to be, to look how I want to look, to live the life of my dreams. I need to stop spending so much money, to work out more and eat healthier, to study harder so I can pass my exams, to stop getting distracted at work. I just feel so unequipped for this life of mine.

Part of me knows it’s normal to feel this way because I’m a 23 year old woman, but that doesn’t make it any easier to handle. I’m sick of feeling helpless, so instead I’m going to put all of my energy into being happy.

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Easier said than done, I know, BUT I’m still going to try. Because I haven’t fallen so far down the depression hole that I can’t bring myself to at least give it a shot.

Okay, maybe one more “subgoal” if you will:

1a. Forgive myself when I need to, and remember that it is okay to feel things other than happiness.

Wish me luck, y’all. I need all the positive support I can get. 🙂

❤ Severn

 

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featured image source: http://quotesblog.net/hello-november/

MBTI Stories

First of all, know that my minor in college was psychology. I totally nerd out when it comes to psych. How people think, why we are the way we are, what contributes to who we become–all these things are so intriguing to me.

One of my favorite personality identifiers is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). I’ve never studied it extensively, but my friend Nebula is obsessed with it. She always pins things on Pinterest about the various types, and I love it. Check out this site for a decently in depth or just a summary of the 16 types. Go here to see what type you are!

I am an INFJ: apparently we’re rare, but maybe that’s a good thing, haha.

 

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We’re awesome, but not everyone can be awesome…

Anyway, the reason I have shared all this random information with you (besides the fact that I’m a nerd) is because Nebula gave me a wonderful idea for a new series on here. Story-based posts where the main character has the traits of one of the 16 personality types.

Tell me Nebula’s mind isn’t golden.

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 Nebula’s brain

So this is the plan (for now):

  • Pick one of the types (tbh I’m gonna do INFJ first because hi)
  • Write a shortish story, a snippet of this character’s life, if you will once a week for 3-4 weeks.
  • Pick a different type.
  • Repeat step 2.

I’m doing this for two reasons. First, I think it will be a really fun challenge, but mostly I just want to understand the MBTI better! The knowledge will help me understand people better. And, honestly, isn’t life just better when you understand those you spend it with? I think so.

Can’t wait! I will tentatively say to look for the first MBTI post next week Friday!

❤ Severn

P.S. I’m not a fan of the lack of diversity in the featured image, but 16 Personalities avatars are kinda cute.

P.P.S. Feel free to join me! How cool would it be if this turns into a writing challenge of sorts? If you end up using this idea on your own blog, please ping back to this post! I would love to read them 🙂

 

Derailed

I had a plan for tonight. I haven’t been able to do many of the things I normally would, so today was going to be the day. My laundry is undone, there is a pile of books to be read on my bedroom floor, the gym is mocking me, and my finances are still not organized into a budget plan.

But I don’t even care.

My cousin just wrote an amazing story. A story about our family, a story about the relationships in his life, a story about growing into the man he is right now. And I’m so proud of him. And it made me want to write again–like seriously write again.

This blog started off happily, hopefully, and while it hasn’t morphed completely, I would say it’s definitely changed. To be honest I was scared of sounding too depressed. I was afraid of somehow glamorizing my feelings here because that’s how I became so utterly dependent on my last blog. For validation, for releasing emotions, and for a definition of myself. I spoke to my readers more than to the people in my everyday life, and it wasn’t a healthy outlet anymore.

I don’t want this blog to turn into that one, but I think I might be able to find a medium.

Expect the usual positive posts with lessons to be learned from the misadventures in my life, but also be ready for some heavier content. I miss sharing raw feelings on here! Once I start therapy again I’ll get back to some of that.

Ugh, I suddenly feel very weird about this whole post. I was inspired by my cousin, but now I’m just… babbling.

Okay. Regroup.

I’m going to post more consistently.

I’m going to start writing with passion again.

I’m gonna keep being awesome.

-Severn