Hey Hi Hello

Hi internet friends!

I’m alive! Lots has happened since I last posted on this lovely little blog of mine, but it seems the older I get, the less desire I have to share my entire life with the world.

I passed the first of my architecture licensing exams through copious amounts of studying and prayer. I’ve got four more to pass, and I’m working really hard to make sure I succeed.

In my previous post, I talked about how it was time for me to pick a goal and focus on it before moving on to the next. That’s still my general plan (it’s been working well), but things are starting to overlap a little more now, because life likes to throw you curve balls, and God often brings you through things you don’t exactly feel ready for. I’m okay with that.

The trajectory my life is currently on excites me! I think I have grown so much in the past year, but really in the past three months. The combination of therapy, talks with my mom, spurts of life-coaching from Beau, and my own introspection have really helped me grow into myself. I’m more secure, less anxious, more willing to accept the uncertainties in life. I’m also a much more dedicated person, to my goals, my faith, and myself.

I (think I) have mentioned a few times how I view 2017 as “the lost year” because I don’t feel like I accomplished anything real. I’m wrong about that, of course, I did do things…it’s not the lost year because of lack of action, but because *I* was lost. I bounced around randomly going on dates with strangers, reviving my previously held role of “the other woman”, refusing to take concrete steps to accomplish my goals… I didn’t know who I was, or who I wanted to be.

I’m not saying I have it all figured out now, but I have a much better idea. I know where I’m headed, and what I want to do. I have a plan to make sure what I think I want to do is what I actually want to do. But, even with this plan, I’m actively not trying to control everything around me the way I used.

*deep breath*

It’s been a while since I’ve written on here, so I’m a bit rusty, haha. The points I’d like you take away from all this:

  • Dedication, Determination, and NO Distractions are vital to achieving your goals–seriously… STOP letting your dreams be suffocated by distractions like toxic relationships, mindless time-suckers, and negative thoughts
  • Your support system is vital to your personal growth, surround yourself with people who want the best for you, and be filled with their positive energy
  • Faith can bring you through the toughest of times, and even if it doesn’t feel like it, God is with you, and he has a plan for your life

Anywho, gotta get back to studying. These practice problems aren’t going to answer themselves!

Until next time,

Severn ❤

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TTFN

I’ve got, like, 4 unfinished posts sitting in my drafts folder, and it’s because I keep deciding halfway through that I no longer like them.

That’s both a hard fact, and a metaphor for my life.

I have 4 large goals I’ve been trying to accomplish for the past year and a half or so just sitting on my “Goals” list, and it’s because I consistently half-ass any efforts put towards reaching them.

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Welp. 2018 is the year of the full-ass attempts. It’s the year themed “Level Up”. It’s time for me to pick a thing, and freaking focus on it until it gets done. Then, I’ll move on to the next thing. Simple, direct, doable.

Unfortunately, blogging is not on my current list of priorities. So, while I may return every so often to update y’all, or to share some random tidbit/life-lesson/experience/super short story, this is my official notice that I’m taking a hiatus.

I deserve more from myself. My goals deserve my undivided attention. I used to be great at getting shit done, and I aim to get back to that version of myself.

So, I bid you all adieu for now.

Until next time,

Severn ❤

My Self-Love (A List!)

This is what self-love looks like for me:

  • Forgiving myself for mistakes I’ve made, and forgiving others so as not to waste my energy on anger. Forgiveness is a choice you make every day, to acknowledge and honor your hurt feelings/mistake, and then let them go. Life is so much sweeter when you do.
  • Being as nice to myself as I am to my best friends. It’s easy to get caught in negative thought loops, but I’ve been training myself to cut them short in the same manner I use with my friends. After having a few negative thoughts, I say to myself, “Hey. Quit it. Yeah, you fucked up, but move on and do better, you are more than capable.” Or, “You are doing so much better than you give yourself credit for! Own that!” I could go on, but you get the idea.
  • Acknowledging when I need to step my game up, and then doing just that. I think a lot of people view self-love/self-care as just cutting yourself slack, taking bubble baths with a glass of wine, or midday naps. While those types of things are exactly what you need sometimes, they are not the only way to show yourself love. Sometimes, self-love looks like waking up at 5am instead of sleeping in because I have to get a study session in. Sure, being up before the sun in the dead of winter kind of sucks, but future me will benefit from the choices present me makes. That discipline is loving myself enough to push and achieve my goals.
  • Honesty. To sort of piggy back on that last one point of holding yourself accountable… Self-love is being honest with yourself about your feelings, about what you want, about who you are. It’s easier than you think to lie to yourself–Barlow just helped me realize in my last therapy session that I was lying to myself about a relationship in my life for a while. I told myself I was happy, but really I was just lost. Self-awareness and self-love go hand in hand (in my opinion), but they are not one in the same. I’ve always been extremely self-aware, but sometimes my awareness falls short of understanding. I can identify my behaviors, my problems, even my feelings, but I don’t always know the reason behind them. So, self-love is searching for my truths, and being able to own them.

Some simple ones:

  • long showers
  • writing in my journal
  • spending time with my mom
  • spending time alone
  • talking to at least one of my really good friends each week

Aaaaannnnd one silly one for good measure:

  • Wrapping myself up in my blanket like a Severn burrito when it’s really cold outside (or I’m lonely or whatever 🙃)

What does self-love look like for you? Let me know in the comments!

 

I’ve Been Life-Coached

I kind of got life-coached by Beau yesterday. (Yeah, we’re friends again.)

I know it’s been a while y’all, but I’m back, for now, and a little all over the place, which I’m sure you’ll see in this post. This is actually one of the things we talked about–why I haven’t blogged in so long. The answer is the same reason I haven’t moved forward in most any of the other areas in my life:

I’m afraid. 

Of what? Failure, mostly. I’m afraid of failing myself, of letting my family down by not reaching the potential they believe I have. I’m afraid that nobody cares about what I have to say, or about the experiences I’ve had.  I’m afraid that what I say I want to do isn’t actually what I want to do. I’m afraid that if I’m vulnerable on here like I was on my last blog, I’ll hurt somebody again. 

I’m sick of it. 

I’m sick of holding myself back, of dulling my light, and dialing back my feelings for the sake of others. I’m tired of trying to fit myself into this box that I constructed for myself when I was 12 years old. 

Architecture is great, but I don’t want to do it for the rest of my life.

I love my family, but I can’t let them continue to influence my decisions or how I feel about where I am in life. 

I want to write, and I can’t let my limiting beliefs stop me from doing that, from doing the one thing that makes me happiest. 

I’ve been in a pretty good place lately, stable, I guess. But, after my conversation with Beau yesterday, I realized just how much I’m suppressing. And it’s scaring me. I’m actually fighting back tears as I write this. 

On a slightly different note:

When Beau and I broke up, I had a feeling our story wasn’t over. I didn’t know what shape any future friendship/relationship would really take, but I knew there would be something. I still love him, I don’t think that’ll ever go away, but what I’m realizing now is more importantly: I still have more to learn from him. I don’t know if he’s learning anything from me, whether it’s about life, himself, or whatever, but he’s helped me.

What we established yesterday was that my fear of failure and everything that comes with it–disappointment, a sense of loss, a hit to my self-confidence–has paralyzed me. I’ve had this thought before, a long time ago, when I was super confused about my life, but it hadn’t occurred to me recently. When Beau said it, it felt like time stopped for a split second. A thud sounded in my head as my happily “stable” mind fell from the tightrope on which it was precariously perched. 

I’m paralyzed. 

My theme for 2017 was self-love. I’ve achieved that. I know I’m hard on myself, but especially after this year, I can honestly say that I love myself. I know that I’m worthy of love, that even though I make mistakes I’m still an amazing person with wonderful qualities. I don’t really need validation from other people (though it’s nice to get it sometimes). I accept myself for who I am while acknowledging that I can be better. I love me as I am, I love me for who I can be. I am enough. 

For 2018, my theme is Level-Up, because that’s what I plan to do in every aspect of life. No more paralysis, but movement. Hopefully forward and upward movement, but I acknowledge that life doesn’t always work that way, and there will be plenty of setbacks as well.  The point is that I’m ready. And I have every intention of gaining more clarity, direction, and overall satisfaction with my life. I plan to flourish. 

Until next time,

❤ Severn

Solid

I am strong, beautiful, and worthy. I am independent, confident, and whole. There is no one who can take these things away from me because they are so ingrained into who I am.

I wasn’t always this way, but that’s okay. It takes time to grow into yourself. Then it takes more time to grow into your next self. I relish in this process. It’s painful sometimes, but it’s necessary. If you reject these changes, you remain stagnant. And if you ask me, that’s unacceptable.

I change from the old me to the new me when I have to, but I always try to settle into the current version as fully as possible. It’s important; I am who I am in this moment for a reason. I have things to learn, people to affect. And I never know when the next change is coming, so I always make the most of these seasons. Or I try to, at least.

I don’t want to be a liquid. I want to be solid.

I refuse to fill the role available. I will make my own role, and you will make the space for me to fit.

Thoughts from Tuesday

I feel weird. I want to be more specific, but I am at a loss.

I feel…on edge. Like, in a precarious place, perhaps… no, not the edge of a cliff. It’s more like… I’m trapped in a car stuck on train tracks. I don’t know when the train is coming, but I have to get out of here.

Okay, so description done, but why the hell do I feel this way? What is this a metaphor for?

My little cousin had her sweet 16 this past Saturday. It was a really nice party, and she looked beautiful. My mom made all the decorations by hand, and they came out stunningly. Everything was great until the very end, when dramatic events occurred. It could’ve been an episode in some novela.

I don’t know that everyone has reconciled yet–no one has updated me on anything. Maybe that’s why I’m on edge.

Or maybe it’s because I’m going a whole month without seeing Barlow since she’s on vacation. It’s easier staying on the outside of the depression bubble when I know I’ve got a therapy session every 14 days. It’s just two weeks–sometimes it’s difficult, but I always manage. Now, though, I’ve gotta wait 30 days. Thirty.

So.

Many.

Days.

I have to deal with everything that happens in my life by myself until August 16th.

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I’m sure I’ll be fine. I just… I know that I’ll need backup at some point, and there is currently no one to fill that role.

My singleness hasn’t really bothered me as much as it has in the past, but it is a bit difficult when I think about this time last year. Beau and I had just started dating, and it was like I was seeing the world more vividly. I was so happy, and excited about life.

Now, it feels like all the excitement lies in my future. Now, it feels like all I have is the work I must do to achieve my goals. And sure, I have fun, I go out with my friends, and those relationships are good ones, but… it’s not the same. There is an undeniable void.

I’m pretty good at ignoring it, though. So, I think that’s what I’ll continue to do while I do what I gotta do. That’s all I can do, right?

But also this:

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❤ Severn

 

Mental Health || Living in the Present

Recently, I’ve been struggling to remain happy. It’s normal for moods to fluctuate, of course, but mine have hovered on the darker side of the spectrum for a while now. I’ve been stressed, anxious, discontent, and confused about myself and my life.

After some reflection last week, I realized my problem:

I’m not living in the present. 

Sure, it’s a bit cliché–or at least it’s such a common trap to fall into that it seems I should have known better. But alas, I am guilty. I worry so much about the future.

  • When will I have enough money saved to move out?
  • How much can I put into my savings this week?
  • Should I focus on paying off my debt before I move, or is it okay to make saving a priority?
  • How can I change my study schedule to maximize efficiency and get my license as soon as possible?
  • What will my next job be?

Question after question, worry after worry. Not only is that unhealthy, but it’s exhausting as well. So, once I made my revelation, I decided to chill the hell out.

My life? Is freaking awesome. I’m employed, I live comfortably, my friends are cool and funny, my family loves me, I’m healthy, I have a car, my writing class starts soon, I’m pursuing my dream of writing a book, my faith grows more and more every day. When I make the conscious decision to focus on the now, I am instantly in a better mood.

However, I’m aware that just deciding to do something doesn’t mean it’ll work, so I asked Barlow for help. She gave me a great idea! Set a time limit on how far in the future I’m allowed think. Furthermore, adjust this limit based on the emotion I’m feeling at the time. For example: if I’m going to worry about the future, I limit myself to 1 week. I don’t allow myself to worry about never getting my license, only about keeping to my study schedule for the next seven days.

So far, it’s been helping quite a bit. I nip unhelpful thoughts about what’s to come in the bud, and I do something small to distract myself (like hum a song) until the urge goes away. It’s not super scientific, but it works for me. 🙂

Life is good, and I’m living it the best way I know how. I will continue to do that until I learn a better way, and that cycle will never end.

As basic a piece of advice “live in the present” is, I think everyone needs a little reminder sometimes. So, take a minute or two and really appreciate yourself for exactly who you are, and appreciate your life for all that it is–the good and the bad–exactly as it is.

Until next time!

❤ Severn

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