Unfair

It’s unfair how quickly our worlds can change. It’s unfair that we have no say in some things. 

Beau and I broke up. I’ve typed the words about 5 times already, letting some close friends know, but it still feels like a dagger is piercing my heart every time I read them to myself. 

It all happened so fast. Basically Beau isn’t in love with me. He loves me, but he’s not in love with me. 

I’m in love with him. 

I was talking to my mom about it yesterday after it happened and I was trying to figure out how he could have missed the falling part. For me, it happened early, after a few deep, long talks and then the feeling grew stronger as time passed. I guess he needed more than a few deep, long talks. 

It feels like he’s not giving us a chance. Not everyone is me. Some people take longer than even three and half months to fall in love with someone, especially if they don’t let themselves be vulnerable. It’s hard to be sure of something like that.

But I guess it’s easy to be sure you’re not in love with them. 

He wants time to be selfish, to work on the things he wants to work on without worrying about taking a step back in our relationship to do the “vetting” we sort of rushed through in the beginning. If he was in love with me, figuring out how to do both would obviously be the way to go, but he’s not. But at the same time, I think that step we seemingly skipped is where he would have fallen. Not even trying now is what hurts the most. 

He said that after he figures all his other stuff out he can go back and figure out if a relationship is what he wants. But fuck just any relationship, I want him to want me. 

We talked so much about the future. About growing together and lifting each other up. Helping each other become the people we want to be, build the lives we want to have. We talked about our wedding day and company holiday parties and the new fitness program we were going to sign up for at New Year’s.

I thought we were doing great. Just last week we were talking about how happy we were and date ideas and coming up with a handshake. And then Friday there was a spat of sorts, Saturday the end seemed eminent, and yesterday it happened. Yesterday I lost one of the most important things I felt I had.

And that’s really it, I feel like I’ve lost him. He wants to be friends, but I told him I need space. Part of that is also the fact that he didn’t seem like he was hurting at all. I could barely talk with how hard I was crying, and he was just watching me, stoic, guarded. Does he not feel like he lost something, too? Do I really matter that much less than the other things he’s chosen over me? How can he be so emotionally removed from all of this?

I know that this isn’t my fault. I know that I’m fucking awesome, and I told him that, too. But that doesn’t change the fact that time and time again I am in this situation where the person I choose to give my entire heart to can’t seem to do the same. I’m tired of not being loved back in the same way. 

I’m sick of being heartbroken. 

I’m tired of not being the girl the guy falls in love with. 

I DESERVE to be that girl. 

Objectively I know this is the right thing to do. It sucks and it hurts, but I can’t sit here and wait for him. Even if our relationship isn’t his top priority it should at least be top 3! And if he can’t do that, we shouldn’t be together. I know I deserve better, and he knows it, too. 

I just wish my heart would stop hurting. I just wish I didn’t have to go on this journey of finding my passion and figuring myself out alone. I was so set to do it with Beau by my side. And I was so ready to invest in him doing all the same things as well.

My heart is big enough to do all those things. It’s been broken three or four times before, but it’s STILL capable of all that. 

But again, everyone is not me. 

That’s just the reality of the world. 

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