Who Am I?

Sometimes I feel like I don’t do enough. I work, I hang out with my boyfriend, I spend time with my mom, and that’s pretty much it. I think I tell myself that there’s little time for anything else, but that’s just not true. I could do things after work, I don’t have to spend my Saturday days with my mom, but that’s what happens.

The guilt of not spending enough time with her shapes my weekly schedule. Know who else I don’t see? The rest of my family. I can’t remember the last time I saw Mom, Grandma has all but given up the idea of seeing me ever. And I do feel bad, but apparently not bad enough to change anything.

It seriously makes me question myself as a person. Like, I’m not being a good granddaughter, but at a larger scale, I’m neglecting people who care about me, so overall I’m not a good person.

That struggle to figure out who we are? Does that ever stop? I’d like to think that at some point I’ll know, but it just doesn’t seem possible. How can anyone truly know who they are? Especially because we are constantly evolving beings. Or maybe we’re not actually.

There are two schools of thought, right? People are who they are at their core (and can’t change), or people can change. I don’t really know which one I believe. I can’t think of any instances where a person really, truly, changed who they were, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. I think believing one way or the other goes hand in hand with what one thinks about humanity, and whether we’re born with inherent traits. Like the question “Are people inherently good or bad?” Who the fuck knows?! And more importantly, who the fuck cares?!

There is probably not one single person alive who remains untouched, unshaped by the world. Whether we were born good or bad, that’s covered now, by the things we learn as we live our lives. We’re influenced by what we learn in school, by TV, even by our day to day interactions with other humans. It’s so hard to find who we are and to stay true to that person because in just living our lives we are bombarded with things that are “other.” These things just aren’t a part of us, and so become other, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t strong enough to cloud what we think of ourselves and how we act.

I don’t know who I am. I know what things I like to do, what I believe in, how I prefer to interact with people, but that’s not who I am, that’s how I am. Maybe I’ll never know.

 


Featured image source: http://risenmonk.com/?p=156

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3 comments

  1. severngoddess · October 23

    First of all, I miss you!

    That all makes so much sense, and I’ve literally never thought of it that way. We as a people (and myself for sure) are obsessed with defining things. It’s like if I don’t have a label for something I’m incapable of understanding it, but that’s BS. It’s totally okay for someone to just BE, outside of hard and fast definitions.

    This is such a helpful mindset, too, for the way I’m currently feeling about my job. I feel so unsatisfied, but for a while I’ve been scared of doing something about it, and I think it’s largely because I’ve come to define myself as an Architect. So if I stop doing architecture I suddenly lose who I am (or it feels that way anyway).

    Thanks for the new perspective! I definitely feel a bit better about it all. 🙂

    Like

  2. Anonymous · October 23

    i’ve always hated the “be yourself!” thing because wtf does that mean. but the more i think about it, i think it’s exactly the opposite of what people think. people think it means “go out into the world and figure out who you are, and then be that person.” that requires defining boundaries and carving out details into this “dictionary entry” that’s like here is the definition of me. now you know, now i know, and now we can behave accordingly.

    but i think it’s exactly the opposite. i think it’s training yourself not to define yourself (which is harder, almost). as soon as you say, “i’m an outdoors person,” for example, it’s hard to tell which things you choose to do because you really love the outdoors, and which things you choose to do because “you’re an outdoors person, and outdoors people do this stuff.” once you define yourself like that, you feel dissonance doing things that defy that definition, even if you do want to do those things. once you’ve convinced yourself and everyone around you that “you = outdoors person” you feel really weird turning down a hiking trip for no reason.

    but if there was no definition in the first place, you might feel weird and clunky for a bit because we’ve gone our entire lives defining things, but you have a lot more internal and social freedom to just do whatever the hell you want. so it’s ok if you don’t know. no one does–just go with it!

    Liked by 1 person

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