Almost Falling

Today after work my mom took me for burgers at this great place near our house. Aside from the delicious food, we had a great conversation.

It started with me stumbling over almost every sentence out of my mouth. (“I can’t speak words!”) When she asked why not, I said it was because I spend the majority of my day not talking. That got us on the topic of the culture at my job, what I like and don’t like about work, the communication styles of the people in my office, etc. I didn’t want to admit it, but I’m not a fan.

It feels like I’m not allowed to not like my job. And I mean, I’m sure there are various reasons I feel like this: I’ve only been there two weeks, so I don’t have a true idea of what it’s like; my desk isn’t ready yet, so (as my mom pointed out) not having my own space is taking its toll; I’m lucky/blessed to even have a job.

It’s not just my job, though. I just don’t feel… happy, I guess. My mom pointed out that there are so many new things going on my life–no more school, I got a car that I drive to and from work everyday, I have a permanent job (even if I don’t have my permanent desk, yet)–and it’s normal for me to feel a bit lost. She wants me to take charge of my life because “You shouldn’t be old and bitter at such a young age!”

I know that she’s right.

But.

I feel myself almost falling.

Today my eyes flicked to the time on my computer screen every five minutes until it was time to go.

I didn’t even attempt to pack my gym bag in case I had time to go after work.

I was going to cook dinner today, but the thought of it exhausted me.

I find myself wanting to keep my feelings inside because it’s just easier that way.

But easier for who? I obviously don’t want to worry my mom. She’s already sort of there, but no need to make it worse, right? What I really need is another therapist. I didn’t realize how much I was missing Bristle (and therapy in general) until this conversation today. After a rant, I said, “I feel like I’m talking a lot, sorry.” And my mother replied, “That’s okay, I think you need to talk!”

She’s right.

I think I might need a little more than just talking, like a routine, and general purpose/things that make me happy in my life, but talking is a start. My insurance doesn’t kick in for another 2.5 months, but I think I might look for a new therapist anyway. I can pay out of pocket for the first few sessions until I’m covered.

When I started writing this post, I planned to make it positive, with a lesson about growing into your adulthood, but really I just convinced myself that I’m not actually okay.

Hopefully I will be soon.

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2 comments

  1. littlegentian · June 10, 2016

    Hey, I am really glad you shared this post for a few reasons:
    1. Because you obviously did need to talk and get it out of your head and onto the paper/screen and writing things down helps you process what is going on
    2. Because it has alerted you to the fact that you need help and you are now making plans to go seek it
    3. Because now all the other people who read your blog and feel the way you do know they are not alone.

    I understand where you are coming from and want you to know that you are not alone. Both my friend and I spent the first 1-3 months anxious out of our minds at our new jobs. It is okay to feel lost and uncertain of where you are in the world especially because you don’t have your therapist to help you navigate these very big, sticky emotions. I was lucky that I was able to stay with my therapist through all my very big transitions in life. You are doing awesome and I look forward to hearing more from you : )

    Liked by 1 person

    • severngoddess · June 10, 2016

      Thanks so much for the support and encouraging words! It means a lot to know that I’m not alone in this 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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