I’ve been ridiculously happy for the past two weeks. The combination of graduating from college, employment, getting a car, being in my glorious city, and cleansing my living space has done wonders for me.
It’s funny how the good feelings from all of that can vanish so quickly. I know I’ll probably be happy again in the morning, but right now I just feel alone, and small.
About half an hour ago, Tiger asked me if we were still cool. And I told him that I wanted to say yes, but I wasn’t sure. The reality is twofold:
- If you have to ask somebody if you’re still cool with each other, the answer is probably no and
- If it’s not a yes, it’s a no. There is no other acceptable answer.
Who wants to be friends with someone who is “sort of” or “kinda” cool with them? Nobody. Nobody should be okay with that. And because I am the way I am, I started to feel guilty about the fact that my answer wasn’t yes. But if you look at the facts, there is no mentally healthy reason I should be friends with Tiger. We are not good for each other, and deep down, we both know this, but we can’t seem to just let it go. Even now, in my gloriously happy, self-aware state (okay not right this second, but you catch my drift), I don’t want to just let it go. I want to say, “Yes, Tiger, we’re cool,” and be done with it.
Somehow my conversations with him always leave me feeling lonely, too. It doesn’t matter what we talk about, or how short the talk is. Why does he have this power over me? Why is it so hard for me to take that power back? The logical part of my brain can easily list the reasons we would never work romantically or otherwise, but the second his name pops up on my screen, or I hear his voice, or (God-forbid) smell him? There is no more logic.
I convince myself that there is no harm in being friends with him. And sometimes I’m a bit short with him, but I never cut him off completely. It’s unfair to both of us. I need to let it–him–go, but I don’t know how. He said if I ever want to talk to him about my exact feelings, he’ll be there. I think that’s part of the problem, I know he’s always there.
I can’t talk about this anymore.