“Just so ya know, I don’t really want to cry today because I’m wearing eyeliner and concealer, and I didn’t bring any of it with me for touch ups.”
This was how I started my session yesterday, so it’s safe to say I threw Bristle a little off her game from the start. I gave her a rundown of my week, which was quite eventful. I spilled my feelings to an important person in my life and was accepted despite them. I drunkenly hooked up with a friend (which was actually fun, though it will never happen again). And the cherry on top: the magnification of my super duper lonely feelings since Corey and Haley are locked in his room 80% of the time.
My story then fishtailed all over the place, slapping against Tiger telling me he broke up with his girlfriend, how and why I do potentially harmful things in an attempt to connect with people (like get drunk, hookup, etc.), and my aversion to messing up my makeup as a facade for pulling away from my feelings.
Let’s put this into bite sized pieces, shall we?
“I don’t want to cry” I’ve been feeling my feelings way too intensely lately, and I think having to sit in a room with a person dedicated to listening to those feelings made me subconsciously nervous and overwhelmed. Sorry, Bristle 😦
I spilled my feelings and was accepted I already told y’all about this here.
I drunkenly hooked up with a friend. The reality is that it could have been literally anyone in my house that night, and the outcome probably would have been the same. Okay, maybe not Corey, but still. I was craving intimacy, but the way I “got” it (and I add quotations marks because it was not real, loving, intimacy) had the potential to become a very uncomfortable situation. We could have seriously messed with our friendship, but thankfully, we were both very much on the same page, and not trying to make it into anything more than it was.
I’m super duper lonely. I’ve written about loneliness on this blog more than any other emotion (probably). Loneliness is why I hooked up with that friend last week. Loneliness
is why I got so drunk at the party on Saturday. Loneliness is something I do not know how to cope with well. I try to trick myself into thinking I’m in control by making decisions, but most of the time these decisions are not in my best interest. Bristle suggested that I try to look for companionship and connections in my friendships. Obviously, it’s not exactly what I’m looking for, but it could really help combat some of the worst bouts of lonely. I have sort of been getting that from my dance crews, but those reliefs only last for a couple hours. I’m still trying, though. Plus, I’ll be back home soon, and Chicago never leaves me feeling lonely.
Tiger is single. Okay, so you guys don’t know who Tiger is (unless you somehow followed me from my last blog and realized who I am), but the super short story is that he is a guy from back home that I almost dated my first year of college. I was in love with him, and he was confused, and it’s been complicated ever since. One of our problems is that the timing is never right. I guess all I really want to say about this is that as I was telling Bristle about why I shouldn’t be at all happy or excited that Tiger is single, as I was listing the reasons it would never work in the future, as I was reliving all the ways we messed up in the past, I was smiling. This is already a little strange, because the stories I told were not particularly happy, but it was made stranger by the fact that I was completely unaware that I was smiling. Is that not weird? My subconscious totally took over my face, and apparently still has some pleasant feelings about Tiger. Aside from my unruly lips, I’m worried that I will easily fall back into depending on him for my happiness, and going to him to get rid of my loneliness. It’s probably a good sign that I’m aware of all this before it happens, but the worry is still there.
That was pretty much everything, I think. I addressed some of the other things I mentioned less explicitly within these bite-sized morsels of my issues. Hopefully this next week will be a little less emotionally intense. I believe it’s good to just coast, sometimes.
Until next time,