Of faith. Leaps of faith.
Definition (provided by Google): an act of believing in or attempting something whose existence or outcome cannot be proved.
I rarely make these leaps. The closest I come to actual leaps of faith is sharing my feelings with people I’m really scared to share my feelings with. I never know how they’re going to react, or treat me afterward, and I find that uncertainty terrifying.
Yesterday, I finally addressed that decision I had to make with the person it involved. It literally took me hours to muster up the courage to just text him to see if he was free to talk. I was sweating, hyperventilating, my heart was speeding, and I cried at various points throughout the morning.
I didn’t feel like there was anyone I could talk to about my anxiety because there was honestly nothing they could do about it. They would tell me to calm down, and that it’ll be fine, as they have in the past. I realize now that what I needed was to borrow someone’s confidence. I needed someone to tell me, “You can do this, Severn. You are a strong grown woman who can handle ABSsolutely anything.” Repeating these things to myself had little to no effect.
Eventually, I made the call and talked for, like, 45 seconds before he said, “Don’t even sweat it, I already expected this.” And it wasn’t sassy, or passive aggressive; he honestly was not upset at my decision. I was so relieved, I cried. And I realized how irrational my fears were. Of course he wants me to talk to him about my feelings. He’s rejected them/me in the past (which is why I was so scared to share this time), but he’s determined to keep the past in the past, and I think this was my first real evidence that I can start to open up again. This is proof that our relationship can actually be rebuilt, and that it can even be somewhat functional.
Though my leap of faith was small in the greater scheme of the world, it was huge to me. Opening up is one of those things I’m just not comfortable doing. But when I decided to take a chance, I was rewarded. And next time, the distance to leap will be smaller.