As I’ve said, I’ve been feeling very lonely recently. I spoke with Bristle about it, about how loneliness makes me feel hopeless, and helpless. After a lot of talking about my relationships and encounters with males, we came to the conclusion that I want to form an intimate connection with someone, but I don’t know how.
There are various reasons for why I don’t know how to form that connection. My parents are divorced, my past relationships haven’t been very good, and overall I’m just afraid. I’m afraid to get hurt, so I get stuck between wanting to protect myself and needing to trust another person enough to be vulnerable with them. It’s a pretty crappy place to be.
I typically end up getting too attached–which in itself is a messed up idea because, I mean, who wouldn’t get “too attached” after being with someone for 10 months? You should be attached after that long! For some reason, I see that attachment as a weakness. Maybe it’s because I tend to become a little codependent and lose myself when I’m in a relationship, but it could also just be my fear. It’s too much to give someone the power to hurt me–it’s freaking terrifying! But if I want to be in love, it’s something I’m going to have to be okay with doing… at some point. I can’t be afraid forever.
My main issue right now is that my loneliness is quite the beast. When I wrote about it being the only “normal” emotion I have that makes me feel like I’m on the edge of the chasm of depression? Yeah, I fell. Very soon after that, actually. I was back to not being able to get out of bed, and I didn’t want to do anything. I bounced back and forth between angry and sad/lonely, and it was all around a bad time–just a few days, but it felt like so much longer.
I’m better now, but it was scary. It was scary because I didn’t know just how easily I could fall back into a depressive state. And then I started to wonder if the rest of my life would just be a long bout of depression with a few relief days (maybe weeks) sprinkled in here and there. I’m trying not to think about it that way anymore.
Anyway, Bristle and I didn’t really come up with a solution for dealing with my loneliness–at least not yet. She seems most concerned with helping me see that I shouldn’t be ashamed of my feelings. Logically, I agree with her, but the irrational part of my brain is an unapologetic jerk when it comes to making me feel guilty about my feelings. I don’t know how, but I hope she and I can figure something out to combat that. At the very end of the session I said that I really just want to avoid being depressed. That’s my newly reinforced main goal.