Lonely

I have this whole “I want to become a goddess” thing going on, but underneath it all I don’t know that that’s enough. I’ve been in two official relationships in my life, and one… I don’t know, I guess it was also a relationship. None of those relationships were good for me, though. For the quasi-one, I was the other woman. For the first real one, I cheated on the guy. And the last one was emotionally abusive. My track record isn’t so great.

It’s been over two years since my last relationship, and for a while I was living the stereotypical happily single life. I got tired of that eventually, and decided to just chill. Now, I’m sort of seeing somebody… well, I was but he’s been so busy I haven’t actually seen him in what feels like forever. For that reason (and I’m thinking some other reason, too, though I can’t quite put my finger on it) I’m feeling extra lonely.

Loneliness makes me upset, annoyed, and slightly hopeless. It scares me because it’s the only “normal” emotion I have that makes me feel like I’m on the edge of the chasm of depression. One of the greatest things I crave in life is acceptance. Not from regular people, because quite frankly I don’t care what people think, but from someone I love, or care strongly about. Aside from my mom and some other relatives, I have never felt truly accepted by someone I deeply care for. Well, by a guy that I love.

The guy I’m dating now is about the only one to literally tell me that despite all the things I think are wrong with me, he still thinks I’m lovely. It was the sweetest thing. The problem with us is that he’s a sophomore and I’m graduating soon. I also don’t actually know him as well as he knows me. It’s selfish, but I like to think of him as providing me with relationship training wheels. With him, I have learned (and am still learning) to open up and let myself be vulnerable with someone, to be comfortable and not lose myself while with someone else, and to be vocal about what I expect. I’m not afraid to do that last thing with him because he’s not my boyfriend… I’m probably going to need some more work on that when I’m in a real relationship again.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being alone. The quality of loneliness is so much different from physically being by yourself. Typically, I like to be by myself. I go to the movies alone, and to restaurants solo. Last spring break I went to California by myself, and it was wonderful! But feeling lonely is never any fun. It annoys me that I need the intimate company of another person sometimes, but I also know that it’s very natural. I shouldn’t despise it.

I still want to become a goddess–that’s still my main goal. But if I’m being honest, I want to be in love. I want someone to be there with me and support me while I grow. To help lift me up when I can’t handle my own weight anymore. And I want to be that person for someone else. I don’t want to feel lonely.

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